Long story short, my husband and I have been together for 9 1/2 years and married for eight of those years. For seven years, we had a total of three miscarriages and seek fertility testing. Continue to plan to get pregnant I was successfully able to with instruction of my husband telling me to take my ovulation test. And then at five months pregnant he started acting weird and distant then I had one of our elders talk to him about what was going on after he told me he wanted to leave. He revealed to her that he never wanted to have children with me and that he hasn’t been in love with me for many years. Fast forward this behavior start and end it in a month time and in between that month, we found out that he was cheating on me, sending this woman money, even though we do not have money to spare, this woman knew he was married with a child on the way, I lawyered up things to advice. I got on Reddit and got him to sign a postnuptial agreement. The agreement is very heavy as we just purchased a home last year. We have lots of debt. We have seven pets. In order to keep up one our agreement he would have to work lots of overtime and basically still would not be able to afford his own place. According to my lawyer, our agreement would not even include child support ones our baby is born which they would relinquish straight from his salary as he is a county employee.
So for one month from the time he told me he wanted to leave. He stayed at his cousin’s house as he had nowhere else to go. That would be free to live. He was seeing this girl. He went momentarily, come home and lied to me, giving me hope that we can make things better, but then lash out yelling, screaming punching holes in walls after I found out he was still talking to this person. He finally came home at the end of the month after he saw that he could not to pay me the amount he needed to every month for the expenses that he was trying to walk away from completely.
Fast forward it it’s been six months since he’s been home and the reason why I allowed him to come home was because he agreed to individual counseling and marriage counseling. I also do not have any family and very limited friends. With being a first-time mom, I was very scared about doing this all my own along with all of the other responsibilities I already had with the home and our pets. He only went to three counseling sessions before he gave up saying that he didn’t need it and that there was nothing wrong with him. I let it slide as I only want to a few more counseling sessions than he did. This entire six months we’ve been seeing a great marriage counselor. He’s very good at his job and we see him once a week.
Our baby has been born and has a few months old now. Through our therapy sessions we have found out that I have major trauma from this occurrence happening as I was totally blindsided, and I am suffering from a major anxiety. As for him, our counselor says he has an avoidant attachment disorder. Basically he will avoid conflict at all cost and I have seen this not only with me but with his entire family and friends.
Throughout the six months, I don’t feel like he has prioritized making our relationship stronger. It almost makes it me feel that he’s here just for a place to live because he knows if he leaves then he won’t be able to even have a life outside of work because of the expense. The reason why I feel this way is because he does not want to talk about the infidelity at all even during counseling session sessions and overall, there’s just an emotional disconnect where there is a lack of empathy and intimacy between us. Example I’ve asked him many times if he can just hold me in the morning for a few minutes before getting up to start the day and he seems to not be able to. He doesn’t make any romantic efforts to make me feel wanted without me, saying anything to lead him on to doing something. His kisses feel empty. It just seems to me like when we talk about these things in counseling. He’ll maybe keep it out for maybe a week until there’s no consistency.
When I confront him about this, he tells me “such as we will be fine. Things will be better and that he loves me. But it’s very hard to believe as the actions and emotional disconnect how otherwise.
Any advice on what to do?
I don’t know what to think anymore and I’m very close to totally giving up on our marriage.
The things he has done to make me feel more secure is that he has given me all access to his phone and his location at all times.