For some broader context, I’m in an incredibly happy marriage with the best man I’ve ever known. He has never shown any signs that he would be or has been unfaithful. My concerns are primarily about his friend, a woman in her early thirties who he has been friends with since college. Luckily, she lives several states away so we only see her a couple times a year, but within those times there were multiple things that made me wonder whether she was truly a “girl’s girl.”
Now, they are incredibly close, but for the record – I’ve never been lucky enough to have such a close, intimate friendship with a guy without it becoming weird, so my feelings may come from a place of ignorance.
All this to say, I try to be very supportive of his female friendships, and he has countless other women in his life that have never made me feel the way she does. Here are a few things that made me feel uncomfy that I would appreciate some insight on (aka am I crazy?)
- PDA. She is very touchy feely with him (he does not reciprocate). The first time I met her, she came up and put her arms around my husband (early boyfriend at the time)’s side and gave him some hugs. At this point, I figured either she was just like this in general or she wanted to make a point to me.
However, during our wedding night, she came up behind him and gave him a hug. I found this to be incredibly intimate, and as someone who isn’t too into PDA it made me feel a little shitty and embarrassed.
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She tells a lot of stories about her past that feel like she’s trying to prove how close they are. Again, at our wedding afterparty, she told me and my friends the story of how she slept in the same bed as my husband and their other male friend years ago. The story was not exceptionally interesting, so again, it just felt pointed.
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At our wedding afterparty, she was trying to convince me to leave without my husband, who was checking on one of his friends who had drank too much. She kept telling me that I should just go home without him and seemed to not want me to wait, that she would take him home. Usually, no biggie…but on my wedding night it honestly pissed me off.
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Overall, she seems very much to enjoy being “not like one of the girls.” If you know the type, you’ll understand. I love and cherish the women in my life and love being one of the girls, and have noticed women with this tendency often want some sort of validation or attention.
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My husband has talked about women he’s dated in the past, and she seems very quick to find reasons not to like them. She made it a point to tell me that she’s never liked anyone he’s ever dated until me, which seems a little red flaggy although well-intended.
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Edited to add one more I forgot about. This may be silly, but she drove my husband’s car briefly during our wedding weekend, and during this time she left her scrunchie on the gear shifter thing and some pads in his console. May sound silly, but compounded with the other things, I just feel like she was trying to make a point to me about how close they are.
My husband knows how I feel and assures me that’s just who she is, and I don’t distrust him for a second. He never reciprocates any of the physical affection, either. Despite this, I just want to know…how would you feel in this situation? Am I valid in feeling a little uncomfortable?
Updating to add: I really appreciate all of the advice you guys have offered. The last time I brought up how I felt was actually on our wedding night, when I told him that her hugging him from behind and asking me to leave MY wedding afterparty without him made me feel disrespected and embarrassed because everyone saw. To be fair, he was pretty drunk when I brought it up and said he understood my concerns but he doesn’t think there’s malicious intent. If (when) this happens again, I’ll take the advice of the comments and focus more on how I feel vs what she intends. So sorry if this update is disappointing!
31 comments
Was their college relationship sexual?
I would trust your instinct.
Male man here.
It made me feel uncomfortable reading, and I consider myself very warm and touchy compared to my peers.
If it was just touching hugging and stuff I would be okay, no problems with that. But together with the weird comments it gives me the creeps.
Specially, the comment that you should leave the wedding without him. I don’t know anyone except extra toxic people who would advice that.
I would say keep distance and trust your husband.
OP, who cares if this is just her personality? Even if that’s the case, it doesn’t excuse it. Like…the story about her sharing a bed with your husband… wtf? I don’t share beds with my male friends.
And her asking you to leave without your husband on your wedding night?
Tbh, I’d be more concerned that your husband isn’t validating your feelings and brushing it off as « it’s just her personality ».
