Hey Reddit,
I (42M) have been dating my GF(40) female for just a little over two years. Its been wonderful, she is everything i have dreamt of in a partner. She supportive, very smart, ambitious, generous, kind, and beautiful. Literally everything i could ask for. We have a great relationship, but have our ups and downs like most especially since we are blended family but we work hard on things and communicate a lot about issues when they arise. She has never given me any reason to not trust her, until today.
For some context she has been married handful of times and all but one of those marriages ended due to her being cheated on or so I'm told, i do question it because through things she has said and things i have put together some timelines of other relationships and hookups are very close. Her and I started talking only a few weeks after her last marriage ended, which seemed like a big red flag but i digress. We are very open about our pasts which is great, i think you can learn a lot from past relationships and apply it things you like or don't, lessons learned, etc. We both know how many people we have slept with another one I'm not so sure about is true, since the number is very close and i said it first. One thing she insisted on when we first started dating within the first month is we unfollow anyone in the past we had dated, slept with, were interested in, etc. I had already done this, but figured it was due to her past of being cheated on (this will come into play later). We pretty much tell each other everything and discuss matters like if we have any issues with our coparenting with our exes, etc and learn on each other for advice on how to handle situations in a smart and calm matter. One thing i should also mention is when we drink she likes to talk a lot and overshares a lot.
The issue today her and i were texting back and forth while both working. She sends me some random text that makes no sense. Nothing crazy, but seems like a catching up text with someone clearly not meant for me. I respond saying, "I think that was meant for someone else." she says sorry it was for my friend. Then she asked me if i watched something she sent me and her friend saw it and was asking questions. she kept referring to them as They. "They" asked me if this was happening where i live, "They" wanted to make sure everything was good, etc. As soon as she said "they" when referring to a singular person it triggered me, which was definitely past trauma which i have had multiple exes do this when trying to be secretive in the past who did cheat on me. Either way i said hey, can you please just say friend or him. The whole "they" thing triggered some past drama from relationships, i know its not your fault and something i need to work on but if you could try temporality until i work through this. We have been together for 2 years i have literally never heard her mention friends as "they" usually by name or friend. Well she took very badly to say the least. Telling me how dumb it was and she should be able to say what she wants and not tip toe because something from my past relationships. She did have some valid points which i agreed with, even admitted multiple times this had nothing to do with her. I did also bring up in the past she has asked me not to say phrases or things because her exes use to "say it all the time" which to me seems similar. Of course i did stop because who wants intentionally give the ick to their SO.
This talk turned into an argument where i don't trust her and she's been nothing but honest, she sent me the screen shot of the conversation which i didn't even look at. I tried to reassure her i did trust her and this was my own issue and not hers. Well then she mentioned that she deleted everyone off social media she had past with besides two people she has kids with. this i knew not to be true. She has an ex husband which i could careless, but she had recently told me he was still on there when we were drinking. as well that night conversation turned into she had a lot of pictures of people from past relationships when we first started dating into randomness of someone she dated for 3 months about 5 years ago, again someone i could carless. I'm sure it was petty I said did you really delete everyone off social media that you had dated? She said yes i deleted all of them out of respect for you when we first started talking. I took a screen shot of her friends number, well about 10 minutes later she was missing 8 friends. Surprise, surprise both guys i mentioned above were gone and 6 others. When i showed her two screens shots she lost it, called me childish and said she was at the dr and didn't do anything. Then later she tells me she only deleted one guy the dude she dated for three months and the other profiles were people who deleted their account. Again i know its a lie because she deleted her ex husband, with a little snooping a few dudes liked her post within the last few days.
She mentioned the one guy (she dated for three months) said they had only chatted and that was it. When i say no last week you talked about him and said you dated for three months and he had a small dick. Now you're saying you chatted only, we have different versions of chatting. then it switched to we went on some dates he had ED and we stopped trying and become friends and i didn't think it was a big deal. which in honesty its not but its the lies that bug me, how many others friends did she do the same? She got mad and said don't call me a liar, how she can't be in a relationship with people calling her liar. Flipped everything on me, how insecure i am. I have literal proof in texts where she said she didn't delete anyone to her only deleting one person. from her only chatting, to they dated. I never even mentioned that i know she deleted more people than some deleted profile bs. I'm just curious what everyone would do? the crappy part is i don't even care about her past nor am i jealous. I just really can't stand the dishonesty part and it's making me look back at other things and questions things. Also this wasn't even my idea the social media stuff, we are adults here and as long as stuff isn't flirty we can act like adults as long as we have respect for our partner then have on there who you want. I do realize how this comes off especially for my age, but it has me looking back at other things and wondering if that was truthful or just another lie. I don't get why someone would lie about something so small that doesn't matter and just ride it out and keep lying. seems like it might be the same way about other things. if you made it this far, thank you for your time.