I am a university student who goes to school about 6 hours away from my parents and visited home for the holiday break this year. My relationship with my mother has felt more tense this past month after a fight at Thanksgiving so I was on edge spending time with her more so for another holiday period. The weekend I got home my brother had a soccer tournament. My mom asked if I wanted to go, but being tired from finals and my hectic school schedule (anyone whose gone to a university with the quarter system gets how intense it is lol) I decided to stay home and mostly rest, although I did see my boyfriend in the evening for a bit one day. This did not go over well with my mom, for the next week she almost completely ignored me unless she was asking me to do house work. When I was helping move the couch and place down a new rug, I blew up a bit after she told me annoyed that I needed to move the rug three inches to the right and said that she only spoke more then two words to me when she wanted me to do something for her and every time she spoke to me it came off as annoyed or bothered. Now I understand and completely agree that children helping out with housework is more then normal, even when children reach adulthood I think it’s normal to help parents with chores when visiting. I was raised primarily with the values and influence of my Hispanic mother and so most of the cleaning and house care was on me and my mom, more so me when I reached high school and until I moved out. She admitted she had been short and cold with me because I hadn’t attended my brothers soccer tournament with her and that’s when she wanted to spend time with me. But she hadn’t told me this when she asked if I wanted to go, and there were many times between then and the rug incident when I had asked her if she had wanted to do something like go to dinner or have a movie night at home.
This set the tone for the entire break. We continued to have several fights, I continued to help around the house and speak with her but she continued being short with me. She would many times state to me that my contributions were not as high scale as she had expected. She many times would ask me why I hadn’t yet completed chores or projects yet, when she had just asked me to do them the day of. She’d also be asking me this while watching me actively doing the task. One of which was moving the couch, which is quite large and heavy, and setting up the rug which I did primarily by myself as my dad bailed less than halfway through which he tends to do with a lot of things and my mom has back problems which is why she needed me for a lot of physically laboring projects during the holiday break. I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend and even a bunch of time with his family, which my mom picked up on and seemed annoyed with. She’d ask why I didn’t wanna spend time with her and the rest of my family, but they would almost never respond to my attempts at making plans. I loved spending time with my boyfriends family as they are all very sweet and love me like a daughter.
While I didn’t fight as much with my dad, I’d have arguments with both him and my mom. They’d usually follow the same lines, often stating I have an attitude problem, my moms favorite line lately has been that I control the mood of the house and have the power to ruin everyone’s day/time. I just came home today, and told my roommate/best friend about my last dinner at home with my parents last night. I put on my smile as despite our conflicts I wanted to end my time with them on a good note. I jokingly asked what they’d miss about me, and only my little brother had something to say. My mom later made a joke saying “check back with me when you’re 22 or 23 and human again”. This hurt, but I didn’t lash out or take the bait since I didn’t wanna cause a scene, and again I didn’t wanna have a fight with my parents on my last night with them. My roommate/best friend thought this was a crazy statement and told me she would’ve caused a scene in the restaurant lol.
I guess I’m looking for advice on how to navigate back towards a positive relationship with my parents. I know there must be at least some responsibility on my end for keeping my character and behavior in check, because believe me, i know i am lucky to have my parents, especially since they are supporting me through school and have been there for me in many ways. But I also don’t want to become broken down and defeated by my family. There are a lot more incidents that have occurred, I just wrote what i thought would be most relevant and give a clear understanding.
TLDR: My holiday break with my parents felt unwelcoming and was filled with fights while they needed my help. I want to figure out a way towards a positive and healthy relationship on both sides.