I tried to condense this and probably left out some more details but here we are.
So I (38F) Start seeing this guy (32M) a few months back. He was a bit dysfunctional but we got along so well and instantly clicked. I told him after a week that I can’t continue hanging out with him unless he gets his shit together. The next day he puts himself into AA (much needed) and really immerses himself in the program (He’s 90 days clean now).
I know dating someone in early recovery is a risk I took. I knew what I was getting myself into and that it wouldn’t be easy. But things were so fun and happy and we just genuinely enjoyed each other. It wasn’t even all about sex too-we took our time with that. We just had a natural spark.
When I met him he was on a downward spiral, on unemployment, making side money doing odd jobs and working for his cousins business. He was drinking all day and doing blow which I wasn’t aware of until later on, but that all stopped when he started program. I pushed him to be a better person, stayed patient while he felt comfortable opening up and being vulnerable. We spent the holidays together, had a great time with his family and they loved me. He was very good to me, happier and went to meetings every day. Paid for everything, helped me out around my place. Helped make my life less stressful. As the weeks went on, we got closer.
Because of my age, I like to be upfront early on while dating about my intentions. I’m not here to waste time and I know what I want. I was shocked to have that conversation with him, a younger man, and learn that he’s on the same page and willing to work with the same timeline. At last, I thought: everything is falling into place.
And then, things started to shift. He became more moody. Started being hot and cold. Withdrawing. Conversations about my feelings became a battleground, and he started twisting things to make me out like the bad guy. He’d constantly tell me that he was “trying” and he “doesn’t want to be this way”, with promises to do better, but nothing would change. And it just progressively got worse.
Two days after Christmas my cat died. It was absolutely devastating to me. It was hard for him as well, because he got really close with her. We mourned for a little while and then it’s like he stopped checking in to see how I was feeling. Christmas came and it was lackluster. His pattern of not being able to emotionally be there for me and meet me with compassion and empathy during tough times really showed, and I started begging for simple tenderness. And it didn’t end there.
New years we had a reservation for Omakase and then spending the rest of the night lowkey. This was right around the time when he got accepted at a lab back in his career field. I bought him a $300 watch as a gift. He treated to omakase. So much excitement and positivity. But the night came. And he was just….unenthused. Detached. Flat. Anxious. During dinner I tried to connect and it went nowhere. After dinner I tried talking to him about it in the car and he got defensive and yelled at me. We spent the whole rest of the night fighting. I went to bed crying.
The rest of January has been a nightmare. He blames it on him being broke (unemployment ran out and he has to wait a few weeks for his first paycheck at his new job). But his mistreatment of me got significantly worse. Fewer texts, calls, attention. Fewer fun. Zero sex. Barely any presence. And he promised me that everything would get better once he got this new job and it got WORSE. Ignoring me, giving me less love. This attitude of not caring anymore. Being so checked out. And the worst part is that he won’t admit the reason. He just keeps telling me he loves and cares about me. It’s giving me cognitive dissonance. I actually feel like I’m going crazy. He cries so much in shame and guilt for how he’s been treating me. I’ve cried almost every day because of this blatant emotional neglect. And I just feel used. He told me I made his life so much better and gave him hope again. And I’ve just gotten the shaft. I wonder if he just wanted to be with me to get back on his feet. Because I feel so tossed to the side now that he has his career back and I just hate how awful I feel. Not even sure if there’s a purpose or question for this but I just needed to get it out.