Buckle up, this is probably going to be long and convoluted. Bc i am immensely confused.
Also forgive my formatting, I am on mobile currently.
I, 20F, met my best friend, who we’ll call Darcy (also 20F), at the end of the previous spring semester. We helped each other one time in a uni course, exchanged contact info, and she promptly moved halfway across the country.
I didn’t care much. I hardly knew her. But since we were friendly, I still followed her social media and posted compliments. Mid-summer, she started posting about a book series I REALLY adore, (the locked tomb anyone?) and so I reached out so we could yap about it together.
One thing leads to another, and now we‘re talking every day, sometimes for hours at a time, and share most everything with each other. She’s just the kind of person who has always been easy to get comfortable around.
A few weeks ago, Darcy admitted she had a small crush on me. My brain promptly shut off.
A bit more context: Darcy has known she was a lesbian since she was probably 8, and I only realized maybe a year or two ago. I grew up very religious, while her family is very accepting, so we had very different experiences. She is much more experienced than me in queer relationships and the like, and I’m still somewhat trying to get my footing.
Also: Darcy is polyamorous. She has two partners, both of whom I am also friends with (I joke about infiltrating their polycule constantly), but neither to the level that I am friends with Darcy. I’m open to polyamory myself, but it’s never been something massive in my head.
Anyways, back to the main point, Darcy admitted to me that she had a small crush on me when I was complaining about being unable to tell when people are romantically interested. I’m autistic and arospec, so that may have say in that.
I shut down, as I have harbored a little crush on Darcy for a few months now (she’s sweet, beautiful, and funny as hell), and spent about half an hour stumbling over my words.
At the end, we agreed to just wait to see how it goes, as we haven’t known each other for super long, we live nearly 12 hours apart, and I’m still figuring out how I feel about polyamory (and I’d never ask Darcy to leave her partners for me).
Pretty simple, right?
We’d get pretty flirty going forward and say and do some fairly romantic things, but we’re not dating in the slightest. Right after the confession, I was absolutely *delighted* about the idea of dating Darcy, but now, I’m not so sure.
I am a fairly generous person. I don’t mean to say that in a bragging way, but I care very much for the people around me and I will step up to pay for or do things for them when I can. With Darcy, and my other long-distance friends, I will send them money when they’re craving something and don’t have the money for it, or send her gifts or care packages when I see something she’d like. This was happening long before any thought of romance entered either of our heads.
My issue now is that I am unsure if Darcy actually likes *me* romantically, or if she believes she does because I’m very much someone who enjoys serving. (We call it my knight instinct.) I will do these things, and I never expect to be paid back for any of it. I do it because I love her.
I’m starting to wonder because of the way she speaks to me sometimes.
One time, we got flirty, complimenting each other and sending pictures. I send a picture of myself. Nothing salacious, nothing too fancy. Cute, maybe. Darcy responds with compliments to my nose and brows and my ‘pretty brown eyes’.
I have blue eyes.
I tried to laugh it off, brought it up, and she laughed and said ‘I forgot because you don’t have that blue-eyed stare.’ Which. My eyes are a bit darker and not as intense, I suppose. But considering that I would smile at and study her selfies every time she’d send them, or that I’d be able to pick out the exact shade of her eyes from the paint samples at Lowe’s- it hurt, a little bit. That she didn’t know me as well as I know her. That she maybe didn’t pay as much attention to me as I did to her.
I brushed it off. A one time thing, and she is genuinely so caring and says the sweetest things and is always doing the most of the people she loves.
I’ve been noticing more, though.
Every time I begin to cry or complain about something going on my life, she’ll text back and say something like ‘oh Im so sorry baby ☹️ you don’t deserve that.’ Which. Is sweet. But she’ll go back to whatever she’s thinking of a few messages later. I know she’s much more the time to comfort through physical affection, in comparison to online, but it’s still difficult.
I hate to compare, but I am also good friends with her gf, Quinn (21). And every time I come to her anxious or scared, she will call or text for an hour or more, listing off however many reasons I should feel loved and that I’m a good person, until I feel safe and reassured. And even a little bit after.
I bring up my insecurities about being a second choice to Darcy, being second or third in comparison to her current partners. And I know she doesn’t think that way. She doesn’t rank us. But she never fully comforts me about it. And I don’t think I need to bother her about it, as it’s more my issue then hers.
When Darcy is having issues with her other partner (who’s a lot newer is Quinn), I will always have a listening ear for as long as she needs. I will do my best to help. But whenever I need something, it’s not reciprocated the same way.
I’m starting to believe she doesn’t actually like me romantically as a person, but due to my actions and the way I treat her. If I wasn’t so constantly ready, if I didn’t keep giving her things and doing the most, would she still have those feelings?
I don’t want to stop doing those things. Because I love her. And I would do them whether we were romantically involved or not.
And I end up feeling horrible, because she’s so gentle and sweet and the most interesting person to listen to. We have the same morals and political views. She’ll remember my love of certain subjects and animals.
But she doesn’t remember I have blue eyes.
This is partially a vent, I guess, and I’m sorry if it doesn’t make much sense. But I genuinely am unsure how to go forward with this. It has only been a few weeks since our conversation/confessions, so maybe I’m jumping the gun too quickly. Maybe I should continue to wait and see. But I also am unsure if or how I should communicate this.
I don’t want to lose her. Romantic or not, I love her so much. But I need more. And I’m unsure how to communicate that.
Please be honest in your thoughts, but I will be ignoring any comments saying to dump her ass completely. Whether it’s platonic or romantic, I’m not leaving her side. I’m just uncertain how to go forwards with this.