TLDR: boyfriend asks me to leave when I am crying and only talk to him when I have stopped crying. He also accuses me of doing crying for sympathy.
My boyfriend (32M) and I (28F) have a generally happy relationship of 3 years. We get along well, travel a lot together, and share many good moments. But there are some recurring issues that are really bothering me, and I’m feeling confused.
First, the topic of marriage. At times he has said he wants to marry me, but other times he says he doesn’t want to marry at all and is still “figuring himself out.” I keep telling myself that he just needs time and will eventually be ready, but the mixed signals are hard.
Second, the way he responds when I share my emotions. Whenever I bring up something I’m struggling with, he responds in a very blunt, practical way that often hurts me. For example, a month ago I told him I was feeling very lonely and needed emotional support. He told me I should just marry someone immediately. I started crying, and instead of comforting me, he got angry that I was crying.
On Valentine’s Day, I sent him pizza and was hoping for something thoughtful in return. When nothing came, I casually said I wished he had sent something. He got angry, said he couldn’t do this relationship, and when I cried, he told me to go cry somewhere else and come back when I could speak properly.
Yesterday was venting about a situation where my landlord might not return my full deposit because part of it was paid in cash (yes, I know it was a mistake). Instead of reassuring me, my boyfriend told me it was a very stupid thing to do. I asked him if, sometimes, instead of logic, he could just say “it’ll be okay.” He apologized over text and called, but by that point I was emotionally overwhelmed and didn’t answer. I finally called him and said some time I just want him to be supportive. He responded by saying he’s not in a good place himself, that he can’t handle me “cribbing,” that he’s not the person I want him to be, and that I should find someone else. He also said I ruined his sleep and New Year. I broke down crying, and for the first time in my life, I think I had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, my hands were shaking, and I was sweating. When he noticed I wasn’t responding properly, he told me to go away. I got scared, cut the call, and reached out to a friend who helped me calm down. When I later told my boyfriend what happened, he said I was saying it for sympathy and stop spreading my issues to him. I couldn’t handle that and ended the call. It’s been 12 hours and he hasn’t contacted me.
Over time, I’ve become scared to express my emotions or even be playfully upset with him. Almost every time I do, it escalates into a big fight. He gets angry, stops talking to me for days, and tells me I should find someone else.
The confusing part is that in many ways, he is a good partner. He’s not misogynistic, shares household responsibilities, takes care of me, isn’t possessive, and supports me in practical ways. This is genuinely the best relationship I’ve had so far.
But I’m scared. I feel like I’m not allowed to be angry, emotional, or vulnerable with him. I’m starting to fear what marriage would look like if this is how conflict and emotions are handled.
Is this relationship worth saving, or am I ignoring serious red flags?