Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here!

38 comments

1. I’m back on the apps after dating someone for a few months before they had to leave my country. We knew it was only short-term and had an end date but it was really nice. Now I’m back on the apps and I just hate it. Trying to make conversation, break through the noise, get noticed and be interesting through text is just exhausting. And who knows if the person you’re talking to is real, honest, not crazy and not going to flak/ghost.

2. My self esteem has been through the roof lately. Tried a new shave and I have just the stache going along with my beard stubble, which really emphasizes my jawline, which is nice.

   Been going to the gym for a month and a half now and I can start to see subtle but noticeable gains. Even ppl IRL are telling me that I looked like I gained weight. I feel so strong and handsome 😎

   AND I have a date lined up for Feb 7th. Really excited about that one. Hoping it works out! But if not then that’s cool too. She’s really cute tho and she has really gorgeous eyes. She’s also a nerd like myself. We’ve played OSRS together and she helped me get started when getting back into it because she has so much stuff in-game lol

3. Probably just more of a journal here…

   After a decade, I’m doing a trial run of living back in my hometown (San Diego). It took a bit to get comfortable but I’m there and it’s been good for the past week. My family is constantly stopping by, helping me out getting settled into my new places, I get to see everyone, including my nieces and nephews more. But they also keep making a mess in my apartment lol.

   Yesterday, it was my dad’s birthday and we had a table for 22 with a lot of extended family. This weekend, I’ll see my best friend about an hour drive up, and all of my family will be at Legoland for my niece’s birthday, and shortly after, Chinese New Year.

   I’ve had quite more dating options with the increase in diversity here. 4 first dates so far in the past couple of weeks, 2 being pretty good, and have a few more first dates to try out. It’s been interesting seeing my assumptions challenged. A couple of dates were bad at texting, very disengaged and slow to respond and confirm plans, but vibed well in person. Then the opposite happened too, very engaged in text, but the person was awkward and looked very uncomfortable in person. There are some stereotypes that I’m trying to unravel/challenge myself to change, dating these international Asians (I’m Chinese American). It’s interesting, not sure why I haven’t met anyone Asian American yet, but perhaps that population is a little more up north.

   Very first world problem I understand, but I’m starting to blend in details and forgetting who I told what, but I hope this will just ease once I get a few dates in and choose someone to exclusively date.

   I’m definitely getting less free time to myself though, which is fine and good for now, and I’m sure it’ll slow down at some point. Holidays were a bad time to start a single player video game and now that’s on pause for a while lol. I’ve explored the climbing and powerlifting gyms, and even though I’m mostly a powerlifter, I think it will make more sense to get a membership climbing to find a community and just more cost effective. Powerlifting clientele tends to be young 20s it seems, and needs to discount less since it’s a specific niche that doesn’t offer that much more to a layman over a typical regular gym.

4. I stayed over at Probably Want’s Babies place last night 🤦

   My plans cancelled, she asked if I wanted to get a drink. We closed out a wine bar, I walked her home (it was right around the corner) and as I was prepping myself to leave she asked, “want to come in and meet my cat?”

   She barely ever invites anyone over to her place, especially men, so I was *really* surprised. We made out a bit, stopped ourselves from doing anything more, and passed out cuddling. I woke up spooning her with her cat asleep on top of me and for a brief moment I allowed myself to enjoy it as if it were really real and going to work.

   We are are so fucking stupid.

5. WTF…

   Decided to give the guy who canceled a second chance, so we scheduled the date for tomorrow. He apologized for canceling several times in different ways (“I’ll make it up to you,” etc.) and it was starting to feel a little too much. To keep it light, I repeated that it was okay, and added a line about “no judgment if I’m over-dressed since I’ll be coming straight from work 😂” since we’re meeting at a casual spot.

   He responded again saying I could wear whatever and that he’s just happy to get a second chance. I hearted the message and left it at that.

   …But then he sends another message: “it all comes off the same way 😂”

   This feels suggestive, right? Am I overreacting, or is it just me being sensitive from getting sexualized so often on these apps?

6. Cadence for a second date question. Is it okay if the guy has to wait two weeks for a second date? This week is so busy for me and it’s something that has to happen on the weekend(when I’m not working). I’m also not looking to rush anything.

