Me [22M] and my girlfriend [22F] have been together for 2.5 years.
She gets disrespectful during arguments, but tells me it's my fault. I'm not sure if I should believe her or if she is gaslighting me.
First I'll give you an example of disrespect.
This August she wanted to sign up for a gym membership, and we went together to check out the gym, as she is a newbie and I have some experience. As we were approaching the front door, we asked each other who will talk to the cashier. She said she wanted to talk because she wants to train her social skills. When we went up to the reception, the clerk noticed us, but my girlfriend didn't immediately speak, so I jumped in and talked to the cashier. After the cashier told us to wait to get our tour, she angrily told me "why did you speak? I wanted to speak!". Ok, I shouldn't have jumped in! A few minutes later the instructor was giving us a tour. My gf had asked me to see if the gym had all the leg machines she needed. So when we got to the 1st floor, and I saw the machines, I immediately asked the instructor how much the membership is. My gf then told me "not now". And I ask her why.. And then she "scolded me" that "We do not talk about price stuff in this floor, we talk about this stuff on the ground floor" she said in a disrespectful and angry tone. After that we had a huge fight. I told her how disrespectful she was and she kept saying that I started all this by not listening to her and talking to the clerk instead of her, and how I shouldn't have insisted after she told me "not now" when I asked about the price. I think she didn't even realize that her tone was disrespectful.
This hasn't happened many times out in public (about 3 times), but it happens almost every week in private.
Our story:
However she says it's all justified, because I am not trying to make her happy by taking her on dates. And she is not completely wrong. She has been asking me to take her on more dates from our 8th month together. But due to our weekly fights (first about jealousy, and then about small things she slowly started snapping about), it was rare for me to be in a good mood for a date. Especially since I have a better time with her at home, when I am more relaxed and don't have to be alert. I also never went out in coffee shops etc when I was single, so it feels performative for me to plan dates to places that don't excite me. Especially when I barely have time to recover from fights.
To my defense, I have tried things: Going out on my own to scout cute bars (however the bars I found weren't her taste), going on some dates, going on some hiking trips… But lots of dates felt performative for her. Either because I wasn't enjoying it or because she didn't like the place. After a certain point she was saying how fed up she is with us not going out and if i suggested a new place and she didn't like it, she would get moody/angry. After a certain point I felt like everything I would do would end up in her telling me how bad it was. She wouldn't tell me at the time of the date but on our next fight. She kept reminding me that we should be going on more dates and now it has been 2 years since she first asked me.
During this time, she has started snapping and being disrespectful over small things, and the worst part is she cannot take accountability for it (examples incoming).
Example:
1 month ago we were talking on the phone and I was telling her something not important about some videos I made for a client. At the same time she was trying to find the videos to see how many views they got. As I was in the middle of my sentence, she interrupted me saying "Wow why did they get so many views?". I thought that she was literally asking me, so I told her that she interrupted me. Then she angrily told me "Ok go on!". I told her I didn't like this. She started telling me that I was not saying something important and I was finishing my sentence anyways, so it was ok to interrupt me. I disagreed and told her that I didn't like her ironic/angry tone when she said "Go on!" and that it's not nice to think that you are the one judging what is important or not. She started getting angrier and saying things like "I got assignments to do" in a mean and dismissive tone. Eventually we hang up angrily. Later she was ranting and saying things like "Dont you have anything else to do?" and "Who asked you" referring to me saying that she interrupted me.
She has also told me stuff like:
"Let's break up"
"I've never had a good time with you" (and later took it back)
"I'd be better off with someone else"
When I was jealous she told me that it's unattractive, but when she was jealous she ALSO told me that it's unattractive.
…most of these in situations where I was trying to communicate with her healthily.
Sometimes she takes accountability for her disrespectful tones, but only after 2-3 days of us being in bad terms and me using all my brain power to persuade her. But the next time we fight and we mention the past, she takes back all the times she admitted to being disrespectful. It feels like she has 2 personalities…
I have tried to help her to fix it and suggested better communication. But her reaction to examples of healthy communication (like Jimmy On Relationships's Videos) was: "Ew I don't wanna sound like Chat-GPT, talking like that has no soul; I'm human".
When she is not angry though, she is very supportive (even offering to help with chores at my parents house), very soft spoken, feminine and sweet.
I am ok if some things like these slip out of her mouth. We're human and make mistakes. But I'm only OK if she recognizes and apologizes immediately.
She says that it is my fault that that "bad side" of her gets out, because I don't try to take her out more. I understand that I might not be helping her, but I think it's too much to say that it is my fault she loses her temper. This raises the "philosophical"-sounding question:
To which extent can disrespect be tolerated? – She says she doesn't feel loved and respected by us rarely going on dates
I am willing to work through this but if she thinks that her ability to keep her temper is my responsibility, I don't know…
TL;DR:
My girlfriend loses her temper and gets disrespectful easily. She says it is my responsibility because I don't take her out on dates much.