So my boyfriend has this friend that he met through work a few months ago and they get along well. I’ve never really liked her but I’ve had a very rough time over the last 6 months with my insecurities and I attributed the dislike to that. I’ve spent months working on myself and going to therapy which has helped. I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD and I’m on medication now which has really helped with my anxiety and insecurities. But the dislike remained.
I had a gut feeling that she had feelings for my boyfriend. Now, I want to preface this by saying that my boyfriend has not cheated and he 100% doesn’t reciprocate the feelings. I know this for a fact because a) we live together and there is no way he would’ve ever had the opportunity, b) in one of my lowest moments i went through his phone and there was nothing from him and c) he is not the type of person to ever do that and things were so bad with me when I was at my lowest that it would’ve been easier for him to leave but he stayed. But this doesn’t absolve him completely in my opinion.
So the gut feeling never went away. I would have this twinge when he talked about her or when she messaged him. And the messages I read on his phone gave off the vibe that she liked him. He has told me before that he spoke to her about our relationship and she tried to convince him to break up with me. As you can imagine that went down with me like a lead balloon. Basically, a lot of little things that I feel only a woman would notice added up.
They work in hospitality so their Christmas party was last night. I travelled home to spend time with my parents who could help me through it if old insecurities arose. My boyfriend planned to stay at his parents too. I gave my boyfriend the space to enjoy himself even though I was not comfortable with the fact that he’d be drinking with her. But I trusted him. We texted occasionally, he told me he was sad because I wasn’t texting much and he missed me. Drunken talk. All in all, it was fine. He told me he was going home and everyone else was going out clubbing.
He arrived home and called me. I asked him about his night. He said that he had a good time but that she was very drunk. She was hanging off of him all night and falling over and he kept having to move her away from him because she kept touching him. Her behaviour caused people he worked with to ask whether she was his girlfriend. He told me he corrected them and told them about me.
We were interrupted by a phone call from his friends. I waited for a call back but it never came so I texted him to ask what was going on. And here is where we reach the climax.
So his friends called him because she was incredibly drunk and refused to talk to anyone but my boyfriend and was trying to get him to pick her up. They were begging him to come and get her because she would not do anything unless my boyfriend talked to her.
He said he was too drunk to get her and didn’t want to anyway but would call her. I told him that in no way am I comfortable with him calling her and that it’s really weird behaviour from her. I said that she’s crossing many lines and that she clearly has feelings for him. I don’t care that she was drunk.
He said that he just wants to make sure his friend gets home safe so is going to call her. I said he’s encouraging her and that all of this is not okay. He was drunk so got annoyed at me and said i wasn’t his owner and began to argue. He said that he has no feelings for her and doesn’t care about whether she has for him because it doesn’t matter. I told him I’m not angry with him but with her and tried to deescalate the situation. He told me he didn’t end up calling her and decided to go to sleep. He promised he was going to sleep and wasn’t going to talk to her but I spent most of the night spiralling thinking he was on the phone with her.
I now don’t want her in his life whatsoever. Regardless of the alcohol, her refusing to talk to anyone but him, hanging off of him and behaving in such a way that people thought she was his girlfriend, is all not okay. But because of my history and my insecurities, I am unsure whether I’m just jealous or being too much. I also feel like my boyfriend will not cut her off. I do feel like even if he doesn’t cheat, he enjoys the attention he gets. He says there are no feelings and I believe him, but i also feel like he allowed this to build and enjoyed the validation.
I don’t really know what to do and how to approach this. I don’t want her in his life anymore and I honestly feel like my boyfriend will argue about that and say she’s just a friend to him. He said that she “was” his friend and I asked whether he didn’t want to be friends with her and he said he didn’t know. In my opinion, if someone has feelings, they’re not a friend and I would never entertain it. I feel like I’ve hit my limit. I want to know what to do and to be told if this wasn’t okay. I’m genuinely on the verge of just ending the relationship.