I (M/34) have been dating my girlfriend (F/26) for almost 5 years now and we are planning on getting engaged. We have a very good relationship and she is the love of my life who I want to spend my life together with and start a family. Through our 5 years of dating, we have not had many problems and would resolve issues we had through communication and by accepting one another.
However, there have been several recent very stressful situations as a result of her drinking and I have lost my patience. When my girlfriend drinks, it almost always snowballs to getting completely wasted. When she gets to this point, she is not her normal self and becomes a different person. When she is drunk she becomes obnoxious, rude, blunt, offensive, mean, immature, and overall insufferable. She can barely walk, talk, and passes out somewhere in the end.
During the first year and half of our relationship she wasn't like this, but as we started attending big events with friends such as wedding and family holiday parties, it really started to come out. Back then we talked about it and she admitted to having very bad social anxiety and the drinking was a result of trying to alleviate that feeling. I totally understood that and can understand how meeting new people is difficult, especially family. She worries she is being judged and that everyone hates her, which is never the case. I used to have horrible anxiety myself before I got medicated, and it's not fun to experience.
The problem is, it never got better. In fact, it got worse. It's like as she became more comfortable, the excessive drinking continued but would open up different emotions and personalities. The list of horrible things she has said is long, but to get an idea, she has called someone a "fat ass," claimed someone has had plastic surgery as they are too handsome, has tried to fight people misunderstanding a situation completely, ask someone randomly walking by if they were Zionist, tells people how much she hates men and they are horrible, etc. Ironically, for someone that was so worried about being judged by other, it has gotten so bad that nobody wants to be around her when she is drunk.
It has resulted in many ruined events and experiences. Each time I have brought up my concerns, but it's like she refused to acknowledge what she is doing is wrong and not acceptable. Claiming "well it doesn't happen around my friends." Which, I thought, could be part of it as she is comfortable around them… however, I went out with her and her friends recently, and she acts the same way. It got to a point where now I worry about her going out and interacting with strangers.
She is young and it is not uncommon for younger people to make mistakes while drinking. Throughout our relationship I had no issues with her going out to party and have fun with her friends, while I stayed home and relaxed. It worked because we understand one another and trust each other, but now I know what is happening when she gets drunk and I'm worried.
We recently had a big fight. I admittedly cracked from the stress, anxiety, and embarrassment and found myself screaming. I should have waited until the next day when she was sober to discuss it, but I lost my composure after years of having to experience her compounded drunken cataclysms.
She took it as me wanting to break up with her, which wasn't the case at all. I just want her to stop drinking to that point because it creates problems and is harming our relationship. Drunk her is not the woman I love. I literally found myself in tears weeping for the first time in god knows how long. A decade? I released all of my emotions trying to explain how her drinking hurts myself and others. We talked and I finally though she understood.
She didn't drinking for a week, but the other night she ended up getting drunk at home and acted the same way. It started with some wine, but it snowballed and next thing I know she is drunk. Since we were home alone, I wasn't as stressed, but the point is I worry about the future. Did she really take what I said seriously and to heart? A big concern I have is that her father was an alcoholic throughout her childhood and resulted in a lot of trauma and bad experiences. I worry that she may be showing alcoholic tendencies and I don't want her to go down that path but I don't know what next step to take after all of these instances and discussions we had afterwards.
tl;dr
I love my girlfriend and want to spend my life with her, but her drinking turns her into this monster that I can't stand anymore. She is going to end up hurting someone, herself, or me. I don't what to do if it doesn't get better.