I (27F) dated a guy for about 3 months. The first 1.5 months were genuinely great, consistent dates, affection, future talk, strong chemistry, and it felt like we were moving toward commitment. We slept together, and shortly after that he said he “wasn’t feeling the spark anymore,” which felt confusing because there had clearly been a lot of spark before.
I asked him to clarify what that meant. He said he worried I might think he was boring. I reassured him that I didn’t think that at all. After that conversation & reassuring him, he completely flipped, told me he wanted me, wanted us, and seemed fully back in and emotionally invested.
The next month and a half was great again. Then I started feeling him withdraw (this also happened the first time). Also we were around that time (3 months) were it felt like it was time to make the relationship official. When I asked what was going on, he said he was having doubts again and that his feelings “weren’t strong enough” for me.
I’m really struggling to understand how someone can seem all-in, pull away, come back strongly, and then pull away again. I genuinely believe he had feelings for me, so how do feelings just disappear like that? Is this an avoidant attachment thing? Fear of commitment? Loss of novelty after intimacy?
For context: I’m attractive, have a stable job, my own place, I’m easygoing, affectionate, and emotionally available. I wasn’t pushing for labels or anything. Things were progressing naturally.
What’s also confusing is this has happened before with another guy (shorter situation — about a month, no sex). He also said he “didn’t feel a romantic connection,” despite consistent effort, future talk, and behavior that suggested interest.
My questions:
– What does this pattern usually mean? I don’t want this to happen again and it seems too coincidental to happen twice. I want to improve myself
– Is “losing the spark” real, or is it emotional avoidance?
– Is there something I’m missing, or is this more about the men than me?
I’m feeling really confused and honestly flabbergasted. I hate losing myself in relationships (we didn’t even get to that point) but I’m over thinking & asking ChatGPT to reanalyze the situation every time I think of something new. I’m hurt & want to prevent this from happening again