Description:
I (32F) have been married to my husband (33M) for 3 years, together 6. Before we moved in, we agreed on a pretty simple split: we both work full time, we split chores, and we each get personal time without guilt.
Lately it feels like he is trying to quietly change the terms and then treat me like I am unreasonable for noticing.
Examples: we agreed to alternate cooking, but he will “forget” on his nights and then say I am better at it so it makes sense for me to handle it. We agreed that weekend mornings were ours to sleep in, but now he schedules stuff and tells me last minute that he needs me up early to help. If I say no, he acts wounded and says I do not support him.
The biggest thing is social stuff. He will invite people over or commit us to events without checking. When I say I need a heads up, he says I am controlling and “don’t like his friends.” I actually like them. I just hate being volunteered.
I tried a calm sit-down talk and he apologized, but then the same pattern repeats within a week. I can feel myself getting snappy and I hate that version of me.
Length of relationship: together 6 years, married 3.
What specific advice I need:
How do I set boundaries that actually stick when he keeps reframing my needs as me being difficult? What phrases or approaches help stop the constant renegotiation without turning every issue into a fight?
TLDR: I (32F) feel like my husband (33M) keeps changing our shared agreements (chores, schedules, social plans) and calling me controlling when I object. I need concrete ways to set firm boundaries and stop the cycle.
48 comments
You say no to his plans on weekend mornings and cooking, and leave the house if he invites his friends over to have time for yourself.
Ultimately though if he’s ignoring your prior agreement and just doing whatever he wants with no regard of your feelings, why would you want to be with someone like that?
I would walk away from someone who was disrespecting me like this.
He waited until he ‘trapped’ you to show his real self.
Don’t get pregnant, whatever you do, or that will be TWO babies you have to parent.
Personally I don’t want to be a bangmaidsugarmummy to a labour digger, so wouldn’t stay in that relationship (and this is what ended both of my long term relationships with men. No issues with inequity when dating women, however).
When he forgets, don’t cook, don’t order food, just girl dinner and say “I would have preferred sticking to our schedule and having a home cooked meal.” Don’t reward him for his crap. He can make his own boy dinner. It takes two to agree. Before he has a chance to act wounded, you do it first. I don’t like being a petty person, but I will mirror if needed. And after a couple of weeks of removing yourself from the situation he set up for you, tell him you all can continue with a dysfunctional relationship or you can return to the schedule that had been working for many years.
He’s testing your limits, which imo makes him a POS. But he’s not my spouse so you have to make the call. If you all have kids he will test it over and over again until he wears you down to a burnt out nub.
“I’m not going to participate in your plans unless you include me in making them”
“I’ll find myself something to eat tonight, you can make dinner tomorrow night”
“I would be happy to help you with this task had you given me a heads up yesterday instead of demanding my time right now. I already have plans today”
He’s expecting you to give in, it will only stop once you stop picking up his slack.
>What phrases or approaches help stop the constant renegotiation without turning every issue into a fight?
“I’m not open to changing our existing agreement. You’re going to have to figure this out on your own.” DON’T renegotiate, just say no. Let him be mad. That’s his goal, to push until you give in and give him what he wants. Except it won’t go back. He’ll just keep pushing more onto you. Don’t get angry or aggressive, just say no and walk away. If he says you aren’t supportive or controlling, “that’s not what those words mean. You making unilateral decisions that require my support or participation without MY prior agreement is what is controlling. I’m not stopping YOU from doing any of this, I’m telling you I don’t want to be included. Why don’t MY feelings matter on this at all?”
Enforcement of boundaries is often the hardest part. So ask yourself, if he violates the boundary, what do you do about it?
Lean in to being called “difficult,” because yes, it is difficult to change when you had no inclination and he gave you no warning, no discussion. He just decided unilaterally to to change things. It may be controlling to object, I’m not there so I can’t really say, but it seems like keeping things the way they were just because that’s how they were is just as controlling as forcing someone to do something new without discussion or agreement.
