I (21 F/Non-Binary) have a boyfriend, who we’ll call K, of almost 2 years who isn’t very affectionate, and it’s starting to mess with my self-esteem and how I’m feeling in this relationship so far.
To begin with: he’s a wonderful boyfriend. He’s handsome, charming, loving, hilarious, dresses well, smells good, takes care of me, and cares about me so much. We have so, so much in common and everyday I am glad that we found each other. I know from previous conversations that he cares about how I feel in this matter, but I’m starting to think that this is just something we can’t overcome.
I started feeling this way a few months ago, as the shift from the start of our relationship and now feels so different. At the start, he’d give me words of affection and tell me how he felt about me, send me cute couple Instagram reels, watch and like all my instagram stories (I’m a bit of a yapper), and when we were together there was no end to the physical affection.
I’m an incredibly affectionate lover myself – I pour myself into the people I care for, which is something I’ve only just started to learn how to do. For the sake of context, I think it’s important for me to note that I dealt with being bullied during my formative years, which lead me to develop a poor sense of self-esteem, and severely impacted my sense of self-worth. It took me awhile to develop that sense, and feel like someone worthing of loving and being loved. In my prior relationship (this is my second), my partner was also less affectionate, and I often had to ask for compliments and the like, which added on to the plethora of reasons why we broke up. In comparison, the way K treated me at the start of our relationship felt incredible – I found someone who loved me despite how I felt about myself after putting myself out there, who I fell in love with just as deeply.
Which leads us to now – he doesn’t do any of the things lifted above as much anymore. I’m as affectionate as usual, I’ll greet him in the mornings and call him things such as ‘my love’ and other pet names regularly, and while I don’t overdo it, I’ll also regularly make sure to tell him I love and miss him, often slipping it into casual conversation. I’m always the one who plans the dates, and when we should meet-up/visit each other, and even when it comes to things like intimacy, I am the one who initiates this. He doesn’t even write me cards on Valentine’s Day, or my birthday – the times when you’d hope that you’d get something. My biggest gripe so far has been that we had promise rings a while back, which I take very seriously. I wore mine everyday, everywhere and never took it off.
For me, it was a symbol of our bond, and a promise to try and stay together through thick and thin until we could get the real thing someday. Both of ours broke because they were kinda cheap adjustables – we were both broke ass University students – since then, I’ve gotten him a new one after he refused to get his fixed – it was an actual silver ring, so fixable unlike mine, and despite expressing, and even saying outright that I wanted a new one (and giving him a LINK to my dream ring from Pandora) I have yet to receive it. This may come off as materialistic, but as I stated, I take the symbolism very, very seriously, and this has been upsetting me to no end.
It’s driving me insane – I’ve talked about it with him, and said I wish he’d be more affectionate towards me, and have said – albeit in a jokey type of manner – that I wish he’d tell me how he felt about me more, even if it wasn’t often. It’s messing with my sense of self-esteem as, while I know he loves me, I want to hear it. Just knowing isn’t enough. I know I shouldn’t jump to conclusions about how he’s feeling, and I am checking in on how he feels about our relationship as well, but when you’ve dealt with feelings of worthlessness before, it’s easy to think that it’s your fault.
I’ve been reconsidering going back to therapy – I’ve been wondering if my incessant need for affection and words of love is because I still haven’t found a sense of self-worth. I know that I want to feel loved, wanted and desired, and I know that I want it from him specifically. Even in the rare, rare, rare moments where other people have expressed that they find me beautiful or attractive (mainly social settings from other women, or when I was in a customer service position) I didn’t feel much of anything, if anything, I wish it had been him who were telling me these things more often.
I just need an outside perspective to this – I’ve taken to hugging my pillow at night and crying to a playlist I created on Spotify to deal with it so far. Hell, I even had a dream about the version of him I wish I had last night.
TL;DR: My boyfriend was incredibly affectionate and loving at the start of our relationship, and isn’t as much anymore, and it’s making me feel big sad, but I don’t know if it’s just because I’m a bit affection/attention starved and need therapy.