I (28F) have been with my husband (30M) for 8 years. When we met I was in just about the worst place ever mentally. I was terribly depressed, I was self-harming and ALL I wanted was sex. I drank a ton, had nothing "going" for me, and was dealing with some serious (and very recent) trauma. The only way I could feel connection to my husband (at the time boyfriend) was sex and I would get highly offended if he turned me down. I mean it was daily sometimes multiple times a day and we had nothing better to do because we didn't work or do anything but drink. This went on for a few years and then things kind of leveled out where we both were on the same page with how often we had sex and things were good and we both got jobs and quit drinking etc. We explored a lot of things together and had lots of open conversations about sex. "Healthy" would be how I would describe that era.
Now fast forward to the past 2 years or so. Life is….Great. I have never been this (huge knock on wood) financially stable, and definitely never this mentally and emotionally stable. In every aspect our life as a married a couple is everything we both ever wanted. Except….I never ever ever want sex. I might find myself in the mood once in a blue moon but it immediately gets shut down with anxiety. Nothing bad has happened. My husband is supportive if not once in a while rightfully frustrated with me because he doesn't know what he is doing wrong (even though I always tell him it is absolutely not him). I feel uncomfortable about it, like I physically cannot do it. I don't feel excited or turned on by the idea of it, I cringe at the thought honestly. Nothing medically has changed, I have had bloodwork done and been on the same medications for 6+ years. But I just don't want to have sex with my hot, kind, patient husband.
The ONLY thing I can think of is that I used sex to cope with the very worst things in my life for so long that I never had a positive association to it. It was always a way to get attention, get out of my head and, honestly, a form of self harm. But now I am happy. I don't feel a need for any sort of coping mechanism (I am sober now, too). It feels like a negative act and not intimate at all. When I do force myself to do it I feel sad, empty, and if anything I feel further from my husband and very lonely. It does not feel like a loving act. And my husband knows that. He doesn't want to do it if I am not happy or enjoying it. I tried to explain to him that I have to work through my relationship with sex but…how do I do that? I don't have any idea how to say these things verbally to a therapist. I dont know how my husband can help. I even tried to schedule days to have sex since we both are busy (we both run side businesses etc) but he said that felt forced and on top of that he struggles with some GI issues so we very much are at the mercy of how he is feeling lol.
Anyway…has anyone ever dealt with something like this? I have read posts from people who used sex to cope but it seems like most of them were having casual hook ups. In my case my coping was occurring within the same relationship I am still in so I feel like it is hard to separate those emotions. I am frustrated and I know my husband is too. I just want it to feel normal and positive.