7. What is in-between serious and casual, if not a situationship or ongoing fwb lol? Matched on tinder, his preference was “longterm, open to short” mine is longterm only. His opening message to me asks what I’m looking for, serious or casual? I just responded in one word, serious. He then proceeds to say he is looking for something in between, a consistent connection that builds on chemistry. I say so it sounds like a situationship or friends with benefits – alright some people want that. He says no, he wants to find someone who will eventually be his wife, and build a family, that he is not just looking to hookup. So I tell him that saying it’s not a situationship, but you don’t do hookups, but it’s in between is definitely mixed messages with finding his wife, like what? What exactly takes it down from serious? You didn’t say seeking longterm but will settle for a hookup, which is what I assume when I see that preference? No sense in trying to make sense of it. We mutually unmatched.

8. Added this to my Hinge profile. What do you think? I didnt want to make it seem like there was one “clear” answer. But I did have it as a soft weedout question.

   >Would you rather

   > – Come up with date ideas but keep it flexible until the night
   > – Plan the date in advance, send the itinerary, and confirm the day before
   > – Go with the flow and see where things lead

9. Went on a first date with a girl from FB dating on Friday. She lives 75 minutes away, and we talked daily for several weeks. We were both looking for just casual, and talking was good. I drove up there and we hit a few bars after she got off work and I spent the night.

   The date was fun, but she made some comments after that seemed rude. She said she wished I liked her less – I found it insulting. I didn’t think I did anything over the top, like not over complimenting, just was enjoying my time, and engaging with her.

   She said she got turned off because I said something along the lines of “come on, come dance with me. Come have fun” when she was dancing and having fun (she was not) we were standing at a table right next to the dance floor where a band was playing. She said this was “pushy” but I didn’t repeatedly ask and she didn’t say anything about it bothering her, or even decline. While we were talking before the date, I told her I like dancing with people, and she said she’d like to dance with me.

   Then she’s turned off because I seemed like I didn’t want to pull away after we kissed. And then something like trying to kiss her in public and people were around that she knew – she had already initiated kissing with me and she friggin sat on my lap outside the bar. At no point would I say I forced myself on her in anyway, or ignored her boundaries, in fact, I’d say she initiated pretty much everything. We had kind of set the expectation that we were going to have sex before we even met up – I know, moving quick, but it was discussed and we were on the same page.

   Just seems to me like she was looking for small irritations not to go out with me. What’s wild is she said she finds me attractive, and wants to continue spending time together, but as friends…. Feel like that’s what dating is, but what do I know? I told her after a little bit that that was not for me.

   Whole thing seems kinda disrespectful and whiny to me.

   I woke up a little moody the next morning due to a hangover and kind of feeling disliked. I found it especially weird/off-putting saying that she wanted me to like her less. This isn’t crazy for me to feel like it’s insulting behavior, kind of rude, and overly nitpicky for a first date? I just kind of feel weird and not good about it

10. I (30F) finally started dating (late bloomer) after going on maybe one date a year for the longest time. So far I’ve been on 7 dates with 5 different guys. I need confirmation if whatever I just experienced was real or a prank.

    I met a guy (30M) on Bumble who is a traveling photographer who just moved to my city. Good conversation on the app and we agreed to get coffee this past Saturday. The date was fun — a two‑hour coffee date with no lull in conversation. I left, and he later asked for my number and said he’d love to see me again when he gets back from his trip.

    Texting was good too — back and forth banter, jokes, good energy.

    Monday, after some banter throughout the day, he asked if I was free that night to meet up. I wanted to get to know him more and find out what he’s looking for, so I said yes and we went to a local Vietnamese spot.

    I need help trying to figure out if he was trying to prank me or what was going on.

    Here is what happened over dinner:

    * When asked what inspires his photography or what he looks for when he goes out shooting, he didn’t have an answer besides “Americana.”
    * He couldn’t think of any hobbies outside of photography and then said “driving at night” and “my bed.”
    * Says he doesn’t watch movies or TV because it takes too much focus, and the only two films he saw this past year were *Rush Hour* and *Rush Hour 2*.
    * Favorite genre of music is hip hop but not “the good stuff” — he prefers SoundCloud rappers even though “the lyrics are terrible.”
    * He doesn’t like to read or listen to audiobooks because it’s too hard to follow without taking notes.
    * Told me his favorite comedian is someone who jokes about either doing ads or selling used sex toys… and that that is his kind of humor.

