I’m (41m) struggling to understand a relationship dynamic and would really appreciate some perspectives.
My girlfriend (?) (32f) gives me a lot of her time. I’m fully integrated into their life. She’s met my parents, I’ve met her parents. We’ve traveled together. We’re in touch every day. We just vibe. Everything we do is fun and full of laughter. We spend 4-5 nights a week at each other’s houses. We’ve talked about the future, children, values. Her parents, who she has a good relationship with, adore me and have told her “not to fuck this up”. My friends adore her and say they’ve never seen me happier.
It’s been about 3 months.
She recently moved back to the area after a terrible, super traumatic, gaslighty relationship (i.e. ex boyfriend had a whole secret girlfriend). She’s gone to therapy, although hasn’t resumed since being back. She also has dealt with a sexual assault. She’s generally overwhelmed with life at the moment, which I also think is a trauma response.
She warned me upfront that there were issues/trauma and a full lack of libido. I knew this was going to be tough, but man oh man. I get very little warmth. She curls up in bed away from me. She will rain affection on the dog and moments later be stone cold with me. I had thought I’ve done pretty well, as I’m aware that pressure would be fatal, but I have had a couple of wobbles where I broke down in tears about how hard this is.
She tends to be pretty snappy, if not contemptible with me at times, when her battery is low. Bringing that up turns into a whole thing of this all being about my needs and disregarding hers. This is baffling to me considering how much self-censoring I’ve done. But my one or two little breakdowns seem to have stuck more than my quietly tolerating way less than I otherwise would.
I do get occasional “I missed you toos” or heart emojis or other signs of affection that had been withheld on a non-linear but generally improving basis.
When I try to talk about at all she gets overwhelmed and frames it as pressure or seeking reassurance, as if I’m overly needy.
She has indicated, albeit only in passing, that she’s aware of her shortcomings here, and needs to take it slow, but I’m getting anxious here.
I’m willing to put in the work here for her, as when she’s on, she’s on and we’re solid. But I’m kind of losing my optimism here.
I know that I have to continue to need less here until I’m regarded as safe to her nervous system, but not hearing “I know I need to work on this, and I will” is starting to curb ny optimism.
I guess I’m looking for some advice, insight, cause for optimism. I’m aware my needs aren’t being met, but I’m not quite ready to “just leave”.
Anyone have any relatable success stories or other insight?