Hi, I’m a young woman and I’m trying to understand a situation that happened at work.
I started a new job & had this male coworker I was cordial with. Then over time he started overdoing the talking and getting more personal. So I pulled back & started cutting conversations short, keeping it strictly work related.
After that, his behavior changed. He stopped talking to me on a personal level which was good but he also stopped communicating in a work-related way. He stopped communicating w me about job tasks he was responsible for (like letting me know when he completed his portion so I could continue mine). His lack of communication was affecting my ability to do my job. He would even start to leave when my relief got there instead of waiting for his own. It was like I was now his enemy. I ended up having to report him and he just got fired.
This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this “either you’re my friend or you’re my enemy” kind of energy with a male coworker.
Can any of you explain why this happens, and how I can prevent it in the future? Because I’m genuinely confused & would prefer to not deal with this again. Thank you
TLDR
Male coworker got overly personal, I pulled back, he retaliated by withholding work communication, which hurt my job. I reported it and he was fired. This “friend or enemy” dynamic has happened before & I’m trying to understand why some men react like this
30 comments
Here’s an original copy of /u/3dicee’s post (if available):
Hi, I’m a young woman and I’m trying to understand a situation that happened at work.
I started a new job & had this male coworker I was cordial with. Then over time he started overdoing the talking and getting more personal. So I pulled back & started cutting conversations short, keeping it strictly work related.
After that, his behavior changed. He stopped talking to me on a personal level which was good but he also stopped communicating in a work-related way. He stopped communicating w me about job tasks he was responsible for (like letting me know when he completed his portion so I could continue mine). His lack of communication was affecting my ability to do my job. He would even start to leave when my relief got there instead of waiting for his own. It was like I was now his enemy. I ended up having to report him and he just got fired.
This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this “either you’re my friend or you’re my enemy” kind of energy with a male coworker.
Can any of you explain why this happens, and how I can prevent it in the future? Because I’m genuinely confused & would prefer to not deal with this again. Thank you
TLDR
Male coworker got overly personal, I pulled back, he retaliated by withholding work communication, which hurt my job. I reported it and he was fired. This “friend or enemy” dynamic has happened before & I’m trying to understand why some men react like this
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Some people can’t handle rejection. This is human behaviour that’s not specific to gender.
That’s really sad, but it’s all about him and his ego and I’m sorry to hear that it’s impacted you and your work.
this isn’t a gendered problem, shit people don’t want you to put up boundaries because it prevents them from using you to suit their needs, so you putting up boundaries is an attack
He doesn’t want to get in trouble for harassing you. It’s such a fine line to walk anymore. Just tell him you need more communication so you can get your job done and you don’t need the personal conversations. Best thing to do now is be very direct about your work related needs.
I wouldn’t attach sex to being petty, I’ve experienced plenty of backlash for setting boundaries with women, too.
Without more context, it sounds like he may have been into you, thought you were into him, and now he’s having a tantrum because he feels foolish and slighted.
Those kind of people are what we call “idiots”.
Im glad you got him fired. He’ll probably run off and start whining and complaining like a little pathetic loser.
He feels rejected. You don’t need to feel guilty and he should be more mature than this , especially if he’s not even willing to communicate about work related things in a professional setting. Also shouldn’t be passive aggressive or whatever but nonetheless he feels rejected.
By “personal”, what are you saying, exactly?
He’s protecting himself. He sees you as someone that might cause him problems (regardless if it’s true or not) so in his mind he’d rather just not associate with you at all to prevent any potential issues from arising in the future. It’s not friend vs enemy mentality. It’s more “not wanting to worry about someone who could go to HR with a harassment claim”
You got your coworker fired because he didn’t want to talk to you? That’s cold bro…
Some people are assholes. It has nothing to do with gender.
He wanted to fuck/date/whatever you. He didn’t care about you as a coworker or a person. You rejected him by trying to be professional at work, which is a good thing. And because he doesn’t see you as a full person now that you rejected him (whether it was intentional or not), he won’t even communicate with you in any capacity.
He is an immature asshole. Unfortunately you had to deal with him.
Low EQ, lack of respect for you as a person, or the boundary changes something foundational to the relationship for one or both of you.
In your example, that cat had a problem and you handled it correctly.
It’s important to have boundaries respected, but it’s also important to understand what boundaries are, and not call everything a boundary…unless everything is a boundary…in which case, best of luck 🙏🏻
My ex used to pull that bullshiggidy: “you don’t respect my boundaries”
“Uhh, you don’t communicate your boundaries. Please tell me what they are, and be sure you’re sure about them, because moving the goal posts on me will not be ok.”
It doesn’t have to be this hard, but some people make it hard because they say words and don’t know what those words really mean.
Immaturity.
I can see why men hate you. You get them fired.
Some guys think fuck, marry, kill is real life. If you aren’t one of the first 2, then you’re dead to them. It’s sad and you don’t need people like that in your life.
Because they’re assholes
*”Why do some men treat u as an enemy after u set boundaries?”*
Why do some women treat u as an enemy after u set boundaries?
Same answer OP.
Well, do to miscommunication you got him fired so don’t be surprised when people at work are leary to be around and work with you.
He didn’t need to go about the way he did, nor did you need to go to hr.
Why is it so hard for people to comprehend communication
“either you’re my friend or you’re my enemy” I don’t think friend was what he was going for and he got mad about rejection
Well adjusted adults don’t act like that.
How was he getting personal? How did you pull back? It’s not clear how you set boundaries.
The way this is all worded sounds like a break down in comms causing confusion or that the guy is a petty asshole.
I can’t make up my mind which, because of the ambiguity.
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to be a woman in society. You did nothing wrong here. It’s an unfortunate reality that many guys engage women with a singular focus that you have little to no control over.
However, in a work setting, it’s manageable. The best thing you can do is figure out what a proper process would look like. Let your manager know what struggles you are running into, then propose a procedural solution that would resolve it. Then let your manager dictate the process to both of you to ensure accountability. That way any disputes become about adherence to process instead of personal conflict. The more you focus on process efficiency, the more effective you will be at negating these situations, and the better you’ll set yourself up for future promotions.
Well you came off as rude obviously.
Some men have no emotional maturity and see any act of kindness or expressed interest as some sort of payment for returned interest… Unless you can go back in time and parent them correctly you’ll probably have to deal with it forever because those wussies are everywhere..
Kinda sounds like he was right to treat you like an enemy tbh. Sounds like you escalated things to the nth degree at the first sign of trouble. No mention of bringing the issue up to him or anybody else in a less nuclear way.
> This “friend or enemy” dynamic has happened before & I’m trying to understand why some men react like this
It’s cultured. Men are essentially cultured to believe that women are property and sex objects, and when a woman firmly declares no (i.e. rejects the man’s sexual advances) a poorly cultured man will react with emotional and sometimes physical violence. The “not every man” men in the replies to this comment will demonstrate that a lot of men are also functionally illiterate. These failures are generally associated with conservatism and subscription to a religion.
If you set a boundary, and someone gets upset about it, then you know it was the right thing to do.
So this guy was friendly with you. Then you cut him off. Okay fair. He decides to cut you off completely and that’s good for him. You are a grown adult who can’t figure out how to do her own job without an assist from the same person you just set boundaries with. He is now setting boundaries with you. If you expect him to respect your boundaries you must also now respect his boundaries and figure out how to do your job without him.
And to top it all off you get him fired. This takes away his income and ability to survive in this world. That’s an evil thing to do to a person for setting boundaries you didn’t like.
You are the one in the wrong here.
How are you gendering a personality behavior. It’s wrong to generalize men based on two experiences.