So sit down when neither of you is angry, have a nice meal and some soothing music on and have a honest conversation. Accept that he doesn’t like the original agreement, that is apparently a foregone conclusion and admit you do not like the new rules. Re-negotiate how your marriage is going to look. Work together to make something you both like, don’t work against each other treating each other as the problem. Work together ON the problem
awwwwww, he wants a silent servant and he’s trying to push you in that direction with his “incompetence”. thanks, I hate him. you need to stand your ground, or get out of this relationship where you are not a respected equal. lock down your birth control. he knows exactly how to trap you into doing more than his share. I’m so grossed out for you. this kind of man is a plague. [free pdf of Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
Just say no. Tell him you’re not going to argue about it and walk away
Him guilt tripping you and feigning incompetence is emotional manipulation. Don’t fall for it. Once you reframe it as “this man is attempting to manipulate free labor out of me”, it becomes easier to react with disgust to that behavior. It’s truly pathetic and childlike and you aren’t his mommy. That’s where this road ends, if you start giving in and giving in and giving in. He doesn’t cook on his nights? Don’t cook for him, get your own dinner. He makes plans without telling you? React the way you would if someone else tried to plan your day. He says you aren’t supportive? Being a supportive partner means leaning on each other. It doesn’t mean he is the hero and you are his sidekick. He’s a grown adult, he doesn’t need you to babysit him for his Saturday morning activities. Do you want a partner, or a spoiled man child?
Beware this is a test. If you allow this to continue that lets him know he can break the agreements you make, inconvenience you and take your free time to serve him and his interests.
It will get worse.
He sounds lazy, selfish, and inconsiderate. You can stick around and teach him how to be a grown man, or you can exit stage left and find one whose mother paid attention.
You being snappy is your nervous system responding to a reasonable threat! Don’t underplay that to yourself.
You mention that these discussions become a fight…everyone’s dynamic is different but one way to avoid a fight is simply by telling your husband what’s going to happen – you aren’t going to cook/get up/host – and then ending the conversation. Avoid giving him the space to call you controlling. If he does, shrug and say you don’t accept that language and you won’t continue the conversation while he’s insulting you or giving attitude.
I think some changing of plans is normal, like we’ll have specific plans that one of us is going to make x thing for dinner, but one of us isn’t feeling it or the person is too tired. But then that person makes something else, or the other one volunteers, or we eat pb&j or something, and that’s fine.
But the problem I’m seeing in your post is that when your husband doesn’t feel up to cooking, or wants to change the plans, he immediately makes it _your_ problem. It’s not “I’m too tired to make lasagna are you okay with Mac & cheese”, it’s “now dinner is _your_ problem”. Same with forcing you (by sulking, guilt-tripping, etc) to do things you don’t want to do, and you giving up your rest time and quiet time. If it was just about him really wanting to do y, he’d either schedule it at a time that works for both of you, or he’d just do it by himself.
I don’t think your situation is irredeemable, provided your husband is willing to work at it. But I also don’t think this current situation is fair on you, and it’s okay to reach a point where you’ve had enough.
As for setting boundaries… have your talk about meals, weekend mornings, etc, again, but lay out the consequences you’re going to enact. For dinner, for example: if he’s having so much trouble with sticking to a basic schedule, then ask how he wants to change it up so it’s fair to both of you and works better for him. If he can’t come up with a suggestion that’s fair, or says he doesn’t want any changes, then maybe the first time he ditches dinner you eat separately until he makes you both dinner again. For getting up early or social plans, agree on an amount of time of notice that you need, and if he doesn’t give you that notice then you won’t get up, or will get up but won’t help, or won’t go to the party, or whatever.
