Throwaway because husband knows my main. English isn't my first language.
I try to be a considerate and empathetic wife, to my husband of 9 years. But lately I'm wondering if I am too much of a pleaser or if he is asking too much. Or maybe I'm wrong for even thinking that I'm doing too much.
My husband has a lot of idk special needs, or at least things he would like me to be considerate of..
He sleeps lightly, and have asked me to please be quiet, not move to much around the bed at night, not setting more than one alarm, please get up at once when the alarm goes off, and please don't come to bed later than him: then I should just sleep on the couch.
He isn't mean about these things, but he has explained to me many times, that he can't sleep again, if he is woken up, and he gets his whole day ruined, if he doesn't sleep properly.
So I will even hold my pee and not sleep, in order to not wake him. He doesn't know i do that, and I guess if I told him, he would say of cause i should just get up to pee.. but he will get his day ruined, if get up doing the night.
And I just don't need the same amount of consideration. I think my life is just easier. He often wakes me up on purpose, because he would like a kiss before leaving for work, or wants to see if I'm up for sex or even just to spend time with me on a Sunday morning. I don't mind, because I can just go back to sleep like a normal person. And even if I can't, I don't get my whole day ruined by one or two nights without enough sleep.
It's the same pattern, when we go on dates.
He can't eat somewhere if the music is too loud. So I have to physically visit every place I invite him beforehand to acces the acoustics.
He don't ask me to do so. But if I don't, he says we should find somewhere else or go home. If we try to find a place we end up walking for hours before we find a place, he can eat.
I don't have that kind of issues, I'm just glad when he asks me out.
He also gets stressed out by visiting my family for more than one day at the time, and have asked me if we can avoid that. While I don't mind visiting his family for many days or even have them over for an extended weekend to please him. I would prefer spending time with my friends or my family or doing a hobby or just have me-time, but I don't get stressed out or socially uncomfortable by spending time with my in-laws.
He don't like a lot of my friends because they socialise in a way, he isn't comfortable with.
With my friends things kind of have to be polite and nice, and you can't just talk like a dock worker or say whatever is on your mind without people taking offence. He also says it's to hard on him having my friends over because he doesn't feel included and part of the group.
So he don't hang out with my friends very often, and ask me to not have parties or dinners, when he is home. He asks nice and explains himself and talk about how it's important, he can feel comfortable in his own home. And again I dont have the same issues. I don't mind cooking for him and his friends and i can be polite and friendly with them even though they are older, a bit rough and I can bring them whiskey and pretend I know something about it, to please my husband.
My issue is I find it all unequal. I don't think it's wrong of my husband to make his needs known, and I don't think it's wrong of me to be considerate of his needs. But I just don't feel this is fair. And i don't know, if it is fair, because maybe it is fair, that i don't always get what i want, so that my husband can get what he needs. Because needs and wants isn't the same.
And I don't know if I'm just pleaseing him too much and should just get better at saying no i don't want to be considerate of that need. Of if he is actually the one being unfair in some way. How do you guys think i should deal with this?
TLDR: my husband have specific needs, and i don't. I feel it's unfair, but I don't know if it actually is, and if he is unfair or if i should get some help to be better at saying I won't be considerate of his needs.