I just need someone to listen
I’m going through something so terrible.
I met someone 3 years ago. And it was right after a prayer about hoping I’d meet my husband.
I believe He was going to be my husband but something told me to wait. So we waited a year and then got together.
We broke up a little under 2 years later 3 months ago.
Currently on no contact.
I have the worst feeling ever. I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want him to find someone else. I don’t want someone else to take my place in his life. And it’s selfish I know. But I don’t want to stop being the person he loves. I don’t want to stop being the one he sees a future with. I found home in his desire for me.
Maybe that’s why I was wrong. I’m so selfish. I wasn’t in love with him, but I think I did love him. I’m so angry because I thought this is exactly where God wanted me and yet I didn’t have peace and was constantly anxious and trying so hard to love him better because it didn’t come natural. I didn’t find him the most physically attractive and some things he did gave me the ick and sometimes I felt disappointed or wished I had more from him.
But this feeling inside is killing me.
I know he was the answer to that prayer.
I went through a rough year and prayed that God would send me someone (I believe I corrected it and said husband but I don’t remember) once I told Him that I was happy with who I was. A year later I told God I was happy with who I was a 4 days later this guy messaged me.
It cannot simply be a coincidence. So many little things happened.
But maybe it was an illusion. Maybe I’m stupid.
We had the same values. He was smart, tall, sweet, kind, patient, loving. I loved his family, I felt so safe with him.
I tried to love him. It was so hard and I felt I failed often. I felt unhappy.
But… I have this confusing feeling like I want to date him but I know it isn’t right yet I know exactly that he was the answer to my prayer.
It makes no logical sense for us to get together but let me tell you.
I still desire him. But maybe it is selfish. But I can remember how close we were.
I’m numb right now a little. And the thought makes me ugly cry.
But I remember when I would sob in his arms. I remember the day He told me He fell in love with me- the day I cried of happy tears to be in that moment with him. Just sitting in the car looking at the sunset. I cried happy tears. I couldn’t believe I could be so happy in a moment.
Maybe I did fall in love. I don’t think I did but gosh did I feel so at peace with him. My brain would shut off, Id be okay finally.
Why did it have to change. Why couldn’t I fall in love I hate myself for it. I’m so angry at myself that I didn’t do good enough or I couldn’t fall in love and now some girl is gonna come along and love flawlessly. And love all the thing I tried so hard to.
I have begged God to just completely change my desires so he meets it. I will do anything not to let him go. I just want to be happy too. I deserve it. But he deserves to be loved and I want to be in love. I pray God would change my heart. I want to fall in love. I believe He can do it. I don’t want another person. Not if God can give me this one back and make it better than ever before.
I get it. There could be a perfect man out there for me… sure.
But they won’t be this person. This person who I ca be myself with.
Maybe I’m just selfish. I’m the one that ended it. Thinking id want to date right away. Ugh. Idiot. I can’t.
If I can have something that good and let it fail then I don’t trust myself to try again.
Maybe I did fall in love and I’m a stupid autistic and can’t figure it out or ROCD. What is wrong with me.
And I’m so confused my heart wants him but at the same time the idea feels suffocating. Something had to change if we ever met again.
But wha if it never does. What if God doesn’t. I don’t know. I’m so torn. My heart is just broken and there’s not even a remedy. I can’t even bargain with God to have him back because it’s not what I want and I know it. And yet I can’t let him go.
How can I make sense of this? Is there possibly hope?
Idk if I was in love with him yet I blush at photos. I blushed when he complimented me. I felt so safe and content in his arms. I loved his scent so much. He was my calm in the storm. I think im also avoidant do this is difficult. I feel ick and fear thinking about him and I hate it.
Because I remember when I loved his little nose scrunch when he smiled or I played with his hair. I remember when he fell asleep on me and I just looked up and saw him content. I remember when I could shut off my brain because he was there. I remember messing with him. I remember how sweet he was. I remember his voice gosh. Maybe I was in love. Maybe I let fear get in the way. But I know there were true mismatches…could I sacrifice a few things I want for a lot of things I want and need? Could we connect in months after we’ve grown? So many questions. It’s stupid because I love his soul. Not his body, or s specific thing just his existence. I know him.