I mean it’s kinda weird to me that your husband isn’t weirded out by all of this. If a friend of mine was doing this to me in front of my wife I would immediately tell her to knock it off and if she didn’t I would go low contact. Not sure why a married person would put up with any of this
It’s usually the quiet ones you have to watch out for.
>PDA. She is very touchy feely with him (he does not reciprocate).
Unless I have missed it, although he doesn’t reciprocate he doesn’t make a physical barrier or remove her hands. He doesn’t tell her to stop doing it. He doesn’t make it clear that it’s not appropriate. Have you asked him why not? Have you said that you will talk to her about it yourself at any point?
Trust your instincts. I always had a gut instinct about a female high school friend of my husband’s because she pulled similar shit and turned out I was right. If she’s giving you that feeling, then trust it. And your husband needs a come to Jesus talk about what his ‘friend’ is trying to do to your marriage
Even if your husband never reciprocates and you trust him implicitly, the fact that it makes YOU, his wife, uncomfortable should be enough for him to tell her to knock it off going forward.
while you trust him, it’s her not to trust…. I would ask him that when she is around, so are you…
It doesn’t matter if “that’s just how she is”. What matters is it’s inappropriate and makes you uncomfortable. If someone is “just a chronic liar” you don’t trust them with the truth right? This girl jumps all over reasonable boundaries like expecting the two of you to separate on your wedding day. “Just who she is” is inappropriate.
Ask your husband what boundaries he intends to out in place with this friend to protect his marriage and respect his wife and see what he says.
Info – have they ever hooked up or been physical in any way?
She makes me uncomfortable. I would not be opposed to saying things like ‘that’s a weird story to tell’. Or ‘it makes me uncomfortable when you touch my husband in a sexual manner’. Or ‘don’t worry, I’ll decide how my husband and I get home. We are quite fine managing our time.’
Call her out directly and put her on the spot. She is probably counting on you staying quiet. Then watch your husband. It will be up to him to back you up. Frankly he should be stopping the hugging from behind, but the other comments have been direct to you so you can handle the directly and then he should be backing you up.
*eyeroll* of course he sees nothing wrong with this. Why risk the attention of two women just to please you? It’s not logical actually. /s
Have your husband read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass about setting appropriate boundaries. You need to trust your gut. Your husband is letting his past years of friendship interfere with his judgment. He should be more proactive in protecting his marriage and calling her out on when she’s crossing boundaries.
Your feelings matter and he should show deference and respect to you above this “friend” He should not be prioritizing her feelings above yours. Unfortunately this won’t go down easy because he’s let her ignore boundaries multiple times. But he’s going to have to have the difficult conversation with her and tell her that she’s out of line and that his relationship with you matters most to him and that their friendship is going to have to scale back because they are at different stages in their lives but he’s setting boundaries and if she crosses them; he’ll call her out on it and if she does it in front of you; it’s considered disrespectful and that his wife has his permission to call friend out on it too.
If he’s not agreeable to these actions, then consider couples counseling. One friend actually would video record her husband when friend was crossing boundaries and then replay it with his mother to confirm their take on things which really helped open his eyes. In any event, do not be passive but assert your concerns. Hope he loves you enough to hear you and be more proactive at reassuring you
The red flags 🚩are waving! She wants your husband. He needs to wake up. I would establish boundaries.
The deal is: Your husband isn’t into her and never has been. He might even be oblivious to some of her shenanigans (I used that word on purpose) but SHE WANTS YOUR HUSBAND.
I am one of the most confident and secure women I know. I’m also a girl’s girl. I look at other women as beautiful creatures and never as competition. I celebrate and compliment women all the time. I’m smart, funny, very attractive and have never worried about another pretty girl taking my husband’s attention (pretty girls are a dime a dozen), but she needs to GO.