And when he tries sulking at you, or guilt-tripping you, you’re going to have to discuss that as well. If he’s willing to acknowledge in a calm conversation that his behaviour isn’t acceptable or fair, then maybe you guys can agree on a way for you to say “you’re doing the thing again” where he’s supposed to stop and realise that yeah, he’s doing the thing, and needs to cut it out. If he’s not willing to agree that his behaviour is poor, or it doesn’t stop him DARVOing you, then I guess you have some things to think about… like, do you really want to parent an adult who can’t admit they’re behaving badly, and calls you controlling while acting controlling themselves?
You just need to uphold your boundaries and give him consequences for trying to change what you’ve agreed on. I would have a sit-down conversation with him and let him know that you’ve noticed that he’s trying to change the set up that you guys both agreed upon and that it is not fair and you won’t be doing it.
If he “forgets” to cook, you just make yourself food and not him. If he invites you to things without asking, just don’t go. Tell him you have plans or you don’t want to go or whatever, and he needs to check with you before committing to things. The one thing I don’t think you should always push back on is him having friends over. As long as it’s not a big event or something that requires anything from you, he should be able to have a few friends over without running it past you every time, unless it happens all the time. If you’re not in the mood to be social, just hang out in your room or do your own things when they come over.
Start documenting in a calendar or text chain every time he goes against your agreement structure.
When he tells you the last minute invite for his friends, text back a confirmation that he invited them last minute and that he is free to entertain them on his own, including clean up or that if he wakes you up, including adding the event to the calendar.
When he wakes you up on the weekend, grab your phone and text back no thank and note the calendar block that shows sleeping in to X am.
The list could go on and on.
Blast him with physical data and comms. Over a span of time, ask him if is looking wants to remain married because his actions are counter to a healthy relationship with the gaslighting and passive-aggressive behavior.
You should get a therapist and discuss if you will accept the entrenchment of his behavior if he doesn’t change and if he does, how will communications and actions continue and what will result if he regresses.
Ironic that he calls you controlling for not immediately obeying his whims without question.
You say no. He’s pushing the boundary because there’s no reason for him to respect them because you still just do whatever he wants.
DoorDash for one. “Yikes, I forgot too!”
Hi, I’m married too 🙂 just to add I agree with everyone who says take action rather than words, i.e don’t pick up the slack. I’ve been married 11 years and my partner is incredible now, but when he was your husbands age he was a pain in the ass. Often he would forget presents for his own family and I would step in and sort it out. Then one day, I just stopped. I stopped doing it. He learned really fast he had to take responsibility himself! I believe this is called Fuck Around Find Out and honestly I love it.
I don’t like to stereotype but I do think men pay more attention to actions over words.
I’m pushing 60, and I’ve learned to draw a hard line, a firm boundary: I do nothing I’ve been voluntold for.
Sounds like he’s being disrespectful and controlling.
Do you have a shared calendar? It seems so odd, but some men respond better to “it’s not on the calendar” than “you didn’t tell me”.
FWIW you’re not doing anything wrong. Notice that this “forgetfulness” is only ever in his favor. He never forgets that you’re cooking that night and prepares dinner before you get home, right?
You have already set boundaries and he is barreling right past them. You could try therapy, but he would have to be willing to make changes and it doesn’t sound like he is. You can only control yourself. Start holding him accountable and stop letting him manipulate you. Then decide if you want to stay in this relationship.
You let him cry like the man-child he is….
When he say you need to get up early – you say no!
When he last minute invites friends over you leave (but not before letting the guest know you are sorry you won’t be there but husband didn’t let me know ahead of time and I have other plans)
When he doesn’t cook you cook for yourself – DO NOT on those nights cook for him….and honestly I would only shop and cook for myself until further notice!
Always remember that No is a complete sentence and you are his wife and partner NOT HIS MOMMY!!!
The difficult thing about boundaries that I feel like took me a really long time to learn is that the boundaries aren’t for the other person’s behavior… they’re for YOUR behavior.
