I foresee this being a long post so bear with me…
Background on my(28F) Ex(25M): we met through our mutual best friend, Kim(I met her doing our associates and she met him doing her bachelor at a different school). Let’s call him Daniel. We dated for 3 months in 2023 when he was 23 and I was 26 before I called it off because he wasn’t emotional ready for a relationship in terms of vulnerability and proper communication. He had a lot of walls up that he wasn’t willing to bring down. Aside from this, we had a pretty good relationship. We had a lot of common interests, our personalities meshed really well, he took a lot of initiative, and he was reliable and trustworthy.
Background on my boyfriend(32M): We met in hinge started dating September 2024. We made is official right after new years 2025. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up. So it’s been a year and 2-3 months of being together. Let’s call him Ali.
The situation: Oddly enough, my and Kim’s friend groups have melded really well post Daniel and I breaking up which we don’t mind but that does cause Daniel and I to see each other more often in the last year and a half. It’s not like we see each other all the time because Kim and Daniel are two states away but way more. We hadn’t seen each other for a year post break up and have been seeing each other every 1-2 months since summer 2024 now that Kim is closer and we all hang out a lot.
At first, I had no problem seeing him. I ended it, I didn’t want a relationship with him, and he was in another relationship that was proving I was right with breaking up with him due to the reasons I listed above. This was definitely immature of me, but I felt like I had “won” the break up seeing that all my premonitions had been right.
A few months after, I started dating Ali. Ali is an amazing guy. He takes care of his family, he’s so loving, he’s reliable and trust worthy, a great listener, and he has the same values politically and in life. This was the first guy that I felt comfortable with.
The problem: While I love Ali and every aspect listed above, I don’t feel like our personalities mesh well. While he is responsible and trust worthy, everyone I have introduced him(friends, coworkers, family) to has told me that he’s immature and childish. Now I’m not talking tantrums or being gross or anything like that, but more so giving off scared, unsure child vibes.
I have noticed whenever I’m around him with other people, especially my friends (I consider them my chosen family as I’m far closer and more understood by them than my family), I feel like I’m on edge because of something he may do that may be look bad (cue “Please” by Sabrina carpenter).
Going back to Daniel, we had a big friends trip this week in California. It was an absolute blast being with everyone. Ever since Daniel and I broke up, Kim and some other girlfriends would make jokes about how Daniel is still hung up on me(even when he was in a relationship with the girl after me who he is no longer seeing). I always brushed it off and joked but I always had this feeling too because he would never really talk or hang out with me when we were together. I let him do him and this trip he finally came around and it felt kind of normal.
On the way back today(Jan. 5), Kim alluded to a trip we had a few months ago and confirm my suspicions that Daniel still really liked me and was talking about how he could treat me better that Ali, who Daniel has met twice now. Both times, Ali has slipped up and morbidly embarrassed me in front of my friends. First, we went boating for my birthday and Ali, not knowing how to swim after I told him he didn’t have to, went in the lake and I had to babysit him the whole time. Second, he openly argued with me thinking it would be cute and then his info dumping came off as hard mansplaining. (NOTE: he literally only does with around my friends. I’ve seen him in other social situations and he is not like this). Not to mention, but he and my friends also don’t get along great. I have spoken to him about this and he has been more the receptive but I also fear I’m changing him into someone he’s not. I would hope Ali would have the sense to recognize and tell me this but the scared kid on the playground comes to mind and I don’t know if he would.
Back to what Kim said about Daniel’s feelings and opinion, this stirred up the embarrassment of those moments too, but it also stirred up my feelings for Daniel because I know he’s right. He wouldn’t have done the things that Ali had done. Also the sense of normalcy and going back to joking around and realizing how well our personalities meshed further amplified this feeling. It’s been 2.5 years since the break up too and I can see how Daniel has grown as a person.
My fears: I have so many fears with this because I‘ve never been in a situation like this.
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I fear the feelings are coming from a place of “what if” or “I know the guy likes me so I like him”.
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I fear myself Ali’s immaturity won’t change or he’ll change so much he won’t feel like himself anymore.
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I fear what these feelings may mean if they don’t go away after some time away from Daniel.
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I fear for Ali and his feelings because I don’t know what I’m going to do if these feelings dont go away.
TLDR: my ex(25M) and I (28F)are still friends due to mutual friends. I’m in a great relationship with my boyfriend(32M) but found out today(Jan. 5) that my ex still has feelings for me and thinks he can treat me better. I, unfortunately, agree and this stirred up feelings and now I’m confused.
My questions:
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Have you been in this situation and how have you handled it?
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What would you do?
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What are some things I can do to pinpoint my feelings and truly identify them?
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How do I bring up Ali’s immaturities even though he is older than me? We’ve talked about it before but briefly. He needs thing directly but I’m scared it’s going to come off as harsh