Real talk.
It's been YEARS since I've been on a good date.
I can't tell the difference between building genuine intimacy over time and straight up trauma-dumping.
I'm nervous about going out to meet someone, somewhere, at a specific period of time to focus on each other.
I don't know the difference between "just dating" and having a boyfriend.
The intent to eventually pursue commitment with the intention of marriage feels like quantum physics while I'm getting reacquainted with 2+2=4.
It feels simultaneously overwhelming yet underwhelming.
It feels beyond black and white; it's more like 50 Grey Shades of Grey.
The only guiding principle that I have to go on is that I'm safer, more efficient, and more empowered to make progress by choosing men in the wild instead of online.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.
That is all.
5 comments
Same story here, except I feel very weird about approaching women in public settings.. unless it’s a social event or maybe if I’m too drunk at the club.
Meee too. Except I can’t tell when I’M trauma dumping lmao. No clue where the line is
I TOTALLY relate to this! It’s like when I do get to know someone and go on an ACTUAL date, I feel like I’m trauma dumping on them on accident. Needless to say I’ve found some men who ARE interested but I’ve never had a relationship last long and I’m 28. I don’t have years to waste on somebody. Either you’ll end up being my partner or it’s nothing. I don’t have the time and energy for hook ups and one night stands anymore. Then when I’m just living life and having fun and happen to meet someone it never goes anywhere but sex. Where’s my forever person? Ughhhh 😫
Welcome to the human experience. Everyone’s just trying to figure it out. The people who do feel like they’ve figured it out either don’t, or they just have a ton of experience. Try your best to enjoy the ride while you’re on it.
Speaking from experience, intimacy IS kind of lot trauma dumping. Becoming very close friends is also similar. You both ‘accidentally’ trauma dump or overshare back and forth until you realize you don’t have that much different between you and both of you realize you can be yourselves. Texting makes it easier to accidentally dump too much at once, but to create a real relationship is to foster a sense of trust. I think what’s missing here for you is that big difference between ‘just dating’ and having a boyfriend is someone you trust. And most people nowadays are completely at a loss on how to get there in this current low-trust environment due to social media. Don’t follow the crowd and identify your problems with everyone else’s so much that you fail before you really try.
Finally, I’ll just say if it’s really been years since you’ve been on a good date, maybe the way you’re most used to selecting a date isn’t actually the best to select someone of good character. Maybe you’re mistaking security for boredom. Maybe you’re mistaking committment for desparation. Maybe rethink the idea that all men want is only sex (even if they’re very wired to be willing to accept any). Don’t judge people and put them in a box until you actually know them a whole lot better.