The fact of the matter is that you can’t change how your husband reacts – you can only control your own actions. So he may act wounded, he may try to guilt you, he may throw out these ugly names… that’s a reflection of his own insides, not yours.
I think what I would try to get to the bottom of is, “why are you violating the boundaries we established early on, without the courtesy of even acknowledging the changes or discussion with me, your partner?” Perhaps it’s time to re-discuss these boundaries and make some changes, but that should be done together, not one partner trying to force the other’s hand.
But, in the end, the only thing to do is to stick to your boundaries and deflect the reactions your husband has. Use “I” statements when he tries to guilt you –
“I thought we had an agreement to dedicate weekends to sleeping in. I’d like to adhere to that.”
If he forgets to cook, I’d honestly just make food for myself, or simply decline. “I thought we were alternating cooking duties, so I’m not available to cook tonight” or, “Did you have a meal plan for tonight, or should I plan to make something for myself?”
When it comes to social plans – if he commits to something without your approval or knowing… then I’d treat it as something HE committed to, and feel free to not attend. People at your house is harder to avoid… but I’d be pretty strict with that one – it’s COMMON COURTESY, even as just roommates, that you give a heads up before inviting someone into a shared home.
He knows what he’s doing. Do not doubt that for a second.
He thinks he can tire you out and that one day you’ll just give up fighting and do what he says.
You can’t fix him, he has to fix himself and I really doubt he wants to do that.
You have 2 choices: take it or leave it.
You have to be deliberate in not rewarding his behaviour with your compliance nor with your attention e.g. arguing about it, or debating about it. You just say OK to him changing _his_ plans, and no thanks, if he asks you to do something. Do not justify, argue your point, defend, explain (JADE).
Then engage in non-compliance e.g. don’t pick up any of his slack e.g. if he doesn’t cook, make a ready meal for one or go out by yourself, if he hasn’t asked you, don’t do hosting duties (do whatever you would have if they weren’t invited e.g. wear your pj’s and watch TV – they can go to another room) or attend events (leave him to go stag), don’t “wake up” for early weekend mornings (if men can pretend they’re sleeping through their baby crying, you can pretend not to hear him)
Further, for every night he doesn’t cook, you “forget” to cook one; for every unagreed event, you declare one (whatever you want) etc and you treat him the exact same way he has been treating you
Don’t have kids with this man, it will only get infinity times worse.
Nothing like weaponized incompetence. He is doing this on purpose and you are allowing it . If he “forgets “ to cook , let him do it the following day . Let him pout all he wants
OP – this is more than it appears. Ideally, you talk it over with a counselor – first solo then couples if it makes sense.
This isn’t about him waking you on Saturday morning. It’s about him not showing you respect and attempting to control you. Sure, tell him to f-off when he busts past a boundary, but he’ll just find a new boundary to break and new ways to try to control you.
Right now he’s trying to wear you down hoping you’ll give in. That he doesn’t take “no” for an answer should alarm you. Stakes will only grow. I advise you not to get pregnant with this man until this is sorted out.
Sounds like you guys have already set boundaries. Now it’s your job for there to be consequences for when he breaks them, or else he has no reason to stop.
You guys need marriage counseling. He’s manipulating you, he knows it, knows you don’t like it, but keeps doing it anyway. His pouting is childish, he needs to grow up. Good luck
I’d sit down and write out the agreements you discussed when moving in/getting married. Clear bullet points for each issue.
Then sit down with him again, go through each point, and explain how he’s been behaving when going against each one. For eg…..
*When we discussed being able to sleep in on weekends and it being our own time to relax and do what we want, you agreed. However for a while now you suddenly decide to plan something in the morning and then wake me up and tell me I have to help you. However you gave me no warning night before, you didn’t discuss it with me when you made these plans, and didn’t ask if I’d be ok with them, and so when you try waking me up early demanding me to get up to help you, such as making lunch and tidying the house because you invited friends or family over, you don’t get to be annoyed at me for not wanting to get up and suddenly be expected to help prepare lunch and tidy up the house at last minute. It’s not fair to guilt trip me by saying I’m selfish and not supporting you.
