i don’t think the problem on dating apps is that people have “higher standards” or that everyone suddenly became better at spotting red flags. i think apps quietly rewired how people relate to uncertainty.
the existence of a one tap delete button matters more than we admit.
in real life, disengaging from someone has friction. you have to drift away, explain yourself, or at least sit with a bit of discomfort. on apps, ending an interaction is instant, silent, and consequence free. that changes how the brain evaluates risk.
when deleting someone costs nothing, the safest strategy becomes elimination at the first sign of ambiguity.
this is where the obsession with red flags comes in. red flags used to mean clear harmful behaviour. on apps, they’ve expanded to include awkward messages, slow replies, mismatched humor, or simply not being immediately compelling. uncertainty gets treated as danger.
the chat phase isn’t a space for discovery anymore. it’s a filtering mechanism. people aren’t asking “could this person be interesting if we met” but “is there any reason not to delete this right now”.
what’s ironic is that this feels like self protection, but it’s actually risk avoidance disguised as discernment. apps reward fast rejection, not patient curiosity.
and this isn’t about investing in fantasy or ignoring bad behaviour. “potential” here doesn’t mean projecting imaginary qualities onto someone. it means allowing traits like warmth, depth, humor, or chemistry to emerge through interaction. most of those qualities are invisible in a profile and fragile in early text exchanges.
dating apps compress time and context so aggressively that they push people to make permanent judgments based on incomplete information. the delete button turns provisional interactions into final verdicts.
over time, this trains users to equate emotional safety with control and constant optionality. the result isn’t better matching. it’s hyper vigilance, shallow engagement, and a culture where connection has to prove itself instantly or be erased.
dating apps don’t just reflect how people date. they actively shape what people think is rational, safe, and normal in dating.
and once you internalize that logic, it doesn’t stay on the app. it leaks into how you relate to people offline too.