My partner first asked me to do this last year, and I did it because I didn't really mind it then. I'm usually very open to trying new things in bed, as long as they don't trigger my trauma.
When I first did it, he enjoyed it, and I thought it would be something we would do occasionally but not regularly. It couldn't be farther from the truth.
He kept asking me to do it and, despite my discomfort, I did it every time for his sake. It got to a point where he asked me to buy him a dildo because my fingers weren't enough for him anymore.
I started to avoid having sex altogether because I just hate doing it.
I wish I could say it's not about stigma, but I think that's exactly the reason why. I grew up surrounded by conservative people and these kinds of things are uncommon to hear about.
I began seeing him as less than a man and I hate it. I started thinking about past crushes I had and even masturbated thinking about them.
I feel awful about doing this to him and thinking this way, but I no longer enjoy sex with him. My hypersexuality is making me have unfaithful thoughts constantly because of this situation.
Not only that, but I realized the problem isn't what he asks for, it's the fact that I have to do it. It turns me off to do it and he can't finish without doing it anymore.
I really am at a loss for this. Can someone give me advice on what to do? I really don't want to break up with him.