In future, if you decide you want to invite friends or family over for brunch or lunch, then ask me first. Before you agree to it with them. Ask me if it’s ok to have them over and what time would be ok, so I can still have a lie in, but il be willing and able to get up and help you when it’s planned in advance. Otherwise you’re disrupting my weekend and the only time I get to have a lay in and recover from a busy work week, and get to just enjoy resting in bed or watching TV etc. I’m not being unreasonable or selfish or unsupportive just because I don’t want to suddenly be woken and expected to cook and clean quickly without notice. If you make the arrangements without consulting me ahead of time, then don’t be annoyed when I don’t get up and help prepare. You’ll have to do it yourself.
* We agreed to take it in turns to cook dinner each night. However when it’s your turn you conveniently ‘forget’ it’s your turn. But it’s not hard to forget when it’s every other day. If you didn’t cook yesterday, it’s your turn today!!. And using the excuse that I’m a better cook so I might as well cook is disrespectful and weaponised incompetence. If it helps we can make a plan for what meals we’ll have each day of the week so you know what meal you’re going to cook on your days, so you don’t have to think or decide what to cook. But you need to cook on your days, because pretending to cook and saying I’m a better cook is just excuses. I could easily say you should cook every day then in order to practise more and become a better cook!! But you wouldn’t appreciate that would you? And I don’t appreciate being made to cook when it’s meant to be your turn.
In future, if you don’t cook on your days, then we will stop taking it in turns and I will simply cook for myself and you can figure your own dinner out, coz I’m fed up of being taken advantage of and manipulated.
So go through all the agreements he’s backing out of and explain how he’s being unfair, disrespectful, manipulative etc depending on the situation, and explain how it makes you feel, and what will happen going forward. For eg- if he doesn’t ask if he can have people over earlier morning and expects you to get up earlier than your agreed ‘lay in me time’, then he has to deal with it all by himself. You will stay in bed regardless and he can sort out cleaning up and cooking in a hurry.
And if he doesn’t cook dinner, you’ll just make yourself something to eat and he can sort himself out.
He needs consequences to his behaviour and how he’s treating you. So far you’ve tried telling him and he agrees for a week and then keeps doing it all the time again. So he needs actual consequences so he doesn’t enjoy the consequences and realises the agreement he made is a better option, as well as realising he should give you the respect you deserve, because he doesn’t like the way he feels from those consequences.
So do that for each issue, sit down and discuss it again and how his behaviour makes you feel, and state clearly what will happen going forward if he behaves that way towards you and goes against those agreements again, and make him aware of the clear consequences that will happen, and then stick to them. You have to follow through with the consequences coz if you threaten them and then don’t follow through, he’ll know he can just guilt you into giving in.
OP, after reading through the post and your comments, you have to stop treating him like a toddler. He is continuing, and will continue, to push and push these boundaries until you actually stand up for yourself. His pouting and whining should not get him what he wants. This is quite literally toddler behavior from him and permissive parenting from you. If you give in every time he throws his little temper tantrums (and yes, the pouting, sulking, etc counts as a temper tantrum) what reason does he have to stop then? And don’t say because it makes you unhappy, because he *already knows this* and *he doesn’t care how it makes you feel*. If he did, he would change his behavior, *but he doesn’t*. How on Earth you are even able to share a bed with this man is beyond me. Willful and weaponized incompetence is so gross, unattractive and honestly abusive. He knows exactly what he is doing here. He isn’t stupid.
Let me ask you some questions:
-Is he this forgetful at his job? Does he struggle to remember to notify his boss of any changes or to remember to get projects done or turned in on time? Does he routinely expect his coworkers to pick up his slack the way he expects you to? If not, why do you think that is?
