My spouse and I have been married for 3 years, together for 12. We currently live in Colorado but my spouse wants to move back to California to be closer to her family. My wife moved to Colorado for college where we first started dating and have lived together ever since graduating. I have always been clear that I do not want to move to California but recently she has felt that she would have deep regrets if she doesn't move home to be with her family.
We have been talking about buying a house in Colorado for years, she would casually mention California in that conversation but both of us have primarily looked for homes in Colorado. We are now in a financial position to move forward with buying a house and have taken steps to making that a reality. We have talked with our financial advisor about getting pre-approved, started looking at neighborhoods we want to focus on, discussed whats important to us in our home search and were supposed to begin choosing a real-estate agent. However, my spouse has put a hold on moving forward because they don't know if they can see themself living here. They are very close to their family and they are not sure if they would ever truly be satisfied if we remain here.
I on the other hand, don't want to move. Her family lives in southern California in a particularly expensive area. I am an electrician and my wife is a nurse, we make a good living but we aren't wealthy. Living near her family means that we would not be able to afford our own house, at least not near her family and not one that is comparable to what we can afford in Colorado. My in laws want to help financially support us by helping us to buy a house so that we can move closer. My wife wants to take them up on that offer but that is a really big sticking point for me. I do not want to live somewhere that I can only afford because of someone else's good graces and live under a roof that I don't own. My wife ensures me that there wouldn't be any pressure or persuasion from her parents in any way with them helping to support us however, I am not 100% convinced and I don't know if I would ever be comfortable in this situation.
It's not that I am unwilling to move anywhere, I would be open to moving but I don't want to move somewhere we cant afford and be reliant on someone else having to help us. I am a very outdoorsy person, my happy place is in nature away from groups of people. My dream for the future would be to get a couple of acres and live a quiet life with a garden and some animals. I know thats not going to be our reality in Colorado at this point in our lives but a move to California seems live putting a larger distance between where I am and what I want to be in life.
My parents live close by (within an hour) and help take care of our 2 year old. Eventually we would like to have more kids and my wife is convinced that her family would be able to provide more help than my parents are able to give. Currently it is just my two parents who live in Colorado who are helping take care of our daughter because we both work full time, I go to school, and we do not use any childcare. Currently my parents help watch her for an hour or two a week and occasionally on weekends. Although her mother would absolutely be willing to help I am not convinced that her brother (married with two older teenage children) or sister (married with 4 children ages 6-14) would be able to give the help that she thinks they would. Her father, although great with the grandchildren is not be a source or childcare.
I am scared that if we stay she is going to be unhappy and have regrets. If we move I am scared that I am going to be unhappy and have regrets. We have a marriage counselor and are scheduled to have a meeting with them to discuss this topic but haven't directly discussed in counseling yet. I am scared and anxious about where we go from here. Both of us have expressed that we are willing to have open and honest conversations about this topic, and I believe we both are, but both of us feels stuck.