    He at least paid for dinner, but I left wondering if this was a bit. A prank maybe?

    The next day he texts, “I’m sure you’d agree we don’t have any romantic connection at all.” I wasn’t planning on seeing him again, but the whole thing left me confused.

    Any insight for a new dater? What even was that? Date 1 vs Date 2 was so different…

11. I was looking forward to seeing my situationship tomorrow but I think he’s gonna bail… I’m annoyed because I really wanted a sexy evening. I kinda want to text another guy I was talking to, but he left my last two messages unanswered since he got back from his trip so that would probably sound desperate. But also… do I care if a stranger think I’m desperate?

12. im scared to get back on dating apps, i havent used them in over a year. I don’t know anything about dating, I am not sure what to do? Should I get a dating coach?

13. So the trade-off of being in a budding relationship is apparently a painful acknowledgement that you’ll eventually need to be fully seen to be understood and loved. Cool.

    I’m not spiraling out or anything but I am realizing how different we are and how we were raised and how that’s likely to crop up as cause for a a rift. I really thought (and still kinda think) that I was ready to do this but now it’s pissing me off to consider closing myself off for fear of a potential mismatch.

14. Update:

    It’s been 24 hours on Bumble and I’ve hit almost [2k likes](https://imgur.com/a/AyIcPGS). Meanwhile my Hinge looks like [this](https://imgur.com/a/FWt79m7). It’s been this way since I made my account 10 days ago. I think it’s unlikely it’s the content of my profile that was leading to low numbers on Hinge and more just the Hinge algorithm. Unfortunately being bombarded on Bumble isn’t a better alternative. I wish there were a happy in-between. If anyone has a better app recommendation, I’m open to it.

15. Went on one date with a guy. It went well and I texted after saying hope to see you again. We continued random conversation throughout the week until the convo died. Like a week later he messaged if I want to go out again. I said sure, I’m free early in the week. He then takes another few days to respond and says to “hit him up” when I’m free. Exhausting lol my assumption was he was not that interested so I said I was no longer interested. Was that a valid reaction? I expect more directness and if someone isn’t an initiating a date within a week of the first, I am already checked out.

16. I just read the comments in this post:

    [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1qg0pml/maybe_someone_has_the_same_problem_as_me/](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1qg0pml/maybe_someone_has_the_same_problem_as_me/)

    i completely and totally understand why people who responded are single and miserable people.

    Bullying someone over being autistic, I really hoping this sub is infested with a bunch of highschoolers larping as 30+ years old cause I cannot imagine being in your 20s with this type of bullying mentality let alone in your 30s. Jesus.

17. 38f. have been OLD for quite some time. I’ve had varying lengths of relationship as well and seriousness. I’m getting less and less interested. I find this type of compliment or kick off to conversation so empty. I think he’s super cute but I’m honestly speechless on what to say, and it’s not because lI’m flattered. We just matched….

    him: Look, may not be an expert in Greek mythology, but I’m 100% sure you are a goddess.
    me: maybe in a past life?
    him: I mean, youre absolutely gorgeous, I think you are still a goddess

    ladies, how do you get past this type of communication to see if there’s a connection? or is the fact that l’m so annoyed by this type of intiation of conversation, a sign to move onward?

18. The guy friend whose been dropping subtle hints for me, just found out, he’s not into giving oral. And that is a major deal breaker for me. Anyone else feel that way? I can’t imagine settling in a relationship where I never recieve. ( And I def love to give, but like it needs to be equal exchange ya know).

19. I’m at a comedy show at a little bar, an event that was marketed as a mixer/comedy show about dating. “Perfect for singles looking to meet new people.”

    Literally everyone in his small room is in a group of two, mostly couples. How am I supposed to mix and mingle when everyone is sitting in pairs?

