I (27f) feel that after persevering for 2 years (of what is a 3 year relationship) trying to solve recurring communication issues i am seriously consodering calling it quits with my boyfriend (29m). This person i felt was the love of my life and there are so many good things about him that do suit me, and so many positives. I felt happiest in life before i met him and even more after. The first 6 months were complete bliss and the connection was unreal. I moved abroad for 10 months and we did long distance and communication issues started to appear. Lack of communication and ignoring (if he sensed i was off or down, he would not approach me whatsoever which would make me spiral). But I feel like being with him i have become a person I really dislike as i have become more angry. I dislike my lifestyle and I am unhappy.
Our fights are now constant (every few days) and range from small annoying things like him telling me to do things that don't make sense (and then him apologising) to serious recurring issues such as ignoring me and working on his communication style (avoidant). He has done drips and drabs of therapy and reading a book but we have not solved the issues that need solving as they are still here. He has made progress since the beginning but i have just gotten so irritable and less rational. I raise this and he tells me he has done things but the problem is is that the same issue is still here. Even more so, in the process of all this i feel like my communication style has become worse, I am very easily triggered, I get angry quite quickly and have started walking away at weddings and events to cry by myself because it gets too much. I feel so guilty because I feel like I am losing control of my emotions and abilities, as well as resilience. And I have told him this a lot. He cares a lot, and i know he does because he does make an effort, but he sort of doesn't know what to do and how to fully fix it (I do think he is a bit more on the spectrum) and even though I told him calmly how to communicate effectively so many times, and the past 6 months to a year I have left the ball in his court to figure it out (see a therapist) we are still having issues. I feel like whilst he has gotten a lot better than what it used to be, I am now still getting even worse and more difficult to handle.
I had a hard bout of burnout summer of 2024 and he helped loads but I feel like I have slipped into a lifestyle im not happy with. He is very happy with how things are. Type of person to work a 9-5 and go gym or watch a movie and get takeout and repeat – hes a happy bunny. I have always wanted yo spent time talking, trying a new recipe, doing a hobby or planning some activity. Loved being busy. But I feel like I have slipped into this lifestyle of not doing very much and I just feel like ive lost that motivation and determination. I told him months ago I feel like im rotting in this pit of things i dont like (my logestyle, who i have become) qnd he tells me its not true and that im doing so well but the fact is i feel so stuck and demotivated. I told him it feels like he enables it with phrsses like that. It scares me because if i had to witness somethint like this happening to someone i would be doing ym best to try and help them out of it, not just say its ok to placate the issue. I know he doesnt do it out of malice, thats just how he is. He does always take it on the chin but he doesnt seem to think he needs to do more than want the bestbfo4 someone. I have tried to call it quits a few times and he has begged fo4 secone chances and he woule see a therapist for a few times (i told him he needed to see someone to learn effective skills for a lot longer) and he said hed to when he needs to but its been 6 months and no action.
I feel that I have lost love for things including him. I am less social and more anxious. So I find it hard to know if I am out of love with him or if its everything else that has been going on.
To make things more confusing, my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer in September 2025 and died at the start of December. We also are in the process of buying a house because when we found out moms situation, we wanted to have a place for her to stay whilst she was getting chemo near us. He was incredible during the whole time of my mom being ill and one of the most supportive people. He supported my extended family coming to stay in our tiny flat, my sister staying with us for a month, also visiting my mom as much as he could. He really stepped up when it was needed. My mom also loved him and always talked about how he was a good one.
Me and partner had a falling out in November over some bad communication (sometimes it feels like we have just started dating: like he doesnt think to ask me what i want to do and makes the decision for us. We were at his friends house who didn't really have any food except for cereal and milk and I cant have milk and his girlfriend told him that. When I came into the lounge they were watching football and I was told we'd set off after they finished watching the football. I didnt want to say anything necause it wasnt my house and they had decided they were doing that but i had told him i was starving before we went to bed and so it kind of felt i had to wait until rhey finished. I tried to make and effort and engage as i was in a good mood but his friend didnt really make an effort. We left at 2pm and i was starving. He said we had to rush and get takeout from somewhere and i ate in the car whilst he drove but it just felt so wrong. I had wasted a whole day, got hangry and didnt even get to enjoy my meal. I know i could have taken myself off for breakfast somewhere, but it felt difficult being in his best friends house whilst they were watching something they are v interested in). We had spoken about the fact that whoever friends/family it is, they decide when we leave as we both find it uncomfortable to be the instigator with each others family or friends. Thats why it upset me, he didnt even think to ask me if I wanted food or what i wanted to do that day as we were running an errand for him that day after the football game. he said he would get therapy but I checked in how thay was going and he said he would do it after all the holidays. I know its Christmas but its been 2 years of this and he could have at least found a therapist an booked a session in for after the holidays. This time I was really speechless after it all. And im just thinking that even though he can be so good at times and show so much love, is this just men? Or am I a mug for being with someone who will put off doing the work even when i am ringing every alarm bell possible? The crap thing is that we have made so much progress (and I probably should have run from the start but I was willing to put in the work to make this relationship work) but it just feels like too much. Should he have fixed after 2 years?
I dont like to imagine us being apart and moving on without each other but its become more of a reality in my head now that I see it as a choice between myself and the relationship.
I am secretly hoping the house falls through because Ive been getting quite scared about the whole house situation and coming back to my senses of how it might be a very bad idea to get tied down together like that. I am so incredibly conflicted because apart from the issues that reoccur, he is exactly the person that I want to be with. Do I start over (even though we are about to buy a house)? Or do I really try and persevere, and get more balance back in life before I do anything? (But then it will be harder to get out). He has contacted another therapist and is planning to go in person. I feel like I need a lot of therapy now to work through all the hurt and get back on track.
TLDR; me and partner have tried to solve communication issues for 2 years but it has not improved and my mental health has suffered because of it. There is a lot to stay for but should I leave if its not been fixed yet?