Hi everyone. This is pretty personal, but I really need some perspective.
I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year now and it’s genuinely the healthiest, calmest and most secure relationship I’ve ever had.
It doesn’t feel like chaos or constant excitement—it feels like peace, certainty and a sense of wholeness. I truly believe this is my person and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Before this, I was in a relationship that lasted almost 10 years of which 7 years was a long- distance relationship.
We started dating in school, grew up together, and became adults side by side.
She is an amazing woman. She loved me deeply, cared about me and was genuinely kind. I’ll always be grateful that I met her and I wish nothing but happiness and success for her in life.
A lot of who I am today was shaped during that relationship.
We broke up about four years ago. After the breakup, we stayed in touch for a while but things didn't work out and it turned toxic. I didn’t like who I was becoming— angry, reactive and emotionally drained so I eventually walked away completely.
I’ve moved on, in the sense that I don’t want to be with my ex, I don’t want the relationship back.
I even cut off all contact even though staying friends was an option, because I didn’t trust myself to mentally reframe a decade-long romantic bond into a platonic one.
Here’s what’s bothering me:
I love my current partner deeply. I don’t want anyone else emotionally, mentally or physically. I’m terrified of hurting her or ruining what we have. I’ve always valued loyalty and I’ve never cheated in any relationship.
But sometimes thoughts about my ex still come up— not emotional or “I want her back” thoughts but intimate ones. I don’t intentionally entertain them and I would never act on them but when they happen, I feel intense guilt. It feels wrong, almost like cheating.
I keep wondering:
Is this normal after such a long past relationship?
Do these thoughts mean I haven’t fully moved on?
Do intrusive thoughts like this fade with time?
How do you deal with the guilt?
How do you make sure you never cross a line, even unintentionally?
I’m also scared of hypotheticals like what if I randomly ran into my ex someday?
I don’t want to feel shaken or do something stupid. I want to be fully present and committed to the woman I’m with now for the rest of my life.
Has anyone been through something similar? How did you truly move on from a long-term past relationship while being fully invested in a new, healthy one?
Any advice would really help.
TLDR:
I had a relationship of 10 years, we broke up 4 years ago after that we were in touch for a while but then I met my current partner with whom I have a great, loving and healthy relationship.
I then cut off all the contact with my ex but sometimes intrusive thoughts (intimate ones) about her still pop up
I don’t act on them, but the guilt scares me.
Is this normal, do these thoughts fade and how do I make sure I never hurt my current partner or cross a line?