20. [removed]

21. I really want to believe that something good is coming my way. I want to believe that for everyone here too.

    I’m kind of nervous for the date on the 7th. I’ve been on many dates before and it’s not like I struggle on the date itself, but nervous for how it’s going to turn out. I would like to hope that she likes me back, but I can’t tell.

    I don’t want to push anything involving that stuff through text and just see how we feel together. But it would be so cool if this worked out for once. Part of me is expecting the worst though And that’s okay, sucks, but it’s okay. This is the first date I’ve had in almost a year.

22. Another guy just messaged me saying he “wants to make me moan.” What the fuck is going on… it’s genuinely starting to get to me.

    There is nothing on my profile that suggests I’m looking for hookups. I’m very clear about wanting a relationship. My photos are normal. I do have one photo that’s on the sexier side, me in a bodycon dress (fully covered), and yeah, it’s the one that gets the most attention. But I honestly don’t see how that translates to “send me explicit sexual messages”.

    Are other women having a similar experience? This isn’t Tinder, which I know is often treated as a hookup app in the U.S. I’m genuinely confused and frustrated. I’m not completely new to dating apps, but the first time I used them I met my ex fairly quickly. After that relationship ended, I wasn’t looking for anything serious at first, so maybe I just didn’t notice this behavior as much. Still, during the first month I was on the app before meeting my ex, I didn’t have this experience at all.

23. I’m going to a neat event next week for work for something that’s opening in my city. I asked for a +1 for a coworker, but have since learned she can’t make it. I asked another coworker if she wants to go. She can’t make it. Another coworker will already be there. Now I have a +1 for anyone.

    My usual go-to person will already be there (woo, awesome), so she doesn’t need it.
    My best friend can’t come.
    Some of my other friends are married/have young kids/can’t swing an after work weeknight event.
    So I’ve invited my brother. I’m waiting to see if he wants to come. If not I’ll ask my dad. If he
    / busy or uninterested, I’ll ask my uncle.

    It just… sucks not having a partner that can join me and be my built in +1. I’m *always* flying solo in life and it’s exhausting.

24. So the last couple of weeks I have been doing some inner soul searching or whatever we want to call it. I started back on the dating apps after a hiatus and was like I’m just here for what the universe gives me. I was kinda okay with either FWB or casual at the start, but the last few weeks I think I have come to realize that’s not what I want. I have been talking to this one guy for 6 weeks now, and I think the act of having someone that talks to me everyday has made me realize that’s what I want again.
    I think I want someone who is focused on me, making me feel wanted.

    I don’t think the guy I went on a date with will turn out to be that… which is fine because I didn’t have these more direct thoughts when I originally started talking to him. I did want to try a 2nd date, because I enjoyed him and had a good time. But I don’t think he’s gonna make me feel wanted (honestly I don’t think he ready to date). So I guess now I figure out with my shift in mindset – which is totally my fault and I feel like an asss about it – if I cut this off now, or wait it out.

25. LMFAO

    Sent my best friend screenshots of the exchange that I posted about here (the date guy) and she genuinely goes “I hope you go on that date”, and continues to go “gtfo, NO YOU DID NOT” when I told her I unmatched. 😂😂😂 I’m literally crying. How can we see this so differently

26. Well… I can’t say I didn’t try. A couple weeks ago I was posting in here cause I had told this guy I wanted to buy him a drink and he responded positively. Weeks went by. Same casual conversation, no mention of meeting up. Today I gave it one last chance and asked if we could get together this weekend. His response? I wish I could, the kids’ sports are about to start up again. No specifics. The kids are in high school and the sports are school sports, the semester barely even started.
    Time to start moving on from the MASSIVE crush I’ve had on this dude for years. I can’t believe he fumbled it when we were this close to making something happen. And…… I still have to see him at work a few times a year.

27. Went to bowling tonight. Was the best on my team (we still lost 2 out of 3, but i was above average all three games)

    I ask one of the women to introduce me to the newest team because I want to socialize amd I’m shy.

    I get introduced and one of the women says she likes my collar and gently tugs on it. I am kinda taken aback by it but I say thank you and go back to bowling. I’m still trying to process what happened. For the record, I’m not offended or weirded out, I’m just shocked.

    Neurotypical people help, is this flirting?

