So I had shared this post a few months ago seeking advice

https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/Q4nLvSyXxy

And things aren’t getting better he is trying extremely hard at this point mainly once I sat him down the first week of December and said I mentally can’t do this anymore and I wanted to file for divorce. Then all of a sudden he now has a new job and he has become such a better dad since he stopped drinking. There is a part of me that hates the fact I’m going through with this because I am comfortable with him and we have been together for over 9 years at this point. But do guys ever really change? It’s like I hate hurting him but why didn’t he do all this changing before. I’m terrified to divorce him but I’m terrified to stay. I just don’t know what to do.


7 comments

  1. Depends on the guy. I had a major meltdown and started just telling people how it was going to be from here on out. There were changes and after a couple years I can finally feel comfortable that I have a partner for real. Were my methods harsh, yeah. I got the job done though and I was fighting for not only me, but my 5 kids, so I had no more give a fuck left in me at that point.

  2. I mean it was why you told him to leave; so he would change. It hasn’t been very long, so more than likely he will go back to old habits, but also since it hasn’t been very long I think you should hold off.

    Why the rush to file? Maybe give it a little more time and you will be more sure.

  4. Everyone can change for the better. Take it for what it is and keep a short leash so bad behavior doesn’t return.

  5. If stopping drinking was a major part of things getting better, then yes he can absolutely change and perhaps your marriage can mend. Perhaps there was more to this like him being depressed. I can tell you from my own experience, marriages can go from dead to saved (and the other way around). If you’ve already made your decision, that’s your right. But if you’re now not sure, nothing has to be done today. Counseling could be a good thing. One thing; if alcohol and gambling was a huge part of this, find an Al-Anon meeting. It’s not about excusing them, it’s about taking care of yourself, understanding what is happening, and not making yourself responsible for them. There are good people there to talk to who can better help you know if he’s capable of long term change.

  6. If you think this time he’s going to actually change and be the version of himself you want him to be I’d not file and give him a chance. You’re already spending a ton more money apart with two residences. Filing for divorce unless you do it yourself is very expensive.

    From experience I filed and eventually dismissed the action and stayed married. Cost us over $10000 – both of us had attorneys and with their fees court filings and everything it was a very expensive proposition. And while you may have separate residences costing even more I was lucky in that we have a two story house so I lived upstairs and she lived down.

    If he keeps up his efforts and you go to counseling you might be able to save a ton of money and be happy.

  7. My ex did exactly the same, turbed out his drinking went under ground. He was doing it in secret. It was all smoke screens to make me think he had stopped. Be really careful, trust your gut. Not saying he hasn’t actually changed, but just keep your guard up. If you have set your mind to the divorce and, despite any perceived change, can’t see a way forward, then just stick to your guns. Best of luck!

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