Hi, I (F20) need advice on a situation that has been causing me stress recently. So, my parents and I have never had the perfect relationship, but its not a bad one either. It has its ups and downs but it can be quite unpredictable to know how they are feeling or how we will get along. Where I live, its normal for the children to live with their parents until they graduate or even until they marry their partner. Right know I am in my fourth semester in college and my bf (M20) is also studying his fourth semester but he is in the US (we are in a long distance relationship). All of this means that I still have a long way to go until I leave my house.
Now, the issue started about 8 months ago. My dad got fired from his job last summer, it was because his company was shortening staff and changing structure and he was one of the many that got laid off. However, my parents are drowning in debt. They have a lot of properties that were bought on credit, they have a bunch of credit card debt, they bought two cars recently on credit, and they owe people money as well. So, I don't think we could afford having just one source of income in my house.
Since I am still a student, I started to work as a math and physics tutor my first and second semester of college (before my dad got fired). I was doing well. I was doing like 200 dollars per week. I liked it because I always hated being a burden to my parents, especially a financial burden (I've talked about this in therapy, especially the guilt/shame that asking for money or help brings me). But, with time, I got really burnt out and was starting to have really bad panic attacks, so I decided to stop working and that is when my dad got fired.
That summer, my dad decided to focus on our family business since it was not making nearly as much profit as it should have been. A lot of things happened there and they needed a lot of help. So durning my summer vacations I worked a lot with my dad. They paid me like 150 dollars per week, however it was not that stable since some weeks they couldn't afford to pay me. It was also during the summer that I got my first credit card approved.
Then I started college again and I felt like I didn't rest at all. So I decided to have half of a semester off work. Then I came back, but in a lesser way, to prevent burn out but still make some money for my things and not have to ask my parents. That was going well until slowly, every month, my parents would struggle a lot more to pay my tuition or medical stuff. I asked them what was going on and they explained to me that my mother didn't have income either and that the family business was making giving us some income but very little.
They did try working more, but on their own businesses which were just starting and didn't assure them anything. They spent months working on a project proposal, and didn't get an approval until last week. We haven't had an income in my house for a couple of months and most of the savings have gone to paying their debt. My dad told me that the house we are living on is in risk of being taken away and that he also has some trouble with taxes. I've asked why he didn't look for another job after getting fired and he said that it would have been a waste of time and that he wanted to work on his own things.
I understand that this is just a rough patch. However a lot of its is also falling on me, when it isn't my responsibility. For example, the last tuition payment they paid was with my own credit card and they haven't paid me back yet. They've asked me to work for them without a salary. They want me to pay them monthly for a car that we all use. They want me to ask for a larger scholarship or change colleges. If im not at my main job (I currently work as a front-desk girl), they want me to work with them AT ALL TIMES. I am not exaggerating. My dad wanted me to work with him on something at midnight last night. And, in my house I feel like I am not welcome unless I bring value to them, like money or something they can brag about, like my grades or my work, etc. And when we talk about money we always get really tense and defensive or in general it has been kind of unbearable to be with my parents.
And, I understand that I live a privileged life. I have lived it. And right now my parents are struggling and they need help. I get that. I have tried to help, and I feel like all I do is help, but it is never enough for them. I work to pay for my own things, I have good grades so that I have a scholarship, I help them in their own business, I try not to worry them too much. However today I had a conversation with my dad about it all, and he still is mad at me that I am not paying him enough for my car or my tuition or my medical bills.
And all this time, all I can think about is how I am helping in every way I can and how I am 20 years old. I have never dealt with this kind of thing in my life. I am overwhelmed and anxious about this situation.
Also, I have tried setting boundaries on this situation like a time frame to work with them, or not letting them use my credit card (the tuition thing was because it was the only option), or asking them to pay me accordingly, but nothing really works.
So, now, I don't know what I should do… I don't know if I should keep talking to them about this to try and fix our relationship, make a plan to pay my credit card debt, try to gain independence, try to help more.
Do you guys have any advice on this situation?
TL;DR:
I (F20) am a college student living with my parents. My dad (M49) was laid off about 8 months ago. Since then my parents have been struggling heavily with debt and lack of income. A lot of the financial stress has fallen on me. I’ve worked to avoid being a financial burden, helped in the family business (sometimes unpaid), used my own credit card to pay tuition, and I’m expected to contribute to car payments, tuition, and medical bills. If I’m not at my main job, my parents expect me to work with them at all times. Money has caused constant tension at home, and I feel like I’m only welcome or valued when I bring money or something they can benefit from. I understand my parents are struggling and I try to help as much as I can, but it’s never enough. I feel overwhelmed, anxious, and unsure what I should do next—whether to keep trying to fix the relationship, help more, or focus on gaining independence and protecting my mental health.