28. I can’t bring myself to swipe right right on a profile if a guy has a woman of similar age in a photo with him (not like a friend group photo, just him and a woman). I know the likelihood of someone being dumb enough to include a picture of their ex on their profile is very low, but to me it’s simply not worth the risk.

29. I wish I had dated more seriously in my 20s and gotten married and then gone for my education. Instead I did the opposite, I have a bachelors and masters degree in IT and I am a software engineer making good money but I am still single and never had a relationship. I wish I had done it the opposite way and I regret this decision so much.

30. A little celebratory moment in the journey of dating my guy for over 3 months now: we met several of each others close friends last weekend! And I think overall it went pretty well. One big milestone down, now to just define this dang thing 😅

31. My relationship is impacting my sleep (not the way you think!) and I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend is an extremely light sleeper, so I wake him up every time I shift. But I also wake up to shift positions because he lays his arm straight across my pillow due to a chronic shoulder injury, which means I am resting my head on his bony arm instead of pillow.

    We sleep over maybe 3 days a week, so I can still rest the other 4 days in my own bed alone, but the days we do sleep together, it messed up my schedule for the day since I am tired and out of it. So it’s not a problem now, but should this become more serious, I reckon something must change to avoid both of us waking up grumpy and resentful.

    Has anyone ever had this dilemma of both parties having shit sleep? 

32. 35m, was invited by a friend a year ago to go to a comic/nerd convention in Atlanta in 2024 and stayed in an AirBnB with the three women. I was going to sleep on the couch, but one of them said she was fine sharing the other bed with me. I’ve shared beds with women platonically before, so nbd. But over that weekend I found myself drawn to her energy and attitude. There were a few times where she didn’t want to do what the other two in the group were doing, and neither did I, so I followed and she didn’t seem to mind – it seemed like we had a good time.

    I tried to get in touch afterwards. She kinda ghosted me after agreeing we should meet up – her mutual friend said she was going through a tough time that year.

    I met her again in similar circumstances – they were going to a convention and I got a day pass to come hang out. We split off from our friend and got a couple drinks and hung out doing con stuff before the dance. She apologized for ghosting me and that she was going through it back then. I didn’t want to pry, though.

    I reached out again after this past weekend and said I had fun, and invited her to grab a bite to eat. She took a while to respond, but said that while she’s got family plans this weekend next week she’s free.

    I think i’ll try hitting her up for plans next week, but I’m not sure. I would like to know if we get along well outside of the convention setting and know more about her. I am thinking I shouldn’t try and make too much conversation over text if and until I actually get a chance to meet up and chat in a more IRL situation.

    Though I’ve gone on dates and did one relationship since a divorce several years ago, it’s seldom that I find anyone whose energy draws me in. The divorce did a number on me, so I’m cautiously hopeful.

33. When do you guys say I love you for the first time? I’m definitely feeling it after 4.5 months but scared to say it. He’s been dropping some hints about it so I think he may feel the same. I’m 40 but dating after a 20 year hiatus is like being a teenager again! I don’t know what I’m doing, haha.

34. Would my lack of a serious sex drive be a turn off? Sex is great don’t get me wrong and I do enjoy it but a combination action of my mental illness and trauma its just not a huge priority for me. My last ex had sex as a massive priority but when I explained that some days I’m just not really up to it she would get pouty which would then make me want sex even less.

35. I’m really sad. Ended things with a man I really liked and wanted to be in a relationship with but he is sort of recently divorced (<2 yrs) and gave me the it’s not you, it’s me spiel. I wish I believed him.

36. [deleted]

37. There were a few pretty scary red flag warnings on the fourth date so I decided I didn’t want a fifth.

    But I also didn’t hear from him for a week so figured we were on the same page. Except he just messaged to ask if I wanted to come over on the weekend.

    I don’t understand how someone can be interested in seeing someone else but be perfectly happy to not communicate for a whole week?

    Weird.

38. DAE get the ick from “buzzwords” on dating profiles?

    e.g. I really don’t like people who are “looking for emotional intelligence”, or “dating with intention”, “somebody secure” because it feels so easy to put the words in a profile but I trust them less to follow through? its the idea that if that was truly you, you wouldn’t feel the need to put it in writing for people to see

    but maybe I’m being unfair!