We're both ~40, this has been happening for a while now.
This has caused a ton of miscommunication and fights.
The most recent case is we went to a 2 hour couple therapy session ~1 hour away, she thought I said that after the session we'd go out for a drink, which of course I did not say, not only would it be late, but we'd be driving 1 hour back while intoxicated…
She agrees it didn't make sense.
In the past I'd doubt my memory but over the years I've come to understand she seems to hear things she wants rather than what was actually said.
I'm not sure how to approach this problem, we have kids and issues that need resolving but if I can't be sure that what I say is being received correctly or misconstrued on her end then I find it pointless.
She suffers from anxiety, and (my opinion) I think she has ADHD, she exhibits many symptoms and is very disorganized.
She also lies if it serves her purpose, eg. she said the couple's therapy counselor said something about me (painting me as the problem that I don't listen to her). I told her I'll ask the counselor to about this and she backpedaled and said she lied about it because she was scared.
She gets defensive and angry if I suggest recording conversations.
I don't think it's malicious, she did have a fucked up childhood. However I'm sick of living walking on eggshells, wondering when the next emotional blow out is going to happen and frankly am sticking it out mainly to protect the kids, she can be quite abusive when in that emotional state.
Does anyone have experience with this, the couple's therapy isn't really helping and I think this is one cause of it, she seems to disregard anything negative about her, despite the counselor explaining to her.
TL;DR Wife has anxiety and selective hearing causing problems in relationship