This is a complicated situation and I’m not sure how to navigate this. Looking for advice from people who have maybe in similar situations or know people who have dealt with this.
I F24 and my bf M31 have been dating for 2 years this January. I have had a lot of health issues my whole life but this year it has been extremely severe. He has always wanted a family and I always felt like my health was off so I was unsure. But now that I finally have an official diagnosis I understand why I was unsure of pregnancy. It would be very dangerous for me so I have talked to him that I don’t want to have biological children and he said he is happy to adopt and that’s not an issue. He has also dealt with a lot of his own health issues so he is really understanding and compassionate about this. My experience with my health has almost mirrored his from his mid 20s even tho he has very different diagnoses.
The more I learn about my conditions (EDS, MCAS, POTS, Dysautonomia, ovarian issues, and many others) I understand that what I have are dynamic and chronic conditions. I know there are individuals who live with a lot of these same conditions are fine, but please keep in mind these are conditions that have spectrums and my experience has been very severe and painful for me ( I am not asking for any medical advice here please!!) I finally got a good doctor with knowledge in EDS and am starting medication and hope to have some relief and go back to my base line pain levels.
What I am worried about is that the stress of parenting and how demanding being a mom is, is that it will make me sick. I’ve accepted the fact my illnesses don’t define me, but they will define some seasons of my life, as it has this one. I can’t say if I want kids or not because I have no idea what my health will look like in a few years. I do know if I want kids I will need to be with someone who is well off so we can afford extra help like a house keeper since I can’t always clean or do daily household activities (I can get very fatigued and have severe wrist pain where I can’t hold things someday). My boyfriend is a very successful and smart man and I know he would be able to provide a comfortable life for us where we can afford my doctor bills and any help I could need. Even still, I am afraid being stressed will send me into debilitating flare ups that can last months.
I feel it’s unfair to him to stay with him knowing he wants a family and I’m not sure if that can be in my future. But if I can get my symptoms under control, then he would be the perfect person to have a family with (obviously I love him and want to be with him for many other reasons am just speaking logically for this post lol). I guess I am worried if we break up because that’s what seems right to do, when I’m older if I want a family it will be harder for me to find someone who can provide the level of support we’ll need for us to do this. And even then I’m afraid I’ll get really sick again and won’t be able to be a good mother.
We’ve talked about all of this very openly. He is unsure if we should break up because he wants to give me more time to figure out what I need. But he is older than me and is ready to get married and start a family soon. It doesn’t seem that is in my cards right now while I deal with my health. He doesn’t know if we should go separate ways so he can find someone ready for marriage and kids sooner even if he still wants to be with me. He said it would be different if he was 25 but he is turning 32 this year and wants to make sure he is planning his life accordingly. I understand all of this and I think that would be best for him too. We are both super logical people and I don’t take this as him leaving me in a time of need or anything like that. We are both looking at the facts and what we want out of life, partners, and marriage.
Thoughts? Advice? What would you do?