Hi, please bear with me on this-I’m a first time poster on this sub. My wife (40F) and I (39M) have been married for six years. We have a two year old daughter and since Covid, my wife has shown signs of contamination OCD and it’s progressed. Initially I went with it to prevent constant conflict but over the years it’s become unbearable. In order to stay grounded, I speak with a therapist (not specialized in OCD and it’s been helpful).
Examples are: wash hands when we come into the house, shoes off, no outside clothes in the bed, can’t reuse clothes after wearing, must wipe down phones after use, wife down laptop after taking it to work, can’t have friends over, when people come over pillows from couches are removed to prevent contamination, wipe down counters each night, Lysol all touch points in the house and that’s what I can remember as I type this. When family and friends come they need to follow “rules” like take shoes off, wash hands, change clothing, eat at the table. When they leave everything is washed (pillows, covers, cases), wiped with Lysol/clorox wipes and fabrics that she can’t wash (chair cushions) get the fabric sanitizing spray.
I can’t do it anymore, and lately I’ve been pushing for her to get help. She doesn’t want to go to therapy, and she’s stated that clearly over the years. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve asked her to get help, I even will go with her but she doesn’t want to. I’m contemplating to ask for support from her family. I’m also starting to stop enabling but she finds ways around it but this has been extremely hard. She has an excuse for everything she does and when I challenge it I feel gas lighted or as if my statements don’t make sense. If my phone is on the night stand while I’m brushing my teeth- she’ll wipe it. I’ll ask her if she did and she’ll say no but clearly smells like Lysol and has 0 fingerprints on it. Not that I’m a messy guy, but if I feel I need to clean my belongings I will.
Can you offer any help? If I’m in the wrong sub-please let me know. I’m worried about our family, my daughter is growing so fast and I don’t want this passed onto her. The latest compulsion was when I took her clean clothing out of the dryer and into a hamper for her so I can contribute to chores and do laundry. That laundry went straight into the dirty hamper and she rewashed it all again herself n
How do I support my wife yet not enable her? Has anyone struggled with this? What helped outside of therapy?
Thanks in advance for your feedback.
TL;DR
Wife struggles with contamination OCD; not willing to do couples/therapy, have to follow rules all the time. Two year old daughter and husband at stake and I don’t want to lose my wife over this. What can I do to make this better?
For those who have asked if I have posted this in this sub before, I haven’t. This is my first time in this sub and appreciate the help. In my spare time I’ll try and search for similar topics in this sub to see what others have shared for similar people as well.