A little more than two weeks ago, I posted here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1q5ujbk/did_i_f_up/
This is a bit of an update on things. As mentioned in that earlier post, my wife and I are navigating through a decade long sexless marriage and trying (at least on my part) to find that spark and revive our physical intimacy. That post was about my own anxiety about keeping us moving in a positive direction but feeling really unsure of whether or not I had added more pressure on her (the low libido partner).
First, I want to thank everyone who posted…I got a lot of great support and advice. I think the best advice I got was to talk a breath when I got home and to decide whether to talk about what happened based on her state of mind (she had woken up that morning in a panic attack).
When I did get home that evening, she was clearly a bit distant and even said to me that she was just feeling off all day. I let things lie, and didn't bring things up again. But I did still want to have a conversation to share some of the things on my mind, as I was still feeling like we were losing some of the momentum we had in the fall.
Well – over the past couple of weeks, things got a lot more complicated with news that her father was in the hospital – this is an odd complication because her father was abusive to her and her mother, the source of a lot of her anxiety, cPTSD, and mental health issues, and we have kept contact with them at arm's length for many years now.
Anyway, without getting into a lot of detail, earlier this week, I had told her that even though things were pretty complicated, that I would love to be close physically and even just hold her…which she responded well to and said she would love to snuggle and just be held, which we did, falling asleep with her in my arms. Then this morning, we went out for our weekly Friday morning coffee/breakfast, and unprompted, she suggested that we find time for us tonight.
For folks who haven't been in a years long sexless marriage where you feel like roommates at times, it's hard to convey the impact of her bringing this up and making this suggestion.
While there are things I still want to talk to her about, it seems like right now just being there for her and gently creating openings for physical connection and intimacy seem like the best course of action.
I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone's advice a couple of weeks ago, and thank you to this community for providing a space (much healthier for me than the DeadBedrooms sub) where I can express and share some of this in a way that also helps me organize my own thoughts and feelings.