I (22F) have been with my bf(20M) for 4 years. Recently I’ve been seriously hurting him back to back. First, I blacked out and became touchy with his friend which led to us breaking up. During our breakup, I met up with a boy, hung out with him and kissed him nothing more even tho he doesn’t believe me. The problem here is that I lied about it to him. Like I mentioned before, we’ve been together for 4 years so this relationship started in high school. We were each other’s first everything and we took a lot of pride in being each others first and only. So when he asked me about the break I was ashamed that I broke what was “special” about us. I kissed the guy, i flirted with him, i liked his attention which are things i never did with any other guy other than my hs sweatheart. I lied to him bc i broke what was so “special” and “unique” about us when its a standard i held so high about us. I didn’t even like the guy I talked to during the breakup, he just gave me attention and it gave me temporary happiness during my breakup. I did communicate this with the guy early on. I had told him I just got out of a relationship and wasn’t looking to getting into a new one and that if hes ok with the flirting I was too bc I didnt want to lead him on. Once I got more clarity and started healing more from the breakup I stopped talking to the guy I met bc I realized I didn’t need the attention to be happy and my ex started talking to me again. I lied to him bc I still wanted him to think our relationship was special and didn’t want to risk him not getting back with me.
When we got back together, he went through my phone and found out I lied. It hurt him so much he even has a physical reaction which breaks my heart. I’ve always wanted to be a safe space for him, someone he can trust and recently I’ve been the opposite. I love him with all my heart and I take accountability for lying I feel horrible I shouldn’t have done it. I knew lying was bad but I thought the reward (him getting back with me) was greater than the risk (lying) . I love him so so much he’s absolutely perfect to me in all ways. I really want him to see me as a wife but I think he’s currently having second thoughts about me. I want to take care of him and love him forever as long as I live and even if theres an afterlife. I truly truly truly love him so much. I will admit I made mistakes and I don’t forsee something like this happening again. Before all this we had a beautiful “perfect” relationship. We were both loyal, communicative, understanding, and loving. I have faith it can go back to that but rn I broke his trust and I want to get it back, I want all of this to be left in the past . Ik its all a process but I’m just scared he’s going to break up with me. I truly love him , I’m human I was going through a tough time I fell into temptation. But i love him with everything in my being and I don’t think anything like this would ever happen to us again. I just don’t want our relationship to be cold, I want him to trust and love me like he did a year ago before all of this break up mess happened.
Sometimes I think he deserves better, another girl that won’t hurt him as much as I do. Another girl that can actually make him happy and not add to his sadness and hurt that life has caused him. Another girl that would never break his trust. Another girl that would make him feel secure and give him no worries. A girl that makes his face light up and make him smile from ear to ear by just looking at her. I want him to myself obviously but sometimes the thought that he could be happier with someone else creeps in my mind. I want him to be happy and it hurts that maybe I’m not the girl for him.
I just want to stop hurting him
Advice? Opinions? Similar stories?
TL; DR
I keep breaking my bfs trust and I’m scared he’s going to leave me. I’ve been making mistakes and I just want it to stop . My biggest dream is to live a happy long life with him and I’m worried I won’t get that dream . Please read the full story Its so complex