I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for six years, and it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had but I’m really bored. I have a history of childhood abuse, which has contributed to my current complicated relationship with love. I know I sound messed up but I’ve always been attracted to possessive, obsessive, physically violent, and manipulative types of men because the chaos and intensity of that kind of love brings makes me feel happy and safe. Sexually, I am also a masochist and enjoy the adrenaline of being abused/physical pain. (Yes, I am seeing a therapist for all of this.)
When I first started dating him, I wanted to leave these toxic patterns behind, and it felt like a perfect fresh start for healing. We’re both creative people, so drawing and designing together was a core part of our bond. Sex was fairly vanilla, but I felt like it was the right thing to do. Over the years, I’ve tried introducing more exciting things in bed, but he just wasn’t really into it.
Fast forward six years: we still love each other very much and we’re compatible in almost all aspects of life. However, we’ve moved onto our own creative paths in completely different mediums and rarely do things together anymore other than having food, drinks, yapping and occasionally playing games. I’ve mentioned multiple times that I feel disconnected in our relationship and that I miss creating with him, but the best resolution we’ve come up with seems to be just working on our own projects in the same room. He seems content with how things are right now, and I feel like I’m the only one who has a problem. He’s also been content with our sex life, but it’s become really boring for me, and I feel exhausted and ashamed suppressing all of my sexual needs.
Recently, I made a drawing buddy in art school who shares a very similar mindset on art, trauma, and sex. We’ve been meeting up to draw and talk endlessly about these topics, and it feels like such a huge release. I’ve missed the feeling of sharing artworks painting, drawing so much that I often just want to stay in the art studio with my friend and not go home. After our chats, I’ve also realized how much sexual tension I’ve been suppressing over the years, and I’m now heavily rethinking whether this relationship is sustainable and if I can find someone who will meet my sexual needs while still maintaining a healthy relationship.
Over the years, I’ve realized I connect more deeply with people who have experienced similar trauma and therefore have similar twisted views on love and sex. It almost feels like my boyfriend is too mentally healthy for me but that sounds like such a weird thing to say.
All of this has made me feel even more distant from my boyfriend, and I’m really conflicted. We’ve been through so many ups and downs together, and he’s the kindest, sweetest person I know. We align in so many other aspects in life and he is so, so good to me. I’m just so messed up and bored and I feel so guilty for feeling any of this. What are your suggestions on what I should do from here?
Please let me know if you have similar experiences… I feel like im going insane thinking about this by myself.
Thanks in advance for any advice!
TL;DR
I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years and love him, but I’m feeling bored and disconnected, and my attraction to more intense, chaotic types of love is making our relationship feel limited. Hanging out with a new art friend who gets my messed-up way of loving has me wondering if I should stick it out or look for something more exciting.