To be clear, I'm no dating expert and there is no sales pitch or "buy my course" hidden within this. I'm just someone who has struggled with dating over time and would like to help others not make the mistakes I made along the way.
My personality type is a 'Logician', so I tend to over-analyse things and believe there is a successful formula for everything. But dating is about emotions. I think reddit tends to attract people like me as we like to read and learn about stuff.
I don't approach women in public, I'm too shy of that and fear rejection unfortunately. So I just used the dating apps.
So here's my observations of things I got wrong over the years…
-Don't try to fool your date in to thinking you're something you're not.
There's nothing you can change on the day of the date, so don't try.
You can't suddenly become somebody else just for the day of that date. It takes months and sometimes years to become the person you want to be. Everything you have to offer on that date is from months and months of work and culmination to get to that point. That's all you've got so express it. If you aren't happy with what you're offering then give yourself months to put that right, not hours before the date. (Whether that's your personality or physical appearance). Don't try to fool them, you'll only be found out in the long-run.
Remember "Expression not impression"
-A good conversation or a good time is not a good date
Thanks for this one Dad…. My Dad's advice would always be to just go there, be yourself and have a good conversation with someone.
While this is true for 90% of the date, you also need to explore the person you're with. Try to find opportunities to find out how they think, what they value, what's important to them and be clear you're doing it.
With simple lines like:
"oh that's really interesting, so [insert value] is important to you?"
It doesn't have to be a therapy session, just dip in and out of understanding them.
That's way more attractive and shows intent than flirting lines. If she gets the feeling that her experience with you isn't just a conversation that everyone gets and her treatment is different, that will be deep and attractive.
-How to feel confident on your date
Someone once pointed out to me that confidence comes from a place of abundance.
If you have a job interview with 5 other interviews lined up and maybe even another job offer, you will be confident.
If you're speaking with 3 other women, you're be confident.
If you're nervous you fear failing this one particular occasion. But you need to internalise that if you've attracted this particular woman, there will be another.
And also going back to my first point, it takes the pressure off if you know all of the work has been done beforehand. So all you have to do is show up and be yourself.
-Attraction grows when you leave space for it to grow
Beyond first impressions, you can't "work" a date to grow her attraction, don't be afraid of silences and let it be silent, as above, you're not trying to have a good conversation, you're looking for an emotional connection. So silences are fine and a lot of the attraction manifests between the dates rather than what actually happens on the dates.
Silences aren't awkward on dates, just smile, take a sip of your drink, maintain some eye contact without just staring blankly.
-One night stands suck balls and are over-glorified
Wish I knew this one sooner. I used to see all my friends getting laid in night clubs with girls they've just met. If only I could be like them.
Well it turns out they really suck. The best sex is with someone you've gradually built a connection with and you truly feel something for each other. Not just a quick one then you have to worry about how the hell you're going to get back home.
So don't consume any Pick-up artist style content promising to get you laid quickly and many many times.
-Don't be afraid to state on your dating profile what you don't want
This one was a recent one for me so I haven't had much time to definitely know it works. But understanding the type of person you want and being able to state that has been working well. Don't use it in a toxic frustrated way to try throw shade to those people, but nicely stating what you're looking for and not looking for seems to give women reassurance that you're not just looking for anyone.
-Being stalkable helps
Having a good instagram where you make it easy enough to be found can help give more insight in to your life and also re-assures your dates you're a real person and the pictures on your profile are just a small sample of your life.
For me I put my place of work on my profile which allowed them to do some googling to find me. I don't recommend including your @ in your dating profile.
-There is no template or perfect timeline of how things should happen
Some people try to use a timeline as a guide as to when their first kiss should be, first time of having sex etc. But there is no timeline.
If you're on your 3rd date and for whatever reason that kiss moment hasn't happened, that's fine. If you're showing you're exploring the person themselves and showing interest in other places, the rest falls in to place eventually. Go by feel, not which stage you think you should be at.
-If you're 5ft 10 or above, put you're 6ft
If you don't believe me, ask a female friend the height of someone who is 5ft 10 and ask what height they think they are, they'll probably say 6ft 1.
Women don't want a man to be 6ft, they just fear a guy being shorter than them so that's how they make sure.
Women don't think about height like men do as it's irrelevant in their world. Where as a group of men could be asked on the spot to order everyone in the group by height and they could do it by memory instantly.
I'm 5ft 11 and as soon as I put my height as 6ft the matches flooded in.
-Getting rejected quicker is better than wasting months of your life with the wrong person
Naturally, we have fear of rejection, so we tend to filter ourselves and hide the things we think are a bit off-putting about us, but if it's genuinely you then you should express it and own it. Otherwise they find out months down the line and realise they've been dating someone who hasn't been themselves.
-Don't listen to male dating advice from a woman's perspective
They don't know what they want so don't change yourself to accommodate what they say. A lot of the time it's written by women you would never want to attract anyway and they're struggling themselves in the dating circle. You'll have all heard that girl who complains about a guy she likes and the way he's treating her, all for her just to continue to be madly in love with him. The advice that would be given to that guy would be to stop doing what she's complaining about, but unfortunately that's not how it works.
-Be good at saying "it was nice to meet you, but I didn't feel the spark"
ChatGPT will help you phrase this. But it's not just for them, it's for you. If you have the confidence to know you can send that message you will meet more people without feeling you have to commit to several dates.
Of course it's good for them too as they don't waste any of their time.
-Don't get angry or frustrated with dating
My god it's hard work and time consuming and I know we all wish that was different. I see a lot of posts on this subs saying "Why do women always…", but it doesn't matter. If it annoys you then they weren't for you anyway. Find someone who doesn't do the annoying thing.
-Buy a new SIM card and start a fresh profile
This is the only "hack" I'll ever give. If you've been on the apps for a while then the algorithm probably isn't in your favour. Go buy a cheap SIM card, just use your wifi as data, and when you have improved your profile start a new one with that number.
-Look for the "Hell yes"
Don't chase the scraps of affection. If someone isn't giving you their full 100% commitment where they are basically saying "Hell yes" do you, then move on. I've been guilty of being in a situation where I get tiny little scraps of love from an amazing girl and it is never worth it in the long-run and will drive you insane.
-Fix your posture
And finally… Not just dating advice, stand up straight, tuck your chin in, speak from your chest not your head and nose (if your voice changes when you pinch your nose you're not speaking correctly) and watch how much better people treat you. Start that today.