My bf of 6mo and I have been having this issue for a while and I don’t know what other way to solve this without being toxic.
Before we got together, he cut off his bsf due to her lack of ability to be there for him and listen to his issues. She used to be there for him when he was heavily struggling with depression. A month passed of us being together and she sent him a paragraph apologizing for her behavior, how she will do better to be there for him and she missed their friendship. He asked me for my opinion and my answer was, “I don’t see the need to bring someone back if I made the executive decision to cut them out of my life. I understand she was an important person at one point, but I don’t think you should. however, I will support whatever decision you make even if i have a few hesitations.” He completely understood and asked me to talk to him if i ever felt uncomfortable.
Now, we’ve had a couple conversations about how I get uncomfortable with certain situations I’ve been experiencing. One night, I asked further questions regarding their friendship. Turns out, she used to have a crush on him back in high school. Learning this and also learning that multiple guys crushed on her because she’s “conventionally attractive”, made me uncomfortable. I’ve mentioned countless times after hearing this, it’s weird being friends with someone who liked you (apparently she currently has a partner). He has been constantly reassuring me he was never attracted to her and doesn’t want to lose me.
He’s also mentioned she wants to visit him and his new house but he disregarded it due to it potentially making me uncomfortable but he’s made it known he does want to see her and rekindle in person. She lives in a different city and asked we take a trip together to an airbnb and explore the city while at it. He’s also mentioned a recent obsession over a cartoon character he’s been seeing graffiti about all over our city and wants to draw some of his own renditions to give to friends. This character so happens to be her favorite. I didn’t put much thought to it until I saw him take pictures and send them to her every other day. I mentioned this last night because he noticed I was acting distant. I confessed I was feeling uncomfortable bc of this recent obsession but I kept it to myself because this is an issue/insecurity I need to internalize and deal with myself. He got quiet and sighed, “You … you talk a lot about projection and how you won’t deal with insecurities from a partner but it’s starting to feel unfair between us because somehow I can’t talk much about my friend that I care and have cared a lot about.” He asked me if I wanted to be with him and I said yes. Then followed up with, “What should we do about this?”
I asked him if this conversation can wait until I’m able to meet with a professional therapist. He agreed and we went on with our night.
Our initial resolution when we got together was he can keep her as a friend but I will hear nothing of her. After talking about the possible visiting and graffiti, she’s been mentioned countless times already. I also can’t stop myself from seeing him text her everyday and seeing her contact name on his phone every time I’m around him.
I can not tell anymore if my feelings are based on insecurity OR if boundaries need to put up. I hate to tell him to cut her off, but I don’t know how else to release that pit in my stomach.