So i (25M) never really had much success when it comes to dating but recently things have changed in a way i’d never have expected. I’ve always been super self conscious about my looks so I’ve never approached women often when going out. I’d say i’m pretty average in terms of looks, over 6 feet tall and fit(i workout 3/week).
So basically i started using hinge last year in january and never had much success due to my lack of good photos and my inability to keep/start good conversations going with matches. I’ve been on and off hinge so maybe i used it for a good 4 months (random months at a time with large breaks in between) last year with premium and got over 30 matches that all went nowhere due to my overthinking nature.
But then everything changed the start of this year… I got some good photos of myself during december thanks to my friends and thought i’d reinstall hinge. I went in this time with a completely different mindset, if it’s meant to happen it’ll happen so just be myself. And to my surprise that’s worked! I’ve started getting a few likes and matches. Conversations flow super well and have even gotten 4 girls off of hinge and gotten their numbers and igs.
So here’s the problem, I’ve been texting 4 different women all day long and have had first dates with 2 and 2 more dates coming up with the other 2. Both have requested second dates. It’s literally so much work that i’ve been slacking at work, been sleeping at 3-5am some nights because of how well each conversation is going, after texting with one another responds then i respond to next and so one. It’s getting overwhelming because i like each of these women and don’t want to play with any of their feelings. This is something i’ve never experienced in my whole life and don’t know what to do. I’m grateful for the attention but my goal is to get into a long term relationship. I’m not a player, never have been and i don’t want to become one.
Any advice on what i should do would be amazing, i’m such an over thinker because I like each of these girls for different reasons. I hope i don’t come off as a poc, but this sort of just happened out of no where and is so new to me.
12 comments
Pretty much the same here so following to see what folks have to say
Sounds like you’re letting each of these go from 0-100 as fast as you let them. But why not breathe and space out a little? Have a date or two a week and don’t see the same person for another couple weeks. Gives you time to emotionally process and probably figure out which one you actually want to see more. I think you’re caught up in the momentum when you should be paying attention to the quality of the connections.
Sounds like a lot of work.. I have no advice tbh, maybe u will have to choose one and focus her? But then.. have you thought maybe you will feel bored after not having other 3 ppl to give attention to and get attention from? Sounds tricky
Pick the one you like the most and focus on her. If you can’t pick one just try to reduce the number using your gut feeling
Just date a max of 2 women at once. Trying to date 4+ women at once sounds like a nightmare.
And here i thought dating/chatting two women in one week is too much (:
Honestly me too rn. Its a lot!!
It sounds like your problem is texting too much. I understand having great conversations, but next time your regular bedtime rolls around (say 10:00 p.m. or whatever), just say, “Gotta work tomorrow. Going to bed now. It was great talking with you!” and end it there. And let them know that if they text you while you’re at work, you won’t respond until after you’re done for the day.
Any decent person would respect your boundaries and just leave you alone during those times, and/or not get upset if it takes you a few hours to get back to them.
You have to remember that those 4 women are probably talking to multiple guys as well. You’re not exclusive until you define the relationship.
You don’t need to do crazy long texts or text chains. Set up a date, lock in the time and place, and that’s it. If you’re efficient, you can get 4 dates in a week. Friday night, Saturday brunch and dinner, Sunday brunch. You should know at least by the third date if you have any romantic interest in the woman for further LTR. If not, then it’s ‘let’s just be friends.’ Remember, she may downgrade you to friend after the 2nd or 3rd date too.
I think you should stop talking to all of them because you’re already in too deep and are already playing with their feelings. You can’t possibly see if there is a genuine romantic connection with someone if your attention is focused on other places, you’ll be searching for flaws in all of them. This is why dating apps are the worst.
As a woman who tends to go 0-100, I give it 3 dates before I narrow down the pool. I’ve had countless experiences where things start out hot and drop off very quickly. Personally, I find it hard to spread my energy between multiple people after 3 dates. I rather just go all in on one person. I know this isn’t what a lot of people would recommend but there’s a reality that the grass grows where you water it.
Regarding the intensity and how it’s affecting other parts of your life, it sounds like you might need to set some boundaries with yourself. I’m not saying this with any judgement because I’ve been caught in this so many times myself: it sounds like you’re promoting these women to the CEO role in your life when they should still be interning. Self-abandoning this early on in the dating dynamic will backfire in the long term, because it’s not sustainable.
It’s literally taken me years to understand this – emotional intensity is no indicator of emotional capacity. If you’re feeling like they’re love bombing you / talking about the future so early on, it’s probably something you want to pay attention to. I used to let guys do this to me all the time and then I’d feel so confused down the road when they inevitably pulled back with no real explanation. My biggest lesson is that it’s up to me to set the pace that works for me, and to stay connected with myself while exploring a connection with another person.
Hope that helps 🙂
I (29F) find Hinge to be boom or bust. I always have at least 3 active chats, and sometimes everyone is a penpal and other times everyone wants to meet up right away. It’s also January, and I think people are generally active as a New Years Resolution and generally slow social calendars in the second half of winter (ie more free time).
If you are entertaining multiple, I would pause your account to prevent new matches (you’ll also get a boost if nothing works out and you want to reenter the stack). Dates should be no more frequent than once a week for the first three dates. I do want to challenge you though to see if you like any of these women, the way you have worded it seems that you are seeing them all again bc they have requested it. Do you also want to move forward? As you get more dating experience, you’ll realize that a lot of people are nice and have a better time recognizing “a great first date and so far seemingly compatible” vs. “she was cute and nice enough and no red flags.”
I would figure your intentions right now and have that discussion with the women you are going on dates 2+ with (want to date around and meet people, looking for serious and dating more intentionally, etc). “Break up” with those who have drastically different near-term intentions than you – no one likes to have their time wasted. If you’re looking for an LTR, have real compatibility discussions (moving, religion, kids, politics) sooner rather than later if you have multiple options.
IF YOU ARE MONOGOMOUS: While technically anything can go if you are not exclusive, I would really caution against getting physical beyond a PG-kiss with multiple women. If you like them, it can definitely backfire if you move forward and they find out you are intimately entertaining others. While you technically didn’t do anything wrong, anyone I know whose moved forward in that situation has had a lasting insecurity around it in their relationship. I’ve also seen people lose the opportunity to keep getting to know the people they’re dating if they find out they have current sexual partners. If I’m multi-dating I try to make a decision by the end of date 3 if there is potential or not. I really do think people can smell it if you’re multi-dating and I kind of think it’s icky to multi-date as you’re getting more physical.