-If you ever “forget” that it’s your night to cook, does he volunteer to take over? Will he jump in to make dinner for the both of you and do so without acting like he is Hercules completing the twelve labors the way he expects you to? If not, why do you think that is?
-If you make spontaneous plans and ask him to help you execute them early in the morning during the weekend without any real notice, would he get up to help you without complaint or an expectation of tit-for-tat in the future for it? Does he go along happily with whatever you and your friends have planned without his knowledge/consent/approval, like how he expects you to? And if not, why do you think that is?
You need to start enforcing boundaries.
Don’t get up to help him unless he checked you were okay to do it at least the night before (why can’t he sort stuff the night before?)
If it’s his night to cook and he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t eat, that’s just plain obvious weaponised incompetence on his part (ask him to google it)
If his friends are over, what are you volunteered for? Don’t do it. Tell him you have plans. Or you’re not feeling it. Or act like a guest seeing as he never asked you to host in the first place.
Seems to me you need Sheldon Cooper to draft up a couples agreement and both couples sign it. 😁
Here’s what you do, when he “forgets” to make dinner you just make your own. When he invites people over you go and see your friends/family or do an activity you enjoy
He has gone back on his word and will continue to try to push you into doing what HE wants, despite your earlier agreement. tell him if he doesn’t back off, he will be planning activities to do solo because you will be gone.
A lot of helpful comments here. I am just here to say: boundaries are not something that you hope/ request/ plead/ demand others do. Boundaries are YOUR limits and behavior.
Ex: “please cook for me on alternating days” is not a boundary, because it does not dictate what you will do. That is a request.
“If I have to cook on my off day, then I will only make a meal for myself” is a boundary- state it beforehand, not in the moment. It dictates what you will do. It will definitely make your husband upset, cus his selfishness isn’t going his way. You get to decide if him not cooking on his cook-days is something you will put up with.
How you behave when someone voluntolds you is your boundary. What you do when they invite people over is your boundary. He can invite people over without asking you (tho it is inconsiderate), how you behave is your boundary (you can stay in your room, or leave the house and make other plans, or just do whatever you were gonna at home and jist do a polite “hey nice to see you, ok I’m doing my stuff now bye” pass-by.
You set firm boundaries by stating what you will do, and then actually doing them.
Edit: an unrelated example is, I often see people say “I don’t want you [my partner] to see your ex/ person I am threatened by/ etc, that is my boundary”. That is not a boundary. That is an order (or at best, a request). A boundary is “I don’t date people that talk to their exes. If they tall to their exes, I can’t be with them, so we will break up” AND THEN BREAKING UP.
This is weaponized incompetence. My husband started this and I called it out to his face. He HATES the words now. But guess what, he empties the dishwasher and makes dinner now. So call it what it is to his face.
>we agreed to alternate cooking, but he will “forget” on his nights and then say I am better at it so it makes sense for me to handle it.
“Oh, sweetie, the only reason I’ve gotten better is because I’ve been getting more practice. But we can absolutely tie that back up by you taking the majority of the meals now instead of me!”
>We agreed that weekend mornings were ours to sleep in, but now he schedules stuff and tells me last minute that he needs me up early to help. If I say no, he acts wounded and says I do not support him.
“We agreed the weekend mornings are ours to sleep in. I’m holding up my end, I need you to support me by holding up yours.”
>The biggest thing is social stuff. He will invite people over or commit us to events without checking. When I say I need a heads up, he says I am controlling and “don’t like his friends.” I actually like them. I just hate being volunteered.
“Oh, that’s so funny, I actually have plans I didn’t tell you about either. You guys have fun, I’ll see you tomorrow!” And when he’s flabbergasted that you’re not only not going to be throwing the cookout or whatever he’ll try to take credit for for him, but you won’t even be there AND he doesn’t know where you’re going, then you say “yeah, you’re right, our old policy of talking to each other BEFORE making commitments like this WAS much better. Let’s definitely go back to that.”
