I’ve been dating this guy (26M) for about 4 months. We don’t see each other very often, usually once a week, sometimes less. When we do meet, it’s usually for dinner, a walk, or a drive.
For context, his father passed away about a year ago. I’ve tried to be understanding and patient with him because of this, especially around family-related situations and holidays.
Aside from that, he can be caring and affectionate. He tells me he loves me and talks about wanting to live together or get married one day (in the future), which is part of why I’m conflicted.
That said, these are the issues I’m struggling with:
- He never initiates plans. I always plan everything. If I ask what he wants to do, he says “I don’t know, what do you want?” Even choosing a place to eat is always on me.
- He never asks to see me. For the past few months, I’ve been the one reaching out every time, which makes the relationship feel one-sided.
- When he gets upset, he ghosts me for 1–2 days, even over minor disagreements. I’m always the one who reaches out to clarify whether we’re broken up or not.
- He avoids serious conversations. When I bring up things that bother me, he laughs them off or turns them into jokes. If I push for a serious discussion, he often withdraws again and begins the ghosting or if its over text he will answer 3 words and that's it.
- He won’t introduce me to his family. We’ve been talking for about a year and officially dating for 4 months. When we were just friends, he had no problem inviting me over even if his mom was home. Now that we’re dating, he says there are “too many people” and that maybe I can come when it’s just his mom even though it’s only his mom and two siblings. Both siblings regularly have their partners over, and his younger sibling has been dating their girlfriend for about the same amount of time as us and she has even stayed over.
- His words don’t match his actions. Before we were dating, he was confident, affectionate, and talked about giving me gifts. Since we’ve been together, he didn’t get me anything for my birthday or Christmas.
There is also one incident that really bothered me:
The last time we had sex, he put it in without a condom without my consent. He knew I wasn’t on birth control at the time. I’ve had unprotected sex before when I was on the pill, but this situation was different and he was fully aware of that. He nearly came inside me, which caused me a lot of stress afterward.
When I told him I was worried, he said I should just take a pregnancy test. I also told him that if I became pregnant, I wasn’t sure I could go through with an abortion, and he responded by saying I would “ruin his life” if I didn’t, even though he was the one who initiated unprotected sex.
I’m having trouble understanding how to reconcile what he says about loving me and wanting a future together with how he actually behaves.I think since we are together he has stepped back and let everything happen without making effort, so basically leaving it to me to take care of. Why do i have to chase him to talk to me, why do i have to plan everything, why isn't he behaving like the "man" he said he was.