Hi, I (29/F) recently broke up with my boyfriend (32/M) of 3 years because we have fundamentally different values. I believe in marriage, and he does not. I was honest about this from the very beginning of our relationship, but he never told me his true beliefs about marriage. It wasn’t until last year that he finally admitted how he really feels. Even then, I stayed because I loved him deeply and felt incredibly attached to him.
He’s okay with moving in together and even wants to have kids with me, but to him, marriage is “just a piece of paper.” When I asked why he never told me the truth from the start, especially when I had been so open, he said he thought I would eventually change my mind.
The truth is, I was married once before, at 18 years old. I was so young and believed it was the only way to escape a religiously oppressive home. No one ever guided me differently, and while I don’t blame anyone else, I wish someone had stopped me. A year later, I got divorced. It was mutual and uncomplicated.
I was always honest with my ex about this part of my past, and I regret it. He would often use it against me, saying that I was proof that marriage doesn’t guarantee anything. He would ask why marriage still mattered to me if I’d already “experienced” it. But I don’t feel like I truly did. I was a child, and I genuinely didn’t understand what I was doing.
Yesterday, I finally told him how unhappy I’ve been feeling in our relationship. I want to give so much to the person I love, but I refuse to do “wifey” things without reassurance or real commitment. He agreed that we have different beliefs and said that we simply won’t work out. He told me that neither of us did anything wrong and that we should always look at it that way.
That’s when I lost control of my emotions. I started crying and told him, “I don’t feel that way. To me, you’ll always be the person who wasted my time and didn’t love me enough to commit to me. I did so much for you. I forgave so many things. I feel so stupid.” While I was pouring my heart out, he just kept saying, “Same, same.”
That broke me even more. I snapped and said, “You are evil. I don’t want to do this anymore.” I hung up and haven’t spoken to him since. He hasn’t called or texted. Nothing.
I’m heartbroken. I feel confused, abandoned, and painfully aware of how deeply I loved someone who was never willing to meet me where I was. How do you let go of someone who wanted a life with you but not commitment? Was It wrong to walk away from a relationship over incompatible values?