I (38F) recently ended a relationship with a man (40M) who treated me well and was consistently honest with me.
I’m now struggling with regret and with taking full responsibility for my own choices.
The relationship itself was stable, kind, and emotionally safe. There was no abuse or deception on his part.
From the beginning, he was clear about his boundaries around living together and having more children. I understood those boundaries and chose to continue the relationship anyway.
Over time, I became increasingly unsettled.
I realised that what he was offering didn’t align with what I thought I wanted long-term, but instead of addressing that clearly and early, I internalised it and grew conflicted.
During this period, I made a decision that I now regret. I suggested that I have a “hall pass” to explore a connection with someone else.
At the time, I told myself it was about being open-minded, but in hindsight I think it was a way of avoiding a deeper conversation about my own doubts and fears. Rather than creating clarity, it added emotional complexity and instability to the relationship, which I now see was unfair to both of us.
Around the same time, he had a vasectomy. This wasn’t new information, he had always been upfront about not wanting more children, and asked my view on it months before, but it made the reality unavoidable.
This was far more confronting for me than I admitted at the time. Instead of working through those feelings openly, I withdrew emotionally.
By the time I finally voiced my doubts, they were already well-formed, and the relationship ended soon after. I can understand how this may have felt abrupt and unfair to him, given that he had been consistent and transparent while I was privately processing and sending mixed signals.
Now that it’s over, I feel deep grief, regret, and self-doubt. I’m questioning whether I ended the relationship because it was truly incompatible, or because I couldn’t reconcile reality with an idealised version of what I thought my life should look like.
I also feel guilt about the possibility that my indecision caused unnecessary hurt to someone who didn’t actually do anything wrong.
At the same time, I don’t think it would be fair to reach out or reopen the relationship while I’m still uncertain. I don’t want to pull him back into emotional confusion just to soothe my own regret.
I’m not looking for validation, just grounded advice on how to process this honestly and maturely.