She’s very disrespectful to you and your marriage, and your marriage comes first. My husband would’ve put her in her place years ago, but he’s not oblivious to these kinds of things. She’s also not intimidated by you, so she has no qualms about disrespecting you and talking to you like you’re stupid. Yeah, he’d have to check her and check her HARD or I would, and that wouldn’t be something she’d want. In me and my husband’s circle, which includes our friends, my family and his family (everyone loves each other) several other people would’ve already said something to embarrass her by now. Her behavior and the things she’s said wouldn’t have escaped anyone’s attention, even the men.
I am a flirty guy my wife knows that I flir just to be funny most of the time sometimes to lift someone s spirts but if a woman or man(not gay but flirt anyway ) ever calls me on it i am gone . What she does isn’t playful banter its long term focused strategy of some kind ..I think but who knows sure she isn’t after you?
Oh she is definitely trying to prove a point. Yeah it’s great that your husband doesn’t touch all up on her inappropriately you know because he is a married man. So that really shouldn’t be something to be praised for. If he knows that you feel uncomfortable about it, he should be telling her to stop and that he isn’t comfortable with her always touching him.
It’s perfectly acceptable for him to set boundaries about things that make you uncomfortable. You are his wife. He is either going to continue to make you feel uncomfortable by allowing her to continue being so touchy with him, or he will make her feel uncomfortable by telling her that he does not want her all over him. So whose comfort does he care about more? Yours or hers?
She is pushing boundaries. Offering to drive him home on your wedding night?! He is your damn husband! The stories about sleeping with him were definitely told to make you uncomfortable and to make you start to think there is something more between them or as if he has feelings for her.
Your husband needs to put a stop to all this, or speak up in the moment and point out weird or inappropriate behavior. Your feelings should matter to him. As his wife your feelings should matter above anyone else’s in his life.
You don’t want a snake like that in your circle that is secretly trying to creat problems and doubt in your marriage. I would ask him to distance himself from her. She seems to just be skating the line of being inappropriate and your husband should not give her the chance to cross it. Even if you trust your husband you shouldn’t let someone who disrespects your marriage around you guys. It will lead to trouble.
Updateme
Always trust your gut
updateme
I’m a man and married and everything you say she does would weird me out. Why is your hubby putting up with it? Does he enjoy the attention? No thoughtful husband would allow any woman to disrespect his wife like this.
“That may be who she is, but she’s disrespecting me. How can you address that, please? It’s not oaky that she’s continuing to disrespect me.”
Your husband needs to put up serious boundaries with this woman to make you more comfortable. She is going to try to entice him to sleep with her eventually.
My male cousin’s best friend was a woman who used to visit him often during his first marriage. His best friend is now his wife.
Updateme
valid; trust your instincts.
I’m all for friendships with all genders however there are lines you dont cross. I have very close male friends and yes we hug hello and goodbye but going up behind someone to hug them is weird and inappropriate.
it’s annoying and she’s obviously letting her insecurities get the better of her but frankly, if your husband is establishing boundaries/not reciprocating then you just need to leave it be. You dont have to engage with her at all; in fact you dont even have to be friends with her at all. At some point he will have to make a decision – tell her to cut the shit or stop talking to her but that will come when she definitely crosses that line that makes him uncomfortable.
OP, its pretty obvious this “friend” is the ultimate pick me, and its perfectly understandable that you are not comfortable with her. You’re not overreacting.
And it’s pretty simple. If you’re uncomfortable with this, your husband should also be uncomfortable with this. It doesn’t matter how trustworthy he is.
You seem to just want to validate your husband here, but if he doesn’t have your back, it’s a red flag.
Your husband needs to set clear boundaries with her. If he doesn’t, it’s because he doesn’t want to. Why is that? Updateme!
Why are you putting up with this? She needs to go away and have a nice life somewhere else. She is like a third wheel .
As a man, if I had a close female friend that made my wife uncomfortable out of respect to my wife I would end the relationship or at minimum tell my friend she needs to stop being physically touchy towards me because it makes me uncomfortable. The person you marry IS your best friend. Their needs come before anyone else’s. But I also don’t think married people should have close friends of the opposite sex. It’s a recipe for disaster.