Just need to vent and maybe get some perspective.
I (27F) have been seeing this guy (29M) for about a month. Nothing intense a few dates, regular texting, things felt easy and normal. He’d initiate plans, check in, talk about future stuff casually. I wasn’t rushing anything but I felt like we were on the same page.
Then out of nowhere, the energy shifted. Replies got slower, plans turned into “we’ll see,” and conversations felt… polite? If that makes sense. Not rude, just distant.
I asked him if everything was okay because I didn’t want to assume. He said yes, everything’s fine, he’s just busy. But nothing changed after that. If anything, I felt more like I was bothering him for wanting clarity.
I’d honestly rather someone say “I’m not feeling it anymore” than keep me in this weird in-between where I’m questioning myself and replaying conversations trying to find what I did wrong.
I’m not asking for constant reassurance, just basic communication. Is that unrealistic now? How do you handle this without feeling needy or dramatic?
14 comments
Sounds like he’s just keeping you at arms length while he explores his options. Breadcrumbing maybe. I wouldn’t wait around if you think he’s gone cold, either he’s all in or he’s not at all.
So you guys didn’t sleep together yet right? He’s probably losing interest cuz he’s not getting what he wants (physical intimacy), while you were getting what you want (dates… attention.. compliments) So maybe he feels like things are moving so slowly that you probably won’t touch his pepe for like 3 months.. he’s like mehh whats the point.. and he’s on porn hub or talking to other girls.
What girls don’t understand is they love and enjoy texting, so they assume men do to…. that is a incorrect assumption, men view texting mostly as work…… trying to funny and witty and interesting and not step over the line, and not offend her, not too much, not too little… it’s what we call WORK, and if its all work and no play, men go else where.
You’re not being needy. Mixed signals are worse than rejection because they keep you emotionally stuck. Consistency is basic, not a big ask.
I think we should all take anything less than an emphatic yes as a rejection. It’s really not fair on us to have to put up with this. There are plenty of fish in the sea girl
He could be busy or he could be dealing with something serious (work, family, friends, health, etc) stuff that he can’t share with you yet give how short a time you two have been seeing each other
A clear “no” lets you move on, but inconsistency keeps you stuck and second-guessing yourself.
You already communicated calmly and got a vague answer; if his actions don’t match his words, that is your answer.
Wanting basic clarity isn’t needy or dramatic, it’s reasonable.
At this point, protecting your peace may mean stepping back and letting his level of effort speak for itself.
Well it’s very simple, mixed signals always mean no. There, saved you years of headaches and therapy.
Don’t overthink it, sounds like he was genuinely busy. You have no real evidence any of what you’re thinking is true. You actually asked him directly and he said everything’s fine. You’re catastrophising
Sounds like you handled it fine so i don’t think you need advice. You asked him if everything was okay. You can’t control him lying to you that it’s not or whatever else is preventing him from talking to you normally
You’re not needy, mixed signals mess with anyone. They’re honestly harder than rejection because you’re left guessing instead of getting clarity. And here’s the tricky part: **inconsistency can feel like chemistry**. The hot-cold dynamic creates nervous-system chaos, and that unpredictability can be addicting, iterally like a slot machine giving random rewards.
If someone’s into you, you don’t feel this confused. “I’m busy” without any change is usually avoidance. You’re not asking for too much. Match his energy, stop filling the gaps, and let his effort tell you the truth. He is the one that should be chasing you as a man, not the other way around. So completely stop chasing. Distance gives clearer answers than overthinking ever will.
Love,
Joan – Love & Sexuality Coach
I can almost pin point the exact moment when men have met, hooked up with or want to hook up with someone else, the replies are suddenly cold or trying to be pally, replies are slower, they don’t care much anymore about how they appear to you. I would move on, you deserve someone all in.
Mixed signals are a clear signal to move on.
Emotional closeness triggers the nervous system of a specific type of man and causes him to employ deactivation strategies to re-establish safety within his nervous system. Breaking it off with you is one of those strategies. That type of man is not for you, so avoid that type of guy, just as far as dating is concerned, whenever you come across his kind.
You deserve to have your affections held by someone with the mental capacity to appreciate, treasure, & protect them. Preferably by someone whose nervous system doesn’t shut down the minute you get too close and who doesn’t run away when things get ‘real’. If a man isn’t comfortable feeling his feelings he won’t feel comfortable caring for yours.
Source: Dr. Sarah Hensley, social psychologist with 20 years of experience studying the science of attachment who works with couples every week
“If a guy ever makes you feel like you’re not good enough, it means he isn’t willing to take the time to care for you.” ~Ashley Scott, an old friend of mine, a mechanic turned Telehealth worker
Mixed signals is a rejection. If there is anything I learned from my years of dating, this is it.