I have been dating my current partner for just over a year. We are highly compatible in many ways, have similar interests and many shared values. There are also some traits that we both have that compliment the other as they make up for weaknesses each of us has (there are not a lot of these thankfully). We both have been married before and desire a long term partnership. I truly feel that I could be very happy with this man long term, however there is one big flaw that was making me question this. He seems to have rejection sensitivity. He does not handle it well if I try and bring up something about him or the relationship I have an issue with, or if there is a need of mine not being met. The majority of the problem seems to be whenever he feels like he’s been criticized more than anything else. It doesn’t matter how delicately I bring said issue up and/or how clear I make it that I am honestly trying to understand because I want the issue to be resolved. No matter what, he shuts down, deflects and denies he has done anything wrong. He will say anything to get me to stop talking including doing a complete 180 from just minutes before the conversation started and suddenly telling me he doesn’t think this relationship is working out and that he feels we should break up. His default is usually to spin the convo immediately back towards me, pointing out some bs he makes up on the spot to prove his subsequent point that “this isn’t going to work and i think I want to break up”.
When I’ve talked to him about this behavior and he has told me he doesn’t really mean those things sometimes and knows that he had an issue responding to criticism (or perceived criticism) regardless of the intent. I’ve made it clear that I love him dearly but he really needs to see a therapist about this or else it will affect all his relationships in the future (if we don’t work out) and especially this one. I made it clear that I feel this behavior is the root cause of the majority of fights we get into and that our relationship would seem much “easier” to him if he would address it. As long as he is getting what he wants, things are going his way, I am a happy bubbly person around him, then things are great and we have no issues at all (surprise, surprise).
We talked about this issue most recently a few days ago during a convo where we contemplated breaking up because he felt the relationship was too “difficult”. We don’t fight a lot but I told him that I felt the majority of the time we have the same fights because problems I have, or he had, never really get resolved bc he refuses to acknowledge them and take accountability to try and find a solution. He would rather say sorry and then pretend like it never happened or straight up just tell me I’m wrong about whatever I express and then say he doesn’t need to do anything because I’m wrong. Then he will just go on with life like normal and seems genuinely confused as to why I’m still upset a few days later over it and not just letting it go. During this last conversation we decided to stay together and I asked him if he was going to do therapy to address that (he did acknowledge that he knows he has an issue with this) and he said “no, I don’t need therapy, I’ll just stop doing it”.
I was honestly completely thrown off and perplexed by his response bc he genuinely seemed to be convinced he would be able to just stop acting that way all on his own. Like flipping a light switch. His confidence in his ability to do this on his own, and the way he spoke about it (so straightforwardly) made me immediately wonder if he was doing this on purpose the entire relationship instead of it being something he didn’t have control over. I told him okay, I appreciate it and sat there kind of quiet for a few seconds just starring at him in disbelief. I’m happy to hear he will fix this behavior but on the other hand I’m confused as to why if it’s so easy to “stop doing” that he didn’t do it before?
Is there something I’m missing here? My intuition is screaming at me but I want to make sure it’s not just a trauma response.