before all the bumble and social media stalking, my bf kept lots of sex tapes with his ex and with some girls he had been with before. before i found out, i asked him if he had deleted all the sex tapes he had with his ex, and he said yes. but later i found out he didn’t and he lied to me. when i confronted him, he manipulated me and made me cry. he even kept asking me to leave his house. i'm still traumatized by that to this day.
a few months later, i found out my bf downloaded bumble just to “check” if his ex was on there. he constantly searched for her on every social media platform. instagram, reddit, everywhere. he even asked his friend to do a tarot reading about her. while he was already with me, he texted her about going out for dinner and gym partner, she harshly refused it. and i only found out bcoz my friend told me.
the day i found out still haunts me. i was at his house, using the toilet, right after we had been intimate. that was the lowest moment of my life. i felt stupid, humiliated, and completely shattered.
when he sent that text to his ex about to be his gym partner and dinner, it was before my bday dinner. i rmb feeling weird that he seemed moody when we celebrated my bday together, and why he didn’t ask about my day when i was at my hometown. the dinner for my birthday was mostly silent. at that time, i told myself maybe it was bcoz he was stressed from work. but once i found out the date of the text he sent, it hurt me badly, he was moody bcoz his ex refused his dinner and gym partner.
we talked about it. he apologized. we “fixed” things. but the truth is… i never healed.
deep down, i'm terrified he’ll cheat on me or that he’s still obsessively stalking his ex like a psycho. even she called him weird for being obsessed with her. idc about her, i just don’t understand why he cared so much about someone who isn’t even in his life anymore.
and now i started doing the same thing. i stalk her social media. i look at her art accounts. i compare myself to her and silently ask, what does she have that i don’t? everytime i think about it, i spiral. i feel smaller. i feel ugly. i feel replaceable.
sometimes i'm scared that the way i talk, dress, or act will remind him of her. i hate that my brain even goes there.
our one year anniversary is coming up, and i feel awful admitting this, but i'm not happy. my trust is shattered. every small thing he does makes me suspicious. every silence feels like a threat. i'm constantly anxious, constantly insecure.
sometimes i check his location bcoz i'm scared he’ll do smth behind my back again. and if i'm being honest, i feel like i'm already mentally preparing myself for the day he cheats on me. deep down, i feel like it’s going to happen and i'm just waiting for it. but at the same time, i rlly don’t want it to happen.
sometimes i just wish he would update me constantly after breaking my trust. like for example, sometimes he doesn’t text me when he reaches his office, and i only find out through his location. or i wonder who he goes to the gym with or hangs out with. he does tell me sometimes, but not everyday. idk if i'm asking too much.. i just feel anxious bcoz of what he did last time.. i wasn't like this.. this is not me.
i feel like i'm never enough. not pretty enough. no special enough.