I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m trying to balance being fair to someone with also protecting myself.
I’m a 25F in London, dating a 31M for about 5 weeks. We’ve been on 3 dates so far, with a 4th planned for this weekend. Things have been going well: good conversation, mutual interest, and nothing rushed physically. We haven’t had sex yet.
A few days ago, he sent me a long message explaining that he’s currently unsure whether he wants to stay in London long-term or move back to his home country (also in Europe) later this year. A lot of this is work-related (job dissatisfaction, visa constraints, potential promotion / notice period, lease ending, etc.). He said he wanted to be transparent early and didn’t want to mislead me. He also said he still wants to continue getting to know me and see where things go, despite the uncertainty.
I appreciate the honesty, but reading it made me feel hesitant. I’m realising that I’m not sure I want to emotionally or physically invest further if there’s a genuine chance he might leave fairly suddenly. I don’t want to end up feeling used or getting more attached while he figures out major life decisions.
For extra context (and this is where I’m trying to be honest with myself): in the past, I’ve been led on by men who acted like they wanted a relationship, only to later say they weren’t emotionally available. I’ve also been used for sex and then discarded, or been treated like a “girlfriend” during a rebound phase before being dropped. Those experiences have definitely scarred me and made vulnerability harder. Part of me is scared of repeating that pattern, and another part of me wonders whether I’m now becoming avoidant and wanting to end things early to protect myself from getting hurt.
What I’m also unsure about is his intention in sending this message. While he explained his situation in detail, he didn’t really explain how (or if) I fit into his plans. I’ve suggested we talk about this properly in person when we see each other this weekend, rather than over text.
I guess my questions are:
– Is it reasonable to slow things down or set boundaries (especially physically) until there’s more clarity?
– How much uncertainty is acceptable this early on?
– How do you tell the difference between healthy self-protection and avoidant behaviour?
– Would you continue dating someone in this situation, or see this as a sign to step back?
– What would you want to hear from him to feel emotionally safe continuing?
I’m not expecting him to have everything figured out, but I also don’t want to ignore my own instincts just because it’s still early.
Would really appreciate hearing how others would handle this.