I need some help, and some neutral opinions.
I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years now, and the first 1-2 years were completely fine. We live in a western country, I am Italian background and she is from chinese background though born here. This is relevant. I am a corporate professional often working long hours earning very good money, and she is a part-time teaching assistant who also is an aspiring artist.
Things became sour about 2 years ago when we first started looking for a house; where my family/parents were initially not too supportive on buying a house and recommending a townhouse/unit as that is more affordable in the area without going into significant mortgage debt. (the loan and sale would be in my name alone). My parents were quite wishy washy for over 12 months about how much financial funding they would provide to help us buy the house, and it became incredibly frustrating to both my partner and I , and we eventually bit the bullet and I purchased a house nearly maxing out my borrowing capacity, a large property with a small very average house in an affordable outer suburb. Not technically my preference as I probably would've preferred a proper house with smaller land size, but GF insisted on larger land size as would appreciate more.
Anyway after all the difficulty with my parents about the housing issue ( I did initially feel uncomfortable asking them for money), my GF is non-stop negative every single day. everyday she will talk negatively about every member of my family. I have a brother who's socially awkward and we have suspected may be borderline autism but never confirmed, as he can hold down a decent government job. I have another brother who is a social recluse, forever student, doing his 5th uni degree now, barely ever worked. They both stay at home, and have never had girlfriends, and have no friends they hang out with. My sister is a career woman, but is a married to a man that is ex-military that has been on disability pension ever since she met him, and has hence never worked. My mother is a bit stern, was the dominant one in our household , managed the money and did house work, not the most social. My dad is a nice and social guy, but bookish and mainly focussed on career, and does minimal around the house.
That is the context of my family, I see their faults, but I accept them for who they are.
Some of the negative things my GF will constantly tell me are
– Compare me to her father, whom is a go-getter, owns multiple properties and manages them, many side hustles, high income earner. Often states that I am not masculine, as I am not adept at house maintenance like him (She helped build a boarding house with her dad when she was a teenager) whilst my mum mainly did all the chores in my household.
– Has stated many times she is concerned our child will have autism due to my older brother, asked we get a genetic test done first ( Which we did, was expensive).
– She is very anti-vaxx. States due to my older brother she will not allow our future kids to have childhood vaccines. I am very pro vaccine, and wish for them to be vaccinated. She will not budge on this, until they pass the age of 3-4 or so.
– States she does not want a wedding with me, primarily as she does not want my family to be present, as she finds them embarrassing. states she would do the wedding if only my family did not attend.
– She will often talk about how my parents 'failed me', as I did not grow up doing more holistic things growing up (i.e taking me to sports, living close to high schools so I commuted a lot, not made me more charismatic, not learnt 'masculine' skills like house or car maintenance). Badmouth my family every day.
– There is a clear skill differential between us with house maintenance/property skills, and whenever it becomes apparent, she gets upset with me, and will say "Why didn't your family teach you this" "Your parents are failures"
– Gets very upset when I spend time with family, and friends that she does not approve of, as they are 'too nerdy', even though I have known them since high school. With family, after I come home, she will get upset with me. It feels incredibly isolating, as I can only spend time with her and her family.
– We have been arguing a significant amount for the last 24 months. We have been to couples counselling, however it mainly talked about navigating the house purchase process, and for me to stop listening to my mum.
I find my girlfriend's behaviour very disrespectful, particularly around how she talks about my family. I have multiple times asked her to change how she communicates to me and speaks about my family. However the conversation often turns to how she feels I don't spend enough time with her (all my non-working hours are virtually with her), and that my family are embarrassments in her culture. And her behaviour never changes, and the topic changes.
TLDR:
Is my GF's behaviour a red-flag?
Frequent disrespect to my family, unhappy with me for not being 'masculine' enough and not knowing house skills, isolating me from my family. Does not change how she communicates.
I still love her, but what should I do next?