TL;DR:
I (30F) have been in an on-and-off situationship for over 3 years with a 42M who is a chronic liar and serial cheater. He maintained a 10-year relationship with his ex while seeing me, lied about trips taken with her, cheated within a week of us becoming official, repeatedly re-entered my life after no-contact periods, slept with multiple women, lied about a fuck buddy, and I recently discovered he was using Grindr immediately after I left from visiting his family. I know this relationship is toxic and damaging, but I feel emotionally numb, trauma-bonded, and stuck despite knowing I need to leave. Looking for advice on how to finally break free and stop normalizing this behavior.
I’m looking for perspective because logically I know this needs to end, but emotionally I feel stuck in a comfort zone I’ve been in for too long.
I (30F, Asian) have been seeing B (42M, white) on and off for over 3 years. He is deeply toxic, a serial cheater, and a chronic liar — yet I keep finding myself minimizing or overlooking the damage he’s done to me mentally.
We started seeing each other in September 2023, shortly after I ended a 4+ year relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything serious at the time. We traveled together and spent a lot of time together, but we were never officially committed. During that period, I went on other dates. He claimed he wasn’t seeing anyone else — which I now believe was a lie from the very beginning.
Over a year ago, I discovered he had been in contact with his on-and-off ex-girlfriend of 10 years the entire time. On top of that, he was actively dating, sleeping with multiple women, and still using dating apps — all while telling me he wasn’t seeing anyone.
Some of the lies were extreme:
• He told me he was going on a trip to Mexico with his family. I later found out he went with his ex-girlfriend.
• He said he was meeting family in Las Vegas for the holidays. Again, he went with his ex-girlfriend — and her family.
• When confronted, he said “she’s family” and that her family treats him well.
He admitted they stayed in the same hotel room but claimed separate beds and insisted they weren’t together. It felt very clear to me that he was still in a relationship with her — and I was essentially the third person, a side piece.
After I found out about these trips, he talked with his ex-girlfriend again. I tried to cut him off completely and didn’t speak to him for months. However, he persisted in contacting me, and I usually caved.
Fast forward to November 2024: he started therapy and told me he had officially and completely ended things with his ex-girlfriend. Based on that, we agreed to finally try being in a committed relationship — which is what I had wanted after seeing each other for years.
Within one week of becoming “official,” I had a gut feeling something was off. I looked at his phone and found videos sent in a group chat by his friend. The videos showed a random girl at a bar giving him a full lap dance. He even got kicked out because of it.
That same night, he had told me he was just out with the guys. He told me he talked to his friends about wanting to be a better man now that he was in a serious relationship, and that he didn’t stay out late because he wanted to come home early. It was all an act. He cheated within days of our commitment while pretending to be “changed.”
This was the longest break we ever had. I stopped contacting him for a few months and entered a short relationship with someone else that lasted about five months. Toward the end of that relationship, B reached out to me again under the excuse of a “business-related” topic just to re-establish contact. Eventually, I gave in. I ended the relationship I was in and started seeing B again — on and off and unofficially.
During that period, we went on a few more short trips together while still not officially together.
More recently, I noticed something felt off again. After I questioned him, he told me that a “friend” (who is actually a fuck buddy from another city) needed to stay at his place. He claimed he wanted to be better, so instead of staying there with her, he stayed at my place to show that he was changing.
A week later, I found out the truth:
She had already stayed at his place two days before he stayed with me. They had already slept together. He only told me that story because I was questioning him — not because he was actually changing.
A week ago, I asked him again about being in a committed relationship for the last time. He agreed — but the way he agreed felt careless and unserious, almost like it didn’t matter either way. It immediately felt off. I don’t trust him anymore after years of lies, yet emotionally I still find myself wanting to be with him for reasons I don’t fully understand.
Because of that feeling, TODAY I looked at his messages again.
A few months ago (November 2025), I visited Vancouver Island with him to see his parents while he helped his sister dog-sit. I stayed for about a week and left early on November 5th, while he stayed behind a bit longer. While reviewing his messages, I found conversations from November 5th and 6th — the exact days I left the island — where he was arranging to meet up with a random person.
What shocked me the most was that he asked the person to send a picture, and they replied that they would send it on Grindr.
At this point, I feel almost numb to him seeing other women — but discovering that he was actively using Grindr was genuinely shocking. In the messages, they discussed sexual preferences, and he responded with what he “likes.” This was happening the day after I left, after we had just spent a full week together and visited his family.
During that same trip, I also remember noticing random flirtations and interactions on his social media, which I somehow normalized at the time. Even now, reading those Grindr messages, I feel both shocked and disturbingly calm — like my brain is automatically minimizing it to protect me.
After years of this cycle, I feel emotionally exhausted. I’ve normalized behavior that I know is not okay. I know I need to love myself more and cut ties with him, but I also know I’m not fully ready — and that scares me.
I feel like I need help breaking this attachment. How do you leave when you know someone is harmful to you, but your nervous system still clings to them anyway?