And don’t you dare lift a finger to clean up, either. Before or after. If he can unilaterally invite people over on his own, then he can unilaterally prep, host, and clean up, too.
The other thing I would do is to give what he’s doing a clear name/label, and then use that name/label every time he does this. Make sure that these incidents aren’t being counted as one-offs that “aren’t the same thing,” but rather acknowledged as the pattern they are. Then reiterate that you *pointing out* his pattern of behavior doesn’t make him a victim or you the bad guy, it’s his pattern of behavior that’s the problem.
He literally has a calendar in his pockets. I presume he knows how to use his phone. He is not ‘forgetting’ it’s his turn to cook.
” These – list them – are the terms we agreed to at the start of this relationship. I feel that you are trying to change those terms without being transparent about it by doing behavior A, B, and C. I do not want those terms to change. If you disagree with anything we agreed to, we need to talk about it. Do not just start making unilateral changes expecting me to be okay with them.”
Followed by: If this continues, we will need to rethink our relationship.
You could also turn it around on him and say things like I wonder why you feel it’s okay to change our agreements? I find it interesting that you change our agreements then paint me the villain. Are you this manipulative with other people in your life? That and just get some key phrases and responses that you use, but essentially one way to shut it down is “No is a complete sentence. Anything after that is manipulation. Especially when we already have these agreements in place.”
You can’t make someone respect your boundaries if they don’t want to. To me it sounds like you’re being more than clear, he just doesn’t respect you.
Every time, tell him that guilting you is controlling behavior, so stop projecting yesterday.
Get a therapist for regular reality checks, though, because if he doesn’t stop, you’re either ending the marriage or accepting his behavior.
Quit enabling him by going along to get along. Let him pout.
My petty ass would feign worry, in line with “are you okay? I’m actually really worried about your memory and forgetting things that have been a staple in our home for years. This is concerning me, this could be the beginning of some neurological issues. I think we should schedule you in for some testing”.
My partner started slipping and spending a good 20 minutes in the bathroom in the morning. Told him I was worried, booked him a doctors appointment and poof, issue has never happened again.
Your main problem is that your partner no longer respects you.
In your shoes, I’d be looking to talk to a divorce lawyer. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t care about my happiness.
If you still want to give him a chance, then you’ll need to train him like a toddler and stop letting him walk all over you.
When it comes to things like the cooking, where he feigns helplessness? Makes it seem like he couldn’t possibly do the thing because you’re SO much better at it?
Push back. Every time. Don’t let him get away with it.
Anytime he doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain? Cut through his bullshit and find a way to make it HIS problem.
If you’re “better at cooking”, then that just means he needs more practice.
Let him know that he’ll need to cook EVERY night until he feels that his skills have improved to the point that he can go back to 50/50.
If he refuses to cook at all, then only cook for yourself until he’s willing to come to the table and stop acting like a child.
When it comes to him voluntelling you to do things? Say no. Every. Time.
If he commits you to an event without your permission? Don’t go. Ever. Even if it’s important. Even if you kinda want to go. Make it clear that the only way you’ll consider going is if he asks you first.
If he invites people over? Fine. He can do that. It’s his house too. But the lack of consultation means that they’re only HIS guests and he can handle them by himself. Give them a polite hello if you see them in the house, and then go about your day as normal. Cook your own food. Read a book in the garden. Go shopping. Whatever you were going to do before they showed up.
If his guests ask why you’re not involved in whatever they’re doing, be honest and upfront with them. Your husband’s been disrespecting you lately, and one of the ways he does it is to invite people over without running it past you first. You don’t have anything against them, but if you weren’t involved in the decision to host someone – you’re no longer going to host them. It’s all on him at that point.
You need to push back on his lack of respect for you. Hard.
And if you don’t see significant changes?
Then talk to a divorce lawyer and start getting the ball rolling. A relationship can’t survive one partner having contempt for the other.