Hello.
My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years. We are very much in love and we have deep respect for each other.
We have always talked about having kids in the future, but her position was usually more relaxed, like if it happens it is okay. Recently, though, she came to the realization that she truly wants to be a mother, and she wants that to happen within the next two years at most.
This surprised me because I do not feel ready to have children right now. I do not feel the calling yet to take on the responsibility of being a parent. I know it may sound selfish, but I honestly imagine myself becoming a parent later, maybe around 38, after making important career decisions or even switching careers if needed.
At the moment I am also exploring things I have always wanted to try, such as creating online videos, making music, and other personal projects. Having a child now feels like it could limit my freedom to explore these paths because of time and responsibility. Even if that fear might not fully come true, knowing that I still have around six years ahead of me makes me feel calmer and less pressured.
We both have stable jobs, but I recently moved to a new city. I am still trying to build my social circle here. She has many friends because she has lived here for years, while I am learning the local language and slowly building relationships. I am quite social, but this transition has only been happening for about a year.
Since moving, I have been feeling somewhat sad. I lost the social life I had before and I do not feel fully at home yet. I know I need time to adapt. Because of this, the conversation about having a child is extremely stressful for me. Suddenly the thought of myself becoming a parent in a city where I do not yet feel grounded or settled and in two years adds even more pressure.
Another source of stress is that for the past six months our sex life has been declining. I do not know if this is because of the move and a possible depressive phase, or if it is something between us. I love her deeply.
This uncertainty is one of the reasons we both started therapy this week. We want to understand why my libido has decreased, why I am not ready to have children in two years, and whether this is related to the new city, my mental state, or simply the fact that I am not ready yet.
I am wondering if you have experience with this or if you know people who felt unready to have children while their partner was ready. If you went through something similar, how did you deal with it or resolve it?
Right now it feels like we are not on the same timeline, and that is incredibly painful because I love her so much. Lately we both find ourselves crying randomly at home. It feels deeply sad, like we may have met at the wrong time. Sometimes I think that if we had met now, in our thirties, maybe I would feel more decisive about having a child.
I do not know. All of this is very difficult. If you have thoughts or opinions, I would appreciate hearing them. What do you think we should do? We feel that we have about six months to decide what to do, and that makes everything even heavier.
EDIT: Btw I told her all of this already above, I'm trying to get an opinion, you do not need to be mean or bitter, I am asking for help and thoughts, if not fine.
EDIT 2: We both agreed for years that if we do not have kids it’s fine, if we decide together we want it’s fine, if we both agree. She just recently changed her mind and actually wants one soon. That’s how I got surprised. We were more into a chill idea on deciding in the moment