We were not formally in a relationship and were in the talking phase, but we were emotionally close and spending a lot of time together. Early on, I communicated one boundary: if she continued talking to one specific guy, I wouldn’t feel comfortable continuing things with her. She agreed to this.
About a month ago was the one-year anniversary of her best friend’s death, and the same week she had court related to a traumatic incident. She had a significant emotional breakdown and trashed her apartment. I went over to help clean and stayed to support her. She got the flu shortly after, and I stayed to take care of her.
The following week, I caught the flu myself and was on medication that didn’t allow me to drive. During that time, she went to visit the same guy I had previously mentioned, bringing him food and signing his cast after he broke his leg. She later explained this was a thank-you gesture because he checked on her during the anniversary of her friend’s death.
What upset me wasn’t only that the boundary was crossed, but that there was no communication beforehand. Location sharing had been her idea earlier on, and she turned it off before going without saying anything. I found out only because he posted her signature on his cast on Instagram.
After that, she drove me home since I was sick, and I haven’t spoken to her since. Recently, she unfollowed me and several others she had cut off last year, possibly to avoid reminders of past trauma.
She did send me a letter apologizing for breaking my trust. I still have strong feelings for her, and I believe she feels the same. I had been planning to formally date her once I recovered, but this situation changed how I felt.
Was I too harsh for cutting things off, given that we weren’t officially in a relationship?
TL;DR:
We were in the talking phase, not officially dating, but I clearly communicated a boundary about not being involved if she continued talking to one specific guy, which she agreed to. I supported her through a very difficult period (grief, court, illness), but while I was sick, she crossed that boundary without communicating and tried to hide it. That broke my trust, so I chose to go no contact. She later sent a polite apology. I still care about her and had intended to date her, but I’m unsure if cutting things off was too harsh given we weren’t official.