I’ve had to edit and repost.
My name is Shelby, I’m 27 and I’ve been dating my boyfriend Jack (35m) for over a year. He’s the backdrop not the issue. My friend April (27f) is the source of the drama – in my eyes.
Jack is a retired army vet who basically just owns real estate and occasionally guides hunting excursions. He’s a part of club that does service to others by sitting with people on their deathbed. Sometimes he comes to the hospital where I am a nurse – that’s how we met. He’s financially independent and he had a good direction in life (new to me) so I felt like maybe he’s the kind of guy who can actually commit to a relationship. Up until this point I had a handful of 3 month relationships with guys who either said they wanted to date men also (do you girl) or guys that wouldn’t commit to more than casual sex. In walks a handsome guy who has interesting things to say – I’m excited.
He’s from a white picket fence family (compared to mine). His parents are together and they have a huge family that does lots of activities together. It’s what I always wanted. I have a huge family that was torn apart by alcoholism and child abuse. I raised my siblings and they are doing well. I want my home to be the home we gather at. I won’t force my kids to raise themselves, and I won’t have kids with someone who doesn’t share my values. Jack’s values and my values are aligned but different – he feels stronger about things than me or vice versa.
My childhood friend April (27f) – we’ve been friends since we were 6. She had the same childhood and we grew up in the same trailer park. I ultimately moved in with my grandmother but we were inseparable. It was a trauma bond. My high school experience was with sports and orchestra, hers was with the kids that spent all of their time hating on the organized activities I liked. She would regularly make fun of my instruments and criticize my interest in tennis.
We went to different colleges but moved to the same town at different times. I went to the college I dreamed of and she went to the one that was close to her loser boyfriend and they both dropped out. Her and Dustin have been together for like 10 years, they are star-crossed lovers. He regularly cheats on her and has never had a job. No one she knows respects their relationship – except me. I say I respect it because I just always gave her a place to come when she needs to get away from it. I don’t hold her accountable though.
Jack and I cannot move in together until I finish my current contract – at which point I transfer to the hospital there. He lives an hour away and this new house is the place we will be moving to after the contract ends in the summer. It’s a beautiful house on a big property we plan to grow into. My brother and sister live 20 minutes from him currently.
Until June, we have committed to each other by establishing a footprint in the other persons home. He has his stuff – I have mine. So that we don’t have to pack and unpack. I thought it would be a meaningful gesture to tell April that she has to find somewhere else to crash from here on out. I wanted Jack to feel like he didn’t have to share the space with her too – because I certainly felt like I was on eggshells when she came over and he wasn’t there. She crashed out and threatened to kill herself. It was a 6 hour ordeal. She will respect my wishes and not come over but when she doesn’t get her way – she lashes out.
From that discussion and for the next few weeks she slowly started to spread rumors about him and I based on that conversation alone. Really I just want her to be a regular friend (like the others we have), not the kind that only comes to hangout because she’s crashing out. She told our friend Matt that Jack physically abused me.
No one really believed it – but they were confused as to why she did that. The issue is that she went there. I’m a bit kinky and while I should probably be careful – I’m not being abused. I was booty bragging to my friend and she turned that back on me.
Jack got upset to himself about that – he didn’t say anything to her or me. He just was quiet for like 3 days. It really hurt my feelings to see him like that. He keeps to himself mostly, he likes people to be around and he likes to facilitate and entertain but he doesn’t interject himself into many situations so he feels a bit isolated.
Anyway
The issue: I don’t know that my other friends are as impacted by April (I want to put more issues but this is already too long). I just want to cut ties with her because she is the exact type of chaos I don’t want to invite into my life anymore. Im saying this now but I’ve always thought it: Her relationship is vile, her life is unstable, she can’t support herself and she can’t even go do laundry without someone going with her. She owes me money too. I don’t want to be seen as airing out her dirty laundry or turning people against her. I like my other friends.
Do I address MY issue specifically with my other friends so they know what I’m thinking? Or will that be an issue. Am I cold? So far we have been able to avoid her but we’ve been busy.
Anyone who has thoughts or had similar situations – your input is appreciated. I will clarify where I can.
TLDR: new relationship goes well and my childhood friend seems to be projecting her life issues onto me because she sees people moving on without her. How do I shut her out and keep my other friendships in tact or avoid being the object of drama?