Hi,
I’m a 28F and I’ve been with my boyfriend (30M) for about a year. He is kind, caring, and emotionally supportive, but I’m struggling with how to handle the financial side of our relationship.
I work as a doctor and usually work long hours (around 50–60 hours per week). My boyfriend is an artist and has had an unstable professional path. He has done several training programs and short-term jobs, but none have resulted in stable income so far. He didn't complete his last training program (artistic one) and missed an exam to go on holidays with me. So he probably failed the 2 years program that was really going well so far.. He didn't tell me about this until recently. And now, instead of looking for a job, he chose another training program in a complete different field (as an electrician).
At the moment, I rent my own apartment, while he still lives with his mother. Over time, he has been staying at my place around 4–5 days a week. After several months, I asked him if he could contribute to basic shared expenses like electricity and water. He was surprised by the request and said that since it’s “not our apartment,” he didn’t really see why he should pay. So I put a limit and we see each other once or twice a week, cause I don't want to provide for him on a daily basis. But because of that, i have the impression the relationship is not going forward.
We usually split food and going out 50/50, but due to travel and other expenses, I’ve ended up lending him around $1,000 over the past year, which I’m still waiting to be repaid (got 200$ already). He has some existing debts cause he didn't pay the rent of his last appartment for a whole year after a break-up. He is now slowly paying off the debts.
Another point that was difficult for me emotionally: after a trip abroad together, he didn’t get me anything for my birthday because he had spent all his money during the trip. I had organized his birthday earlier (gift, restaurant, flowers). I wasn’t expecting anything expensive — even a small gesture would have felt meaningful. Sometimes i think it's more about responsability, initiating and planning than just money.
Another problem is he had 2 dental caries when i met him one year ago. Okay, can happen to everyone. But his last dentist moved away and he never bothered to find a new one. After a full year of watching these bacteria nests growing up, i called my dentist to take an appointment for him. But it didn't feel right.
Lately, I’ve noticed that this financial imbalance is affecting how I feel in the relationship. I feel more stressed, less relaxed, and emotionally drained. My libido has also dropped, which I think is linked to feeling more like a provider than an equal partner.
I'm not asking whether he will or won’t change. My question is more practical:
How to set healthy financial boundaries in a relationship when incomes and stability are very unequal? What is reasonable to expect in terms of contributions, debts, and shared expenses?
At what point does financial imbalance start to affect the emotional dynamic of a couple? I need advices.
Tdlr :
I (28F) earn much more than my boyfriend (30M), who has unstable income and debts. I’m struggling with financial imbalance, shared expenses, and setting healthy money boundaries without feeling